


Thank You For The Venom

by AngelandCollins, MyChemicalFanFictions



Category: My Chemical Romance, The Used
Genre: Bullying, Eating Disorders, Explicit Language, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Self-Harm, Substance Abuse, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-22
Updated: 2013-10-31
Packaged: 2017-12-03 05:59:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 46,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/694964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelandCollins/pseuds/AngelandCollins, https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyChemicalFanFictions/pseuds/MyChemicalFanFictions
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gerard is the outcast at his school. Everyone seems to hate him or at least that's what he thinks. He refuses to be with his friends Ray, Frank, Bert and his little brother Mikey during school. He's a loner and there are many things that seem to slowly kill him. But friends are there to help you through anything, right?</p><p>original story author: MyChemicalFanFictions<br/>co-author: AngelandCollins</p><p>hello all you awesome people. since my fanfiction ‘Thank You For The Venom’ is slowly coming to an end (only a few chapters left) I’m looking for people who could make fanart for my fic (: I’d post the fanart (submit to me via tumblr or send to me on facebook) on tumblr as well as I’d add it directly to my fanfic (if you tell me for which chapter you made it) I’d be so incredibly thankful if you could also spread the word to help me (: every kind of fanart is welcome (:</p><p>tumblr: youknow-imakeyouwannascream.tumblr.com/submit<br/>            crackowens.tumblr.com/submit<br/>            bulletproof-love-for-music.tumblr.com/submit<br/>            dethroneddeathbat.tumblr.com/submit<br/>facebook: https://www.facebook.com/people/Josie-Sullivan/100008485352581<br/>(new) email: crackowens.josie@yahoo.com</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gerard's POV

**Author's Note:**

> in this fic i decided to set them all at the same age, only mikey is a little bit younger.
> 
> feel free to tell me what you think (:

Here I am again. Looking at my reflection in the mirror. Why do I still look at myself? I know I look like shit. My hair is a black, greasy, tangled mess. The light behind my light hazel eyes faded a long time ago which makes my eyes kind of look darker than they actually are. I haven't eaten anything in weeks, or months already? I don't know. I work out a couple of hours a day but I can still see all the fat. I guess I'm not allowed to be happy. I'm not one to smile all that often because these freaky little teeth of mine disgust everyone.

 

I'm some worthless piece of crap. People at my school prove it everyday. What they do? Call me names, shove me around, beat me up, pick on me and make fun of me, so why shouldn't I believe in the things they say? I know they are right. I don't have any friends at school...well I actually do but I just never hang out with them while we're still there because I'm afraid that these assholes at my school might pick on them as well because they hang out with me. I don't want anyone to pick on them. They wouldn't deserve shit like that. I do though. Even though Mikey, Ray and Bert always ask me to be with them I would always end up refusing. Oh and there's this other guy. His name is Frank and he moved here about 5 months ago. He's the definition of perfect. He has beautiful brown-green eyes, his hair always looks perfect. His smile is the most beautiful and adorable smile I've ever seen in my entire life and his voice is like heaven. His body is perfect, his skin is smooth and he's always smiling or laughing, pranking others and having fun. He just enjoys his life. I wish I could enjoy mine too. He's not a failure like me. He is perfect. He also has a lot of tattoos, even though we're only in highschool. His tattoos look amazing. I love art. Even though I'm afraid of needles so I would never get a tattoo myself but his are just...amazing. Just like him.

He's a walking canvas. A beautiful canvas. And somewhere deep inside my heart I want to make him mine. Want him to be my canvas.

 

Everyone of us liked him from the first time he hang out with us after school, it was his first day at our school back then and we immediately became friends. If I wouldn't know it from self-experience I would have never thought that Frank and I would have so much in common. We like the same music, the same bands, the same movies, comic books and we both like art. He's an honest person. And he has a talent for being direct - which is what I love about him. He's the complete opposite of me. There are so many things no one knows about me. No one knows I hate myself, no one knows I'm a self-harmer, no one knows I starve and most of all no one knows I want to die. I really do.

  
I wish I would look like Frank, I wish I could be Frank. I'm sick and tired of being me. I don't want to be me anymore. I don't want to be the ugly, fat, suicidal fuck up with the scarred arms, legs and stomach I see when I look in the mirror. I don't want to be here at all anymore.

 

Would anyone miss me? I don't think so. Why would they? Most people treat me like shit or like I'm invisible. Like I don't even exist.

Would my friends miss me? I don't know. Probably not. Why should they? They've got each other. They are a bunch of awesome, funny people. They have much more fun without me anyway.

 

I'm a disappointment to everyone.

 

 

Without noticing it until I snapped out of my thoughts I cut again. Slitting my wrist and my thighs a few times, watching the blood well up. I put the razor blade away. I hide it in my wallet because I don't think anyone would expect a blade to be hid in a wallet, right? I watch the blood drip down my wrist and my thighs, smearing over my hand and to my knees. I don't feel any pain, I feel numb. Didn't I cut deep enough?

  
Before I could take the blade to my skin once again I heard my brother yelling from upstairs.

  
"Gerard! Move your ass, you've got 15 minutes left to get yourself up here or Frank, Bert, Ray and I will leave without you. We don't wanna be fucking late for school and get into trouble!"

"I'll be there in 5 minutes" I yelled back while I hastily grabbed a few tissues to clean off the blood, even though it's not gonna stop bleeding for a while now. Then I took a few plasters and covered my scars so that they wouldn't stain my clothes. No one will notice what I did.

I hurried to get dressed, just a pair of black jeans and a black Smashing Pumpkins hoodie, then I went upstairs and found my little brother and my friends looking at me. God damn it they look kind of angry.

 

"Sorry guys." I mumbled while I put on my black converse, grabbed my bag and rushed through the door outside. When I realized that they didn't make a move to follow me I turned around and found them staring at me.

"What?!" I asked.

"Don't you wanna eat something? You know, you've still got at least 7 minutes left." Mikey said.

"Nah I'm not hungry yet." I answered forcing a smile. I lied. I'm hungry all the time but I can't allow myself to eat anything 'cause then I would just become even fatter than I already am.

"Dude you need to eat something." Ray said.

"I told you I'm not hungry. Can we go now?" I know I sounded pissed, but I didn't care because I _am_ fucking pissed off right now. I really wanted to change the topic we were walking about. I don't want to talk about fucking food right now.

But the asshole of stomach of mine had other plans and made the loudest and apparently most painful noise I've ever heard coming from someone's stomach. The noise wasn't new to me but the pain definitely was and took me by surprise which caused me to wince and whine for a second until i caught myself again and a voice in my head started yelling at me.

> _You stupid little fuck. You're showing weakness and now your friends probably know that you are full of shit. Pray to god that they didn't pay attention to you or you can go and shovel your own fucking grave already. Be a fucking man and grow a pair of balls. The starving will pay out in the end. Maybe your body will be as perfect as Frank's once you're thin enough. And now get your worthless fat ass to school or you're gonna be late and get into even more trouble._ <

"Your stomach says otherwise." Bert mentioned giggling while Mikey just shook his head and Ray frowned. I looked over to Frank to see him just blankly staring at me. He does look kind of sad though. Why would he be sad?

"I'm not fucking hungry can we go now?!" I know I sounded angry but I really didn't give a shit about that right now.

 

As we walked to school I decided to stay a little behind but as soon as Frank noticed he stopped to let me catch up with him.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yes. Why wouldn't I be?" I answered, not taking my eyes off the street.

"I don't know. Better you tell me." Frank said.

"I'm okay." I repeated and then started walking faster. I don't feel like talking right now but Frank doesn't seem to care about that. He grabbed my wrist and softly pulled me back.

I know his grip wasn't rough or anything and it wouldn't have hurt me if it wouldn't have been the wrist I cut a few minutes ago. I had to bite my lip to control myself and stop me from squealing in pain.

"I don't believe you." He stated "So what is wrong?" he asked again.

I let out a sigh. "You should really stop asking me this question." I said harshly "I told you I'm fine. Why won't you believe me?"

"Because I'm not stupid. Neither am I blind. You don't seem to be okay at all." Frank explained and damn he was so right. How does he do this? Can he read my mind or something?

"I'm just having a bad day I guess." I shrugged because what the hell am I supposed to say here? I'm not gonna involve my friends into my problems.

 

Frank still didn't seem satisfied but he let go of my wrist though and now it was him starting to walk faster to catch up with the rest again.

He didn't look at me again. Not once.

 

> _Awesome motherfucker. Now you pissed him off. You're a piece of shit. You should go and kill yourself. You don't deserve people like that. You always let everyone down. Is there anything you actually c a n do right? Obviously not._ <

The voice in my head yelled at me again and I had to fight back tears. I'm a fucking idiot. I don't deserve to be alive. I'm just a waste of space. Why am I still alive? I should have ended it all long ago.

I had the urge to cut again. My fingers itched for a blade to slide across my skin. I want to feel the cold metal against my skin, I want to see the blood welling up and feel it running down my arms, my thighs or my stomach again. I carry the razor blade with me...I just need to be alone now.

 

 

When we entered the school we all headed off to the same classroom since the first two lessons are gonna be math and we're all in the same math class. After math we rarely ever see each other because I'm a loner at school. I don't want my friends to get involved in my shit so I always stay away from them as far as I can. I'm always alone until we meet at the big oak tree near the school after the school day is done.

I entered the classroom a few minutes after Mikey, Ray, Bert and Frank because it had to look like we didn't come here together and I had to go to my locker to get my stuff anyway. Luckily there weren't any assholes in the hallway waiting for me at my locker like they normally do. At first I asked myself why but when I entered the classroom I knew the answer.

They greeted me with a chant of "No faggot zone", a fist rushing into my stomach causing me to whine in pain, then someone slammed me against a wall and took my bag violently and poured out all my stuff. Almost everyone burst out into laughter. Everyone except my friends who were just ducking their heads. I told them that I didn't want them to ever help me a long while ago and even though they complained about that like crazy I convinced them to stay away. I couldn't bear to be the reason that these shitfaces turned their lives into a living hell too because of me. I just wouldn't be able to take it.

 

I know my friends were tired of this shit too. But whenever they tried to convince me that they wouldn't care if they'd get shit for being friends with me I always talked them out of that. They would regret it and I just couldn't handle the fact that I'd be the reason their lives get turned to shit.

 

When our teacher, Mr. Sherwood, entered the room the laughter stopped and everyone sat down on their seats. Mr. Sherwood's eyes pierced right through me while I quickly stuffed all my shit into my bag and sat down in the back next to Frank. I used to sit alone in the back of the class until Frank came and the teacher told him to sit down next to me. That's also how Mikey, Ray, Bert and I got to know him because Frank would always write little letters with me during classes. Out of boredom I guess.

When I reached the back of the class I flopped onto the chair with a heavy sigh. This all sucks. I pulled out my notebook and started drawing random stuff like I always do. A few minutes after the bell rang to signal  the begging of the lesson Frank handed me a little note. I quietly unfolded it and read.

'We would have helped you. We would have kicked these guys' asses. Why won't you let us help you?'

I took my pencil and wrote a quick answer underneath 'You know why' and then gave it back to Frank who immediately wrote back to me.

'But we really wouldn't care.'

'I would'

'We are your fucking friends. We don't want you to have to put up with these dickheads alone. We hate seeing you get hurt everyday.'

'I don't want you guys to get involved. I've told you a hundred times. And I am okay. I'm used to that.'

'We wouldn't care and you shouldn't be used to shit like that. And no you're not okay. I know you. Stop lying to me. You should know better than that.'

'Don't say you know me because you don't know shit about me, Frank. No one really does. Can you stop now?'

'Don't you get that we just wanna help you? **I** wanna help you. **I** want you to get better again. **I** want to be there for you.'

Okay now Frank is starting to piss me off, seriously. I rolled my eyes and answered. 'For fuck's sake, Frank. I told you guys multiple times that I DON'T want you to get involved in my shit. And I still haven't changed my mind. And now let it be."

After I gave the letter back to Frank I raised my hand. I can't do this right now. It's all too much.

"Mr. Way?" Mr. Sherwood called. Ugh I still hate that they call us by our surnames.

"Can I go to the bathroom real quick? I feel sick." I said, hoping that he'd let me go and >fuck yes< he did. I could feel my friend's eyes on me when I walked through the room. I let my hair fall into my face and pulled up my hood to block out the other student's dirty looks.

 

I hurried to get to the bathroom, almost running, because I know I won't have much time until Mr. Sherwood sends someone to come looking after me. Before I entered the bathroom I took a last look around to see if there was someone else in the hallway. No one. Perfect. I went into the bathroom and carefully looked around in case there was someone in there. Again, nobody. I locked myself in one of the toilet cabins and pulled out my wallet. Then I took my razor blade and pulled up my sleeve. I simply stared at my scars for a while. Do I really need to do this? Do I really deserve this?

> _Yes of course you fucking do. You are fat, ugly and worthless. You're not as perfect as everyone else, not even close. No one fucking likes you not even your so called "friends". They're just pitying you. You deserve every single cut on your wrist, every single one on your thighs and every single scar on your stomach. You're a failure, a liar, a disappointment, you'll never be good enough. You're a disgrace._ <

I cut my arm in quick movements yet I cut deep and long. The voice was right. Again. After a few minutes there were eight or nine new cuts spilling blood. Watching the blood run down my arm and drip onto the floor calmed me and my thoughts again. I even caught myself smiling for a split second. I'm insane. Getting chills out of hurting myself is just mad. I pulled a few more plasters out of my wallet and covered my scars, then I carefully went to the washbasin and washed away the blood stains that weren't covered with plasters. I pulled my sleeve back down. Once again I was about to cry.

> _Good boy. Now grow a pair of balls and stop fucking crying like a baby. You deserved that. And now get your fat ass going and get back into class._ <

Fuck. Why won't this voice just shut the hell up? But it's true. I wiped away the tears with the sleeve of my hoodie, thank god I'm wearing a black one so no one's gonna notice the tear stains. Then I walked back into the classroom and sat down in the back next to Frank again. _Everything fucking sucks._


	2. Gerard's POV

I noticed that Frank glanced at me every now and then during math. Why was he looking at me? Do I have something on my face or what? Now he's staring at me again. God damn it. Why can't he stop that?

I looked at him. The expression on his face made my heart drop. He looks angry yet sad. What did I do? Oh my god I hope it's nothing I did. Whatever it was I didn't mean to hurt him. What did I do?

I started panicking, thinking about everything I did the past couple hours. _The note._ Sure, it has to be the note. I pissed him off with what I wrote. I'm such a moron.

But why does he also look sad? Shit are there any blood stains on my hands left which he possibly could have seen? I nervously looked at my hands. Nope. No blood. What could it be then? Maybe he doesn't feel alright either? I should ask him about it after math, shouldn't I? But he seems to be angry at me. I don't want to piss him off even more.

He still didn't take his eyes off me so I shot him a glare to stop him from staring at me like this. Finally. He turned his head back, towards Mr. Sherwood again. I lowered my head with a heavy sigh and continued drawing into my notebook. Maybe I really suck at pretending right now. Maybe I should finally tell Mikey, Frank, Bert and Ray about what's going on. I'm too tired of all this bullshit.

> _No. Of course not you fucker. Keep your ugly mouth shut if you don't want them to think you're some sort of psychopath. They're gonna leave you for dead if you tell them anything. You better shut the fuck up and keep on pretending and fooling them into thinking that you are perfectly fine. Get that mask back on that you've taken so long to build. You're not gonna fucking stop halfway through. Don't you want to be thin? Don't you want to feel good? Someday? Yeah, right. You're not gonna quit._ <

 _  
_Ugh that voice is annoying. But why does it have to be true though? My head hurts.

> _Oh by the way. Frank stares at you again. He's probably thinking about how much of a failure you are and that you are a liar and full of shit. Hah, telling your friends you're fine when in reality you are about to jump off the edge. Yeah. That's the perfect way to lose everyone you love. Just one more thing and you'll be done. But don't bother to keep holding on, it's not like you deserve them anyway. They are way too perfect for you. Someone as fucked and messed up as you doesn't fit into their world anyway. Just keep starving and maybe someday you'll be thin enough and maybe then they'll like you._ <

I shook my head, squeezing my eyes shut so the tears that started to well up wouldn't be able to escape my eyes. I swallowed dry and took a deep breath. This voice inside my mind is slowly killing me. Not because it's telling me all these things but because I've come to realise that all these things are true.

I failed to keep the tears to myself. One teardrop rolled down my cheek but I wiped it away as fast as I could hoping that Frank wasn't watching me anymore. I slowly turned my head towards Frank. He's writing something. Well he's probably just copying the notes written on the board. And maybe I should do the same so I wouldn't completely fail the test next week. But I'm too fucking tired for anything right now.

I'm not even sure if it's the kind of tired that you can fix with sleep or not.

I just want to go home and lay on my bed and sleep. Or get drunk. Or stoned. I would do almost anything right now to get away. Cut.

Skipping school never seemed this pleasing. I could just stay home and do whatever I want instead of having to put up with the shit that these peasants have planned for me today. My stomach still hurts from the punch. Yeah, skipping school seems like a good option. Fuck it, I'm gonna leave during lunch.

 

The bell rings. Finally. I'm glad I survived math. I hate math, but who doesn't? But luckily Mr. Sherwood barely ever calls me.

My next two lessons are art, I love art and it's recently the only thing I don't fail at, and chemistry, which I hate. I can't wait to be home and all by myself.

 

Art and chemistry passed faster than I had expected. I quickly stuffed all my things into my bag and literally ran out of the classroom. When I went outside I looked around the schoolyard. No one around who could see me. I quickly walked off the schoolyard and over the parking lots until I walked down the street, heading into my house's direction.

 

 

On my way home I felt my mobile phone vibrating several times in my jeans' pocket. I didn't check it though 'cause it was currently blasting a Misfits song into my ears. After about twenty minutes I walked up the front porch steps, unlocked the door and went inside.

I went down into the basement, which is my room and it's perfect because it's never too cold nor too warm in here. Before I went to my bed I leaned with my back against the wall. I slid down the wall until I ended up sitting on the floor, my back still pressed against the cold wall, my knees pulled close to my chest and my face buried in my hands. Silent tears streaming down my face. I came home like this more often lately. I used to act like I was alright when I was out but as soon as I shut the door I broke down crying.

The buzzing of my phone annoys the shit out of me right now. I pulled it out of my pocket and froze for a second at the "incoming call: Frank". Fuck. Did he see me leaving? But there was no one outside. I hesitated but decided to answer trying to keep my voice steady.

"Yeah?"

"Gerard, where the fuck did you go? I saw you running across the schoolyard like a zombie is trying to eat you or something." Frank said.

He saw me. Well I'm fucked then.

"I'm home." I answered after a few seconds.

"Are you skipping school? You've still got 3 or 4 lessons left." Frank informed me, like I wouldn't know that myself.

"I didn't feel alright. I was feeling sick." I explained.

"And why didn't you answer your phone earlier? Everyone tried to call you." Well, Frank sounded a little bit pissed off and I could hear Bert, Mikey and Ray mumbling something in the back. I couldn't understand what they said though.

"I didn't notice it's buzzing." I said lamely. That's probably the worse lie ever. They all know I always answer my phone. Sometimes it's like I have a sense for ringing phones.

"Did you at least eat something yet?" Frank asked concerned.

"Uhm...yeah." I lied. Of course I didn't eat. I c a n ' t eat.

There was silence for a few seconds. Was he still on the line or did Frank just hang up?

 

I got back up to my feet and went over to my bed. I crashed on my bed and curled myself up in blankets.

 

Then his voice popped up again.

"Can you do me a favor?" He asked.

I was confused. What favor? "Uhm, I guess." I said.

"Tell me what's wrong, Gerard. And don't even lie to me." Frank's voice sounded shaky, like he was about to burst in tears. What was wrong with him?

"Nothing. Why do you all think there's something wrong with me?" I didn't mean to raise my voice and sound all furious but I couldn't help it either.

"Because" Frank started "You're totally freaking out right now and you snapped at Bert today before we went to school and you're acting odd. You looked like you were about to cry after you returned from the bathroom. Plus you're distancing yourself from us more and more. You refuse to talk to us or at least you don't talk to us about whatever the fuck is going on with you without freaking out or ignoring us and just fucking off. We're worried y'know. We know the bullying and people at school picking on you for whatever reason and shit like that sucks. Why can't we just finally fucking stand up for you? Bert and I could kick their asses easily and Ray and Mikey could push them all away from you like bodyguards. We only need your permission to do so. We fucking hate seeing you get hurt everyday."

"I never meant to freak out on you guys but I told you I'm just...having a bad day. I guess I just need some sleep." I answered.

Frank sighed.

"Do you mind us coming over with Mikey after school?" Frank asked.

"I don't care." I said and obviously caused Frank to let out another heavy sigh.

"We'll talk later, Gerard" He said and then he hung up without waiting for a reply.

 

*We'll talk later* These words repeated themselves several times in my head and they scared me. What would he want to talk about? What would _they_ want to talk about? I don't want to fucking talk. Why can't they just leave me alone?

 

 

I stared at the ceiling for a while before I closed my eyes in an attempt to fall asleep. My stomach hurt so much, begging me to eat something. Should I? Maybe just an apple? No! No fucking way. I can't. I have to keep this 'diet' until I'm thin. I'm sick of being fat. I feel fucking weak.

> _You are weak. And a fucking fatty. No one really cares about your fat ass. You're ugly and worthless._ <

\- Not again. Shut up I'm trying to sleep here -

> _You shouldn't sleep. You should die. You're a waste of a human being. Everyone would be better off without you._ <

\- I know. Now shut the fuck up. -

> _No you obviously didn't get it yet. Otherwise you'd already be killing yourself._ <

\- Fucking shut up. -

I squeezed my eyes shut but the tears escaped my eyes anyway. Why won't this voice shut up? It's like a demon, a monster. And it's trying to kill me, eating me up inside, eating me alive.

> _Stop crying you fucking baby._ <

 

After a while the voice finally stopped complaining and I could finally drift off to sleep. I don't want this anymore.


	3. Gerard's POV

I woke up to Frank sitting on my bed and tickling me. I struggled to get away from him and almost pushed him off my bed in the process. When Frank finally stopped poking my sides like crazy I panted. Damn, as if I didn't feel weak enough already. Frank smiled bright at me. Damn his smile is amazing.

But his face changed from grinning bright to the most serious expression I've ever seen and that scared me.

 

"Can we talk?" He asked in an almost pleading tone.

"What about?" I asked and god damn it of course I know what he's gonna say next. I sat up in my bed and successfully managed to make some more space for Frank to sit. Of course I am still wrapped in my blankets, like a borrito.

"About what is wrong. And _please_ don't lie." Frank said, sounding pretty desperate.

"Care to explain why there should be something wrong with me?" I really don't know why he just can't let me be. Why does he care?

"Because of everything. I mean, man you're bony. I used to think that it was impossible to look skinny besides Mikey but holy shit you look like you are only made of bones and skin which leads me into thinking that you're starving or whatever and the thought of you doing something like that to yourself just scares me because I don't know what else you'd be capable of if you're doing _this_ to yourself. And it scares me even more that I haven't seen you eat...ever. And the others said that they haven't seen you eat anything in months either. Plus your eyes were puffy and watery like you were crying when you returned from the bathroom today in math. Bert, Ray and Mikey noticed too. So tell me what is wrong and don't even try to deny any of this, Gerard." Frank explained.

  
While Frank was talking I turned my head away. I couldn't look him in the eyes anymore. The desperate and kind of hurt look in his eyes killed me. Why would he be this desperate about knowing what is going on? Why do they care? They didn't care the first three months so why do they care now?

The serious expression on Frank's face before still frightened me. Was it really all that obvious lately? How did I get this miserable at pretending? I used to be able to fool everyone into thinking I was just fine and now Frank can easily look behind my masquerade. They all can.

That was the moment when the voice came back.

> _Awesome. Now you can officially go and shovel your own grave. You can bury yourself alive. You failed at everything. Fucking failure. You fucking moron. How could you let anyone notice? No one's gonna want to be friends with you anymore as soon as they find out how much of a wimp you really are._ <

 

The voice inside my head startled me. It sounded darker and angrier than usually.

> _And by the way. Frank is just lying to you. You are still fat. It is still there when you look in the mirror._ <

 

I didn't even dare to answer my inner voice, neither Frank. There was a war inside of me right now which caused me an awful headache. I fisted my hands in the black mess that's supposed to be my hair. One half of me wanted to tell my friends everything but the other one, and currently the stronger one, advised me to keep quiet. Fucking painful headache.

 

"Gerard...please tell me." Frank pleaded, not taking his eyes off of me.

I let go of the breath I wasn't aware of holding and took a deep breath. A horrible sting rushed through my stomach when I did so and then my stomach begged for food again. With a noise that probably even our neighbors had heard. Fuck.

Frank's eyes widened. "You haven't eaten anything, have you?" He asked with a disappointed expression building up on his face. "Gerard _please_ talk to me. I'm begging you!"

 

"I...I can't I'm sorry. I really can't, Frankie." I said not trying to keep my tears from falling anymore. I didn't care anymore. I know Frank still wants to know what's going on but for now he only wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly. I buried my face on his shoulder and cried. I just let the tears stream down my face. Having Frank pulled this close to me kind of gave me a feeling of safety.

After I finally calmed down again I hastily grabbed a tissue and wiped away the tear stains I left on his neck and his shirt, mumbling a few apologies. I threw the tissue onto the ground because I was too lazy to get up now and throw it into the trash, also I still had Frank's arms around me. Then I looked down at my slightly shaking hands trying to focus on something that wasn't there.

 

"You ready to talk now?" Frank asked calmly. His voice barely louder than a whisper.

"No." I answered quietly because I really am not ready to talk about anything yet.

"How are we supposed to help you if you don't tell us what is wrong?" Frank asked with a heavy sigh.

I'm not quite sure what it was that made me angry all of a sudden but I couldn't control anything right now.

"Well you're not my fucking savior or something." I snapped, knowing that Frank didn't deserve _that_ kind of answer.

My whole body is shaking, I have an awful headache, my thoughts are going insane, I feel tired and weak...

 

Now there were two voices fighting in my head.

~ _Tell him what's wrong. He'll help you._ ~

> _Don't you fucking dare tell him. He'll think you're insane_ <

~ _He'll understand you._ ~

> _He's going to leave you for dead if you tell him. He'll be disgusted._ <

~ _He'll make you feel better and cheer you up. You mean something to him._ ~

> _He will tell Mikey, Ray and Bert and then they'll all turn against you and leave you to rot away in hell. They don't give a shit about you. No one does._ <

~ _He'll keep it a secret if you want him to._ ~

> _He just wants to know so he can tell everyone how dumb you are and how much of a pussy you are._ <

 

"Gerard, c'mon. I don't need your sarcastic bullshit right now." Frank said.

I still refused to answer.

"Gerard c'mon." Frank pleaded.

 

I carefully pushed Frank away and distanced myself a little bit more from him.

 

> _He's going to force you to eat again and then you'll become even fatter. He'll force you to stop cutting but isn't cutting what calms you down and keeps you sane? Isn't that what makes you feel alive?_ <

 

The voice was right. Again.

 

"Go." I said emotionless and saw the shocked expression on Frank's face.

"But -" Frank started but I cut him off.

"Don't you fucking get it? I don't want to fucking talk. I can handle this on my own. I don't need your help. I don't need anyone's help." I spat angrily.

 

Frank stared at me in shock then threw his hands helplessly in the air and went towards the door.

"Fine" he said. "I'm sorry I wanted to help my best fucking friend. I'm sorry we are fucking worried about you and want you to get better again. But you know what? I'm really running out of fucks to give for your issues anyway. You don't want help? Fine! I'm not gonna fucking force you to get some!!" he screamed at me and then turned on his heels and left, violently slamming the door shut.

 

 

I stared at the spot where Frank used to be a little while longer.

 

Silence surrounded me and with it terrible thoughts.

> _Give up. Now's the perfect time._ <

> _Kill yourself._ <

> _You've done it. Take the last step._ <

I pulled my knees close to my chest again and rested my head on them, eventually trying to hide away from the rest of the world.

I just destroyed everything. My own world, my existence.

 

I started sobbing desperately, not giving a single fuck whether if anyone could hear my sobs or not.

 

 

What have I just done?


	4. Frank's POV

Okay, maybe the door slamming thing wasn't needed but Gerard pissed me off. I fucking know that there's way more to it than 'nothing' but he just won't tell me what is wrong. We offered him our help so many times but he always refuses to get help. He always pushes us away. What the hell are we supposed to do? I'm not going to just sit back and watch while he's falling apart.

I didn't immediately go into Mikey's room after I slammed Gerard's room's door shut. I stood there with my back leaned against the closed door while I tried to think about what I could do to help him. And about what I could do so he actually tells me what exactly is going on.

I came to the conclusion that I should talk to Mikey, Bert and Ray. Maybe they know what to do.

When I was about to head off to Mikey's room I heard sobs coming from the other side of the door which I just slammed shut. Fuck my life. I made Gerard cry. I helplessly ran my hand through my hair, unsure of what to do now. Should I go back into the basement and talk to Gerard and try to comfort him again or should I go and talk to the others first? I decided against the first one. He would probably just freak out even more or I would end up spitting bullshit again.

When I entered Mikey's room I found him, Bert and Ray playing video games on Mikey's x-box.

I collapsed on Mikey's bed with a heavy sigh.

"What's wrong?" Mikey asked while he casually killed Bert's game character. Mikey and Ray laughed while Bert complained about how he's going to kick both their asses next time.

"Your brother." I answered. I was actually pretty surprised about how emotionless my voice sounded.

"You talked to Gerard? What did he say?" Bert asked. Mikey paused the game and they all turned around to face me.

"Nothing. That's the point." I answered.

"Why didn't he tell you? You're his best friend." Ray stated.

"First of all we are all his best friends and second how the heck am I supposed to know? I thought you guys could help me with it." I said knowing that I sounded pissed.

Mikey obviously noticed that I was annoyed and a little angry.

"I hope you didn't yell at him or anything." Mikey warned me. He sounded like he originally wanted to say "You better didn't or I'll rip your insides out".

"Well I...I mean I tried to stay calm and shit but he just didn't seem to give a damn about us being worried about him and that made me angry..." Suddenly I felt guilty. Damn it. I fucking know how fragile he is and everything.

"What exactly did you do?" Mikey asked shooting me a glare.

"I...uhm...you know..." I ran out of words to speak. How the hell am I supposed to explain that I totally lost it and screamed at Gerard and told him that I wouldn't care anymore...which, by the way, isn't true. Damn. Fucking temper sometimes.

"Stop stuttering, Iero. Tell us what happened." Bert forced and rolled his eyes.

"Fucking damn it. I asked him what was wrong and shit but he refused to tell me and then he freaked out on me and yelled at me and that pissed me off so I freaked out on him and slammed the door." I answered. I decided that it would be better for my health to keep the 'I-don't-give-a-shit-about-you-anymore'-part to myself. They'd fucking murder me. I know I totally screwed this one up so their facial expressions were just fair.

"Idiot." Bert simply said.

"Maybe we all should talk to him? To show him that we all care and that he can tell us and trust us?" Ray suggested.

"We are his best friends. He should know that he can trust us and tell us everything." I informed Ray.

"Or maybe Frank should get his ass off the bed and apologize to Gerard first. Then we can decide whether we all talk to him or not." Bert said without taking his eyes off of me.

"No." I shook my head "Why should I apologize for something that wasn't my fucking fault? He pissed me off and he knows it's hard for me to control my temper sometimes plus he obviously doesn't give a shit about us being worried anyway." I said slightly annoyed.

"Just do it. No one cares if it's your fault or not. This one is not about you it is about my brother." Mikey said angrily. I never heard him getting angry and Ray and Bert obviously didn't either. If the shocked expressions on their faces were a hint.

"Fucking fine." I said, helplessly throwing my hands in the air and made my way to Gerard's basement room again.

 

When I reached Gerard's room's door again I hesitated before I knocked on the door. No answer. I knocked again. Still no answer. Is he alright?

"Gee?" I asked while I opened the door and quickly closed it behind my back and walked down the stairs. I saw him lying on his bed, curled up in his blanket and obviously not giving a single shit that I entered the room.

  
"Gee" I started while I stepped further into the room and closer to his bed "Listen. I'm sorry that I freaked out on you. I know I shouldn't have. I didn't mean to freak out nor hurt you. And what I said wasn't true either. I still care. We all do. It's just that we are worried about you because you refuse to tell us what is going on and it's just exhausting not to know what is wrong with your best friend you know? What are we supposed to do? You keep pushing us away like you wouldn't trust us. You know you can trust us, don't you?" I just sighed when he decided to ignore me and to pull the blanket over his head.

"Okay. Fine." I said turning on my heels and leaving his room again. "We're in Mikey's room in case you change your mind." I informed him. Call me selfish but I'm not gonna beg him to fucking answer me. I don't need his attitude now. I closed the door behind my back and went back into Mikey's room.

 

"So...what did he say?" Bert, Ray and Mikey asked at almost the same time, which caused them to giggle.

"Nothing." I said, flopping back onto Mikey's bed "He decided to ignore me." I added, rubbing my face with my hands.

"That's what you get from yelling at him." Bert said, showing off a shit-eating grin.

"I fucking know." I said and lightly kicked Bert for his fucking grin. "You can be such a pain in the ass sometimes, Bert. I hope you know that." I informed him.

"Just as much as you." Bert answered and tickled my foot. I should have kicked him really hard for tickling my foot, but instead I just pulled my foot away from him and out of his reach.

"You should have known, Frank." Ray mentioned.

"Ray, please" I shot him an annoyed glare "Don't tell me this is all my fault because it's not. Gerard can be a dick sometimes." I said and rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, but he doesn't feel all-fucking-right, so he's allowed to be a fucktard right now." Bert defended him.

"Yes but if he doesn't want any help he shouldn't expect fucking sympathy if he just keeps fucking with us, y'know? He at least shouldn't act all emo and shit if he doesn't want us to get worried." I said trying hard not to lose my temper.

"Can you two stop fighting now? You are both true in some ways. Shut up now." Mikey said and shot us glares.

"Oh, are they, Mikey?"

The voice startled us all and caused us to rush around. Gerard stood at Mikey's door, tears streaming down his face.

"Gerard we-" I started but he cut me off.

"Shut up, Frank." Gerard started, his voice about to crack "You know what, guys. I did change my mind and just came here because I wanted to tell you everything. No more secrets and shit because I thought I had realized that you actually do give a shit. But then I come here and overhear something like that? You are all talking about me behind my back? Is this what you call 'being best friends'? Yeah, sure. 'Cause that's what friends obviously do. I really thought I could trust you. But don't fucking worry I won't be a pain in the ass anymore." After Gerard finished talking he glanced at us all a last time and then ducked his head and left. I've never seen so much pain and disappointment in someone's eyes. This one goes to us all. We all fucked this up now.

 

We all continued staring blankly at the spot where Gerard used to be a few minutes ago. But then Bert got back to his feet, grabbed his jacket and was about to leave too when Ray asked "What are you doing?".

Bert turned around. "I'm ordering a fucking pizza. What the fuck do you think I'm gonna do? I'll go looking for him. God knows what he meant by saying that he wouldn't be a pain in the ass anymore and we wouldn't have to worry anymore. I'll go get my best fucking friend." Bert snapped and then left, screaming "He's not in the basement." before he went outside and slammed the front door shut.

"He's right." I said while I stood up again. "We should go looking for him and apologize. He didn't deserve the shit we just gave him." I took my Misfits hoodie, pulled it over my head and followed Bert outside, noticing that he is a fast little fucker because he wasn't anywhere to be seen anymore.

"We should all go into a different direction. Makes it easier for us to find him." Mikey suggested and headed off. Ray followed suit and headed into another direction and so did I.

 

I'm so fucking sorry, Gee.


	5. Bert's POV

I knew exactly where Gerard went. He has this...let's call it secret place, where he hides whenever he's upset or sad or whatever. It's actually just an old, small house that's about to fall apart. No one lived there for years though there's still a lot of furniture and shit like that in there. Left to rot away. It's a quiet little place though. Barely anyone ever comes along so it's the perfect place to hide from the shit that the world gives one.

After about twenty minutes I finally reached the house, panting like a wimp since I've been running most of the way.

 

I quietly stepped into the house, carefully looking out for Gerard. I spotted him sitting in a corner with his knees pulled close to his chest and his face buried in his hands. I hesitated before I walked over to him and sat down next to him.

 

The good thing was that I didn't have to start the conversation because Gerard was the one who did so.

"Do you know what it feels like?" he asked me. His voice was shaky as hell which caused my heart to break a little more with every word he spoke.

"How what feels like?" I asked. God damn it of fucking course I know what feeling he is talking about but he's the one supposed to tell me here, right?

"To feel like shit, like you're worthless? To feel like you'll never be good enough? To feel like everyone lies to you, all the time? To feel empty? To think that you have to keep it all to yourself, or everyone you ever held dear is going to leave you? To feel like you have to keep quiet even though it's eating you up inside? Like it's eating you alive? And then when you finally decide to talk about it, it seems like everyone's turned against you? It fucking hurt to hear you guys talking like that about me. I thought you were my best friends. I thought I could trust you!" Gerard explained, his voice suddenly surprisingly calm, yet I could hear all the desperation and hurt.

I took a deep breath before anwering. Past memories made their way back inside my mind.

"Yes" I said "I know what it feels like. You remember my ex-boyfriend Quinn? You know what he did to me and how he made me feel and you guys weren't exactly what I would call helpful at this time, y'know? I'm not gonna talk about me though."

Gerard looked at me. At first he looked like he was sorry for bringing this theme back, then he looked confused, his eyes puffy and watery from crying.

"Look" I started and laid my arm around his shoulders, pulling him a little closer to comfort him a little bit "The point is, and I'm gonna be completely honest here, you actually did act like a prick. We are all worried about you because you seem to be everything but okay and all we want is to help you and make you feel better again but all you do is freaking out on us, telling us you're fine when obviously you are far from being alright, I mean what the hell are we supposed to do? We are your, like you already said it yourself, best friends. We are _supposed_ to help you. We won't let you go down by yourself."

"There was no need to call me emo or shit like that. That hurt." Gerard stated.

I closed my eyes for a second and tried to think about who had called him emo. Frank, right. Idiot.

"You're true. There was no need to call you names but to be fair, we all know that it's hard for Frank to control is temper and he barely ever thinks before he speaks. But isn't that what we all love about him? Isn't his honesty what makes him such a good friend? And sometimes that's what makes us all laugh. He sure as fuck didn't mean to ever freak out on you neither to hurt you. No one did. It's just making us all a little bit angry when you keep pushing us away like you wouldn't trust us. Like you think we wouldn't care because we sure as hell _do_ care. You hear me? Whatever it is that makes you feel the way you do you can always talk to us. We will always be there for you no matter what. Damn, you could even call me at 3 a.m. if there'd be something you'd want to talk about then." With these words I felt him starting to relax a little in my arm. He seemed relieved. Like I just took a thousand fucking bricks off his chest or something.

"And" I started "if you still wanna talk about everything just go ahead. I'll listen y'know." I said and reassuringly smiled at him.

I got a strange yet good feeling in my stomach when Gerard smiled back at me. The last time I had _this_ kind of feeling was when I was still with my ex-boyfriend and...fuck since when do I have feelings for Gerard?

Gerard scooted closer and rested his head on my shoulder before he started talking.

"You know" he started "You're probably not as much of an asshole as you always pretend to be." Gerard said and giggled.

"You're confusing me here. What do you mean?" I asked and Gerard simply giggled even more.

"Stop fucking laughing at me and tell me." I said, poking his side with my other hand.

"Dude, okay, okay. I'll tell you, stop poking me." Gerard continued talking once I stopped tickling him.

"I mean you always act like you don't really give a shit about anything or anyone. Like there's nothing and nobody that could ever bring you down. But then again, all it takes are a few minutes alone with you and I get to know a completely whole new Bert. Like you had another one locked somewhere inside you and you only let him out when you actually need him or something." Gerard explained and seemed to be pretty amused about that.

"Well then don't get used to him. I'll better lock that little fucker away again." I joked and planted a little kiss on Gerard's head, who just smiled.

 

We sat like that for a while. Gerard cuddled close to me while I had my arm around his shoulders. And damn I think I enjoyed his nearness way more than I should have. Can someone kill these fucking butterflies in my stomach? This feeling is starting to get a little bit annoying. When did these feelings for Gerard even develop? And why do I find out about them just now? Or did I eat fucking caterpillars last time I was hammered as fuck? Nah, probably not the last one, eww.

 

I could feel Gerard shaking slightly.

"Are you freezing?" I asked. He nodded quietly.

"Do you want my jacket?" I asked. Oh shit, I'm starting to get really fucking cheesy here.

Gerard just shyly smiled at me.

"But wouldn't you freeze then?" he asked, still sheepishly smiling at me.

"I'm not gonna let you freeze to fucking death though." I answered while I took off my jacket and handed it to Gerard, who pulled it on without hesitating.

 

I couldn't hold back that one giggle. That jacket is way too big for his bony body. He looks so funny.

 

Gerard immediately grabbed my hand when I got back to my feet.

"What are you doing?" he asked confused.

"It's getting dark outside and I think we should go. I don't want to be murdered." I explained as I helped him back onto his own feet. "And I should message Mikey, Ray and Frank that you're with me. They probably already think we both got kidnapped and killed or something." I joked. Gerard laughed.

 

While we were walking I remembered that I wanted to message Mikey that Gerard and I are still alive. But since Gerard was walking on my left side and my mobile phone was in the left pocket of my jacket I had to reach around Gerard's waist to get it. I obviously took him by surprise with my action because he jumped a little and looked at me in surprise.

"Bert wh-" I waved my phone in front of his face.

"I just needed my phone. Told you I'm gonna message Mikey, Ray and Frank to let them know we're not dead and they don't have to plan our funeral yet." I explained innocently.

"Oh okay." Gerard said, ducking his head again but I could see his cheeks turning to a deep shade of red anyway.

"I'm sorry did you want me to pull you close and kiss you senseless or something?" I joked and earned a punch against my shoulder for it.

"Hey you're the one turning red here." I teased and caused Gerard to quickly focus on the street again, blushing even more than before.

'He's turning into a tomato' I thought to myself and then laughed at my own joke. It wasn't even a funny one.

I was actually just half joking to be honest. I wouldn't mind kissing him, but not until he's senseless though. I don't want to have to carry him the rest of the way.

"What are you laughing at?" he asked curiously.

"Huh? Oh, nothing." I answered.

Gerard opened his mouth as if to say something about it but obviously decided against it and turned his eyes towards the street again.

I continued writing the SMS for Mikey.

\-- Yo Mikes. found Gee. On our way 2 ur house. B. --

I didn't have to wait long for an answer.

\-- gr8. tell Frnk n Ray 2 meet wit us. M. --

So I messaged Ray and Frank to get their asses back to the Way's house.

 

The closer we came to Gerard's house the more I felt him tense up at my side.

"Are you alright?" I asked,

"What if they want me to explain why I just fucked off like that?" Gerard asked, sounding scared like a little child. I felt him squeezing my hand tightly.

...wait I didn't even realise we were holding hands the whole time. Or maybe I just didn't care. I mean who am I to complain about Gerard holding my hand?

"Nah. I don't think you'll have to explain anything. It was our fault that we pissed you off like this." I said. Gerard kept quiet but relaxed again, not letting go of my hand though. We continued walking.

 

Then Gerard suddenly stopped. I stopped too and turned around to look at him.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"Nothing." He answered quietly, his voice barely over a whisper.

"Why did you stop then? We're almost there." I could see Gerard fisting his other hand and tensing up again.

"Gerard I'm not oblivious nor stupid." I stated.

"It's just...they're gonna want to know what I meant by saying I was gonna tell you everything 'no more secrets and shit' but..." He paused but I knew exactly what he wanted to say so I finished the sentence for him.

"But you don't wanna talk about it yet." I finished for him and Gerard nodded.

 

I stepped into Gerard's personal space.

"Hey" I started and waited until Gerard raised his head and looked into my eyes. Then I put my hands on his shoulders and continued "We're not gonna force you to tell us anything if you don't want to yet. Sure, we're worried and everything but we can wait. Take your time." I encouraged him and then I saw a tear escaping his eye. I quickly raised my right hand and wiped the tear away. The next thing that happened took me by surprise though.

 

Gerard quickly wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me the last step forward so that our bodies touched.

Then he kissed me. _He_ kissed _me._

 _  
_He tasted like cigarettes and coffee. And maybe a little bit like vodka but I'm not sure about that.

 

I was so overwhelmed with everything that I didn't kiss him back at first so Gerard broke the kiss and stumbled a step back, mumbling some apologies.

"Don't apologise." I quickly said before I stepped towards him, softly grabbed his face and connected our lips again. He put his arms around me again and I could feel his lips curl up into a smile against my lips, causing me to kiss him more.

 

This is perfect.

Gerard and I are kissing each other.

 

My day couldn't have turned out better.


	6. Gerard's POV

Bert took me by the hand and dragged me into the house, pulling me up the stairs and into Mikey's room. Before Bert opened the door to get into Mikey's room he turned around and smiled at me.

I started shaking though. My whole body tensed up again and I felt anxious.

_They're going to hate me for fucking off like a pussy. They're going to beat the living crap out of me for worrying the hell out of them but not telling them what is wrong with me. They're gonna force me to tell them everything._

_But I can't tell them._

_  
_I don't want them to get involved in my shit. They'd turn their backs on me if they'd knew. They'd leave me alone. Utterly alone. They wouldn't understand me.

 

When Bert and I stepped into the room, he was still holding my hand, Frank, Ray and Mikey stood together in the middle of the room and simply stared at us.

I've never felt _this_ awkward around my friends.

 

After what felt like an eternity of staring at each other Mikey smiled and rushed towards me. At first I squeezed my eyes shut and winced a little 'cause I was expecting him to punch me in the face which, now that I actually think about it, he would never do since he's my little brother.

As he pulled me into the tightest hug I think I've ever received he accidently bumped into me so hard that we almost fell down onto the ground. He hugged me a little bit too tight.

My stomach still hurts like a motherfucker and my arms hurt too... I had to control myself to not squeal out in pain.

I did cut when I was alone in that little house where Bert found me later on and... _shit_. I forgot my blade there. I just put it onto the ground next to me after I cut my arms. Why? 'Cause I was thinking about whether I should commit suicide or not since not even my friends seemed to want me to be around them anymore. I was desperate. I was broken. I still am. I thought about the pro's and con's of killing myself...I couldn't think of any con's but when I took the blade again to finally end all this shit I heard someone opening the front door of the house so I just dropped the blade.

Shit what if Bert saw the blade? Or the blood on the floor beside me from my cuts?

No he can't have seen the blood, the house's floor is way too dark plus he would have said something if he had seen anything like that, right?

I should have been covering my cuts with more than just one plaster for each cut though. I can literally _feel_ the blood staining the plasters and my hoodie. Damn I hope I'm not staining Bert's jacket with my blood as well. I'm so fucked.

 

After Mikey let go of me again, Ray was the next one to hug me tightly.

_Damn. Sometimes hugs feel so good._

I didn't expect Frank to hug me like Ray and Mikey just did but I felt a little bit hurt when he didn't, though. Despite the fact that he seemed to ignore me completely.

When I looked over to Frank I found him staring at...- I followed his gaze and turned around -... Bert. Why was he staring at Bert? Not to mention that he looked pretty pissed and eventually hurt. What is going on? Why would Frank be angry at Bert?

 

When Bert turned his head to look at me I snapped out of my thoughts again and ducked my head, embarrassed that he caught me staring.

Bert lightly squeezed my hand and when I looked up at him, just enough to see his face, he smiled at me and then fixed his gaze back on Frank.

I turned around again.

 

Frank first looked at Bert, then he looked at me. He looked like he was holding back _tears._ His eyes were watery and his face turned a little bit red.

Then he looked back at Bert.

After a few seconds of staring at Bert, Frank ducked his head and rushed out of the room, bumping his shoulder into mine, almost sending me onto the floor with this action, as he hurried past me.

 

Bert immediately let go of my hand and ran after Frank, yelling "C'mon Frank. You're not gonna fucking sulk about this now, are you?"

Then the last thing I heard was Frank yelling "Fuck you, Bert!" and then the sound of their fading footsteps and the slamming of the front door. Well, now I'm really confused.

 

I turned around to look at Ray and Mikey who were just awkwardly standing at Mikey's bed.

"What the fuck was _that_? What the heck is going on with them?" I asked. That's some pretty confusing shit going on here.

They just shrugged and shook their heads. I thought they shrugged because they didn't know what was going on but Mikey added "I don't know if they want us to tell you."

"What?" I spat angrily. Why the hell can't they tell me? It can't be something that's so bad that they couldn't tell me except if...

"Was it something I did? Is it my fault?" I asked nervously and not even trying to keep my voice steady because there already were tears rolling down my cheeks again. I hate myself. I'm so breakable lately. So fragile. The smallest things bring me to tears. I'm showing weakness and I hate myself so much for that. I've become such a crybaby.

"Not exactly." Ray answered, encouragingly smiling at me and patting my head and messing my hair up a little bit more. But I don't believe him.

It sure as hell is something I did otherwise they could tell me, right?

"Okay." I started, my voice barely audible "I'm in my room then." I stated and then went down into the basement.

 

I feel so fucking exhausted and tired.

I collapsed on my bed and took a deep breath in an attempt to calm myself down again.

I immediately regretted taking a deep breath because it made the pain in my stomach only get worse.

"What the fuck?!" I asked myself while I rubbed my eyes with my palms and then clutched my hands onto my stomach and curled myself up in my blanket.

 

All I want to do is sleep but my mind just wouldn't let me fall asleep, neither would the immense pain in my stomach.

I need to know what I did wrong.

 

I grabbed my phone and messaged Frank and Bert:

\-- Is it my fault? Was it something I did? What did I do wrong? G. --


	7. Frank's POV

I walked down the street as fast as I could without running, hoping to get home as soon as possible.

It was dark already and the stars were shining bright. I almost tripped over some fucking cat that lay on the sidewalk and probably slept until I came too close.

"Frank! Can you fucking stop for a second?" I heard Bert yelling.

"Fuck off!" I screamed back, not even daring to stop. Bert can go fuck himself. He knows exactly what I feel for Gerard. I've told him a while ago and now Bert...now he is _with_ Gerard.

"Frank, stop making a fucking scene about this." he pleaded but I ignored him.

"Damn. Fucking stop, you fast dwarf." Bert yelled out of breath.

I stopped and bit back the urge to punch him in the fucking face when he finally caught up with me and stopped right in front of me, panting like he just ran a motherfucking mile.

"Fuck." he said, trying to catch his breath again.

"What?" I asked, my voice emotionless as hell.

"Dude, listen. I'm sorry, okay? I know that you have feelings for Gerard since fucking forever and shit but I..." he didn't finish the sentence. He just stared at me like he didn't know how to finish his own sentence but expected me to know what he wanted to say.

And, hell, I do know what he wants to tell me with that.

"Oh, you're sorry?" I repeated sarcastically.

"Well, fuck you anyway." I spat angrily "You fucking know what I'm feeling for him and you should also fucking know how much it hurts to see someone you love with someone else. Even worse when that _someone_ is someone you consider as best friend." I stated, still pissed as all fuck.

"Calm the fuck down, Frank. It's not the end of the world, plus, he kissed me first." Bert informed me, obviously angry himself.

"Oh, you want me to calm down, yeah?" I asked cautiously and stepped forward, looking Bert straight in the eyes and literally feeling myself losing control.

"What if I don't fucking want to?" I yelled angrily into his face and then pushed him back as hard as I could.

He tripped but didn't fall. Too bad.

"You wanna pick up a fucking fight, you dwarf?" Bert snapped furiously as shit and stepped towards me until we ended up face to face again.

"Get your shit together, Frank." Bert said and made it sound like some sort of warning, his eyes telling me that he's ready for a fucking fight.

"You're making a scene like a fucking five-year-old. And by the way, you shouldn't get into trouble with _me,_ Frank, we both know I could kick your ass anytime." he mentioned and smiled viciously. When he smiles like that he looks like a psychopath. Like he's completely crazy. Like he doesn't know what he's going to do next, probably murdering someone.

This crazy look in his eyes started to make me a little bit nervous but I didn't let it show.

When I opened my mouth in an attempt to say something to Bert I got cut off by our mobile phones which were both ringing.

I fished my phone out of my jeans' pocket. A message from Gerard.

I opened the message and read:

_\-- Is it my fault? Was it something I did? What did I do wrong? G. --_

_  
_I didn't answer straight away. I stuffed my phone back into my jeans' pocket and was about to say something when Bert spoke up.

"He thinks it's his fault that we fucked off like this." Bert stated earnestly and backed off.

"I...I know." was all I could answer to that.

"So what are we going to do now?" Bert asked tiredly.

"I don't know. Talk to him tomorrow or so?" I suggested 'cause damn I'm too tired to talk to anyone now. And if Gerard hadn't messaged us now we would probably be killing each other at this very moment.

Bert nodded and said "Fine."

Then he turned around and was about to go when I warned "We're not done here, though." and with that I turned on my heels and made my way home, not giving a single fuck whether he wanted to answer me or not.

I'm not fucking done with him, yet. He still has a lot of explaining to do.

 

And I'll have to find a way to be able to hang out with them without feeling like someone stabs me over and over again.

 

 

**~ . * . ~**

At some point in the middle of the night - or maybe at ass o'clock in the morning - I woke up to my phone ringing like crazy.

At first I tried to block out the noise by pulling my pillow over my head but that didn't help shit so I reached out for my phone, which currently laid on my nightstand.

I sighed and looked at the display. Gerard is calling me?

I took a deep breath and answered. "You do know that it is ass o'clock in the morning and most people try to get some sleep at this time, right?"

"Heeeeeeeeeeey Fraaaankiiiiiieeeee." Gerard replied in an high pitched voice. I hightly doubt that he is not drunk right now.

Before I could say anything Gerard continued talking.

"I need to tell you something reeeeaaally funny." he said, his voice as unsteady as it could possibly be. Did he even hear what I said when I answered the phone?

"Go ahead then." I said and waited for him to start talking again.

"Ooookay. So I went over to Bert's house to stay overnight with him and....and..." Gerard burst out into laughter.

Is he seriously going to tell me what he did with Bert? Fuck. My. Life.

When Gerard caught himself again he continued talking "and we decided to drink and...and then I found some funny goodys in a plastic bag and...and I think these were goodys and Bert said I could have them all and they'd improve my mood and make me happier and I could keep them because he has a lot more and..." Gerard started laughing hysterically again.

"And now I ate some and I feel soooo funny and I feel good and I see colors and things and it's so funny. I can't stop smiling and laughing." When he finished his sentence he started giggling uncontrollably.

My mind started racing and suddenly I felt wide awake. These weren't fucking candies...Bert gave him _drugs_. Gerard is drunk _and_ high.

What the heck.

"Gerard, where are you right now? Are you still at Bert's house?" I asked him worried because why the fuck does Bert own drugs and most of all why does he give them to Gerard? Gerard is recently an emotional wreck and fuck knows how many pills he ate, plus, what if he keeps doing drugs and uses them as some sort of 'escape'. He seems to like the effect or the feeling he gets by doing drugs.

Bert is such an idiot.

"No. I'm not at Bert's anymore. He fell asleep somewhere in his house and I was bored and went for a walk outside." Gerard informed me. I could literally _hear_ the wide grin on his face.

"Where are you?" I asked again while I jumped out of my bed and hastily pulled on a pair of jeans and a hoodie that laid on my room's floor.

"I don't know." Gerard replied and giggled again.

I sighed. Awesome, Bert. Fucking prick.

"Describe your surroundings. I'll come and get you." I said, grabbing my keys and then I silently left the house.

"Well, it's dark." Gerard mentioned.

I scratched the back of my neck.

"No shit, Sherlock?" I answered sarcastically.

"And here are...I think these are tomb stones." he replied.

"You're at the fucking cemetery? How the hell did you get there? How long have you been walking?" I asked and helplessly shook my head.

"I've been walking for a while." Gerard simply replied.

"Well, whatever. Stay where you are. I'm on my way to get you." I told him.

"Okay. I'll wait for you, Frankie." Gerard said happily and then hung up.

I stuffed my phone back into my pocket along with my hands and thought about whether I should walk or drive.

Walking would take too much time so I decided to drive to the cemetery.

I started the engine and then drove off to the cemetery.

 

I think I'm going to murder Bert when I see him later today.

Why does he do shit like that? Seriously.

He'll have a hell of a lot to explain.

First he gets Gerard and probably himself drunk as all shit.

Second he gives Gerard drugs and then he leaves Gerard alone at ass o'clock in the morning.

 

This explanation is going to be interesting.


	8. Frank's POV

When I arrived at the cemetery I noticed Gerard sitting on the ground and leaning with his back against the cemetery gate, holding a bottle in one hand and the plastic bag he's been talking about earlier in the other hand.

I stopped and unbuckled my seatbelt. I left the engine running when I got out of the car.

"Get off the ground, Gee. It's freezing cold and I don't want you to get sick." I said while I walked over to him.

His head shot up when he recognized my voice.

Then he literally jumped off the ground and ran to me. Then he wrapped his arms around me, hugging me tight.

"Frankiiiiiiiiie!" he squeaked happily and tightened his grip around me.

How the hell can someone as bony as Gerard hug me this tight? He's literally squeezing the air out of my lungs.

"Let me breathe, please." I choked out and caused him to back off. He ducked his head shyly and mumbled some barely audible apologies.

"It's okay, Gee." I said. "Better get in the car before you freeze to death." I advised and turned around to get myself back to the car as well when Gerard grabbed my hand all of a sudden.

I jumped a little. It's a miracle he didn't freeze to death, yet. It feels like Frosty the Snowman just grabbed my hand.

I turned around in surprise and looked questioningly at Gerard.

"I'm cold." Gerard explained grinning, now holding the bottle and the plastic bag in his other hand.

"I ought to notice that." I said. Then I let go of his hand and pulled him closer so I was able to lay my arm around his shoulders.

Gerard slipped his free arm underneath my unzipped jacket to get a little bit more of my body heat. We didn't let go of each other until we were forced to since Gerard had to get on the passenger's seat, which was harder than expected since he was drunk as all fuck, and I had to go to the driver's seat.

Gerard buckled himself up and so did I.

 

 

While I drove I noticed that Gerard opened the bottle and took a few sips.

"Is that alcohol?" I asked because if it is then I'm going to take it away from him. He's had enough of that for today.

"Yes." he answered and a huge smile started to show up on his face.

I pulled to the side and stopped the car.

"Give me the bottle." I said.

"Why? Do you want to drink some? But not too much, Frankie, you're driving." Gerard said while he handed the bottle to me.

I grabbed the bottle and closed it again.

"No." I answered. "But you've clearly had enough of this today." I added and dropped the bottle onto the car's floor behind my seat.

Gerard pouted.

"Give it back to me." he said.

"No." I answered.

"You're no fun, Frankie." he mentioned and then crossed his arms in front of his chest like a stubborn five-year-old.

"Don't turn this into a drama, Gerard." I warned him and rolled my eyes.

He kept quiet but let his arms fall onto his lap now.

I sighed and was about to start the engine again when I heard him fumbling with the plastic bag on his lap.

I shot around and quickly ripped the plastic bag out of his hands. He shot me a death glare.

"What the fuck, Frank?" he spat angrily.

"You're not gonna eat any more of this shit." I stated and looked straight into his eyes.

"What is your fucking problem?" Gerard snapped furiously.

"My problem is that you're eating that crap like it's fucking candy." I explained, trying hard to keep myself as calm as possible.

"So what? It's none of your fucking business." he yelled.

"It is. You are my best fucking friend and I'm not going to let you eat this shit if I can prevent it." I explained calmly.

"Fucking give them back to me." Gerard forced while he unbuckled himself and reached out for the plastic bag, trying to get it back.

"No." I said and quickly pulled the bag away and out of his reach.

"I'll get it back anyway." Gerard answered and climbed onto my lap so I couldn't pull the bag away any further.

 

 

And there it was again. _That_ feeling. I don't think this is the right time or right place for fucking butterflies flying around in my stomach now. Being _this_ close with Gerard made my head spin a little bit.

"Gerard! Get the fuck off me." I said, raising my voice a little bit even though I didn't mean to.

"Give the bag back to me first." Gerard begged, fumbling around with his hands in an attempt to get a grip on the plastic bag but I quickly stuffed it behind my back to hide it between the seat and my back.

Then I grabbed Gerard's wrists to keep him from struggling.

"Gerard!" I started angrily and looked right into his eyes. Damn hammered-as-fuck-Gerard is unnerving.

"Get yourself together." I warned him and kept my eyes fixed on his eyes.

"Give it back to me." Gerard pleaded and it was just now that I realized that his eyes were watery and the first few tears started rolling down his cheeks.

I shook my head slightly, telling him that he won't get this plastic bag back. I didn't take my eyes off him.

"You're hurting me." he informed me, his voice was shaking.

At first I was confused. How am I hurting him?

Just when he started whining in pain I realized that I was still holding his wrists and kept on tightening my grip on them without noticing it.

I let go of his wrists as fast as I could and apologized for hurting him.

He pulled his arms away.

"Please, Frank." he begged, still sitting on my lap and not seeming to consider getting off my lap any time soon.

"Why do you want these drugs so desperately?" I asked him.

He just kept staring into my eyes, remaining silent at first.

The look in his eyes is killing me. He looks so sad, so hurt, so _broken_.

"They...they keep me from feeling the way I usually feel. They make me feel happy. They shut out the voices in...in my head." he explained, obviously trying his best to keep his voice from cracking up.

I looked at him in confusion.

He shook his head, quickly climbed off my lap and sat back onto the passenger's seat.

"Forget what I said." he mumbled while he bucklet himself up again and started staring out of the car's window on his side.

"Gerard..." I started helplessly but he cut me off before I could say anything else.

"Didn't you want to drive me home?" he mentioned and continued staring out of the window.

I sighed, dropped the plastic bag onto the car's floor behind my seat like I did with the bottle before and then pulled back onto the street.

We didn't talk for the rest of the way. I just heard Gerard sniffing a couple of times, probably trying to choke his sobs but mostly failed.

 

 

After I pulled into the Way's house's driveway I stopped the car and got out of it along with Gerard.

"Gerard, wait." I said before he could unlock the front door and disappear inside. He stopped and turned around, looking exhausted and tired and kinda hurt.

"What?" he asked, his voice was surprisingly emotionless.

"I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to hurt you neither to go too far or anything. Please, don't hate me now." I pleaded.

Gerard looked at me and seemed to be thinking about something. I didn't know what was going on inside of his head at that very moment but the long silence made my mind go nuts.

"I do want you to be happy and I want you to be okay again...but not through drugs." I added nervously.

Gerard shook his head.

"I could never hate you or stay mad at you for long, Frankie." he answered and it felt like he just took a thousand bricks off of my chest.

He unlocked the door and was about to go inside but then he turned around again.

 

 

"Thank you." he said smiling before he wrapped his arms around my neck, pulled me close and then caught my lips with his.

I didn't even fully realize what was going on. I just put my arms around his waist to keep him close.

We stayed like that for a while. Our lips moving in unison as we kissed. My stomach about to explode due to butterfly overload.

Until I finally realized _what_ exactly we were doing Gerard pulled away from the kiss.

Thank god it's still dark outside so Gerard can't see how much I'm blushing right now. I can literally _feel_ my cheeks turning into a deep shade of red.

Did he just seriously kiss me?

But he's with Bert and from what I've heard Bert can get jealous as hell. And _this_ would be a perfectly good reason for him to murder me.

Yes. Bert's gonna kill me if he ever finds out about what just happened.

 

When I snapped out of my thoughts again I looked up at Gerard and saw that he was hiding his face behind his hair but I could still see that his face turned into a deep shade of red as well.

"Uhm...well...G-Goodnight, Frankie." he stuttered hastily and then went inside and quickly shut the door behind him.

What the hell just happened?

 

 

 

 

 

**\- Gerard's POV -**

**  
**I only realized what I just did as I closed the door. Fuck. I kissed Frank. Shit.

Not only that Frank's probably gonna think that I'm the ultimate creep now but also he's gonna think I'm some kind of man-whore.

Bert's going to kill me if he ever finds out about this. I know how aggressive he can get. Especially when it comes to things like that.

I'm in the shit for sure.

I hope Frank keeps quiet about this otherwise I'm so dead. Bert is going to beat the living shit out of me.

But why did it feel so good to kiss Frank? Why did it feel so _right_?

I can't have that kind of feelings for two people at once, can I?

Shit. What the fuck is going on with me? Somehow, everything's going wrong lately.

Nothing works out the way I want it to. Fuck.

 

_collage submitted by anonymus via Tumblr_

 

 

 

 

**\- Frank's POV -**

**  
**After I finally arrived at home I didn't want anything more than sleep. I'm so tired. I'm so exhausted and Gerard won't seem to leave my mind any time soon.

I still feel him on my lips. His lips were so soft and warm against mine.

I still taste him on my tongue. He tasted like cigarettes and alcohol but I didn't care. It felt awesome.

 

Why did he kiss me though?

 

When I finally managed to wrap myself up in my blanket my phone buzzed again.

What. The. Fuck.

I reached my arm out to fish the phone off my nightstand.

This is really starting to annoy me. For fuck's sake.

I didn't look at the phone's display before I answered the call.

"What?" I asked the person on the other end of the line, not even trying to sound like I'm not annoyed as fuck.

"Frank, is Gerard with you? I already called Ray and Mikey and they didn't know where he is and Gerard himself doesn't answer his damn phone." the voice on the other side of the line explained panicly.

"Bert?" I asked as if I didn't know it was him.

"Yeah. It's me. Do you know where Gerard is?" he repeated.

"Yeah. I picked him up at the cemetery and brought him home." I answered. I better keep the "I-kissed-your-new-boyfriend"-part to myelf.

I wanted the conversation to end as soon as possible until I remembered that Bert gave Gerard _drugs_ and got him drunk as all fuck.

"At the cemetery?" Bert asked confused.

"Yes, exactly. He called me and told me that you guys were drinking and at some point you gave him drugs and told him he could keep them and then some time later you fell asleep so he got bored and went outside for a walk, ending up at the cemetery." I explained and cut him off when he was about to answer.

"First of all, why the fuck do you own drugs, Bert? And second why the fuck do you tell Gerard that he can keep them? How fucking retarted are you, Bert?" I finished.

"Well, the drugs make him feel happy and shit. And a happy Gerard is better than a sad Gerard, right?" Bert explained, making it sound like it is some fucking joke to him.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Bert? Do you think this is a joke or something?" I asked, annoyed by his amount of stupidity.

This is not average stupidity, I thought, this is advanced stupidity.

"He wanted them and I know their effects. I know these tablets are going to improve his mood so why should I have said that he couldn't have them?" Bert asked.

Is he serious?!

"Probably because this is fucking substance abuse, Bert. And these pills don't just improve one's mood. Gerard said he also saw colors and 'things' and shit. What kinds of drugs were in that fucking plastic bag? Did you mix random pills together or what?" I snapped.

"MDMA, Acid and LSD." Bert listed.

"Are you fucking kidding me, Bert?" I asked again. Bert remained silent.

"I'm too tired to talk this out now. Just know that I took the plastic bag away from Gerard and dumped it somewhere along the way so that no one fucking finds it. We'll talk about this later, Bert." I warned him and then I hung up without waiting for a reply.

 


	9. Frank's POV

When I woke up it was about 2pm already. I sat up on my bed and was kind of startled by the sudden pain that shot through my head.

Why the fuck am I the one who's having a headache? Gerard was the one who was hammered as all fuck yesterday, not me.

When I thought about Gerard the first thing that came back to my mind again was: _he kissed me._

Gerard fucking Way kissed me. Welcome back, butterflies in my stomach.

It wasn't just a little peck on my cheek or a little peck on my lips or something, no, it was a _real_ kiss. The way usually only a  _couple_ kisses each other.

I wonder if it meant something to him? Because to me it did.

But he's with Bert...damn fuck this shit.

 

 

 

Trying my best to ignore this memory again I got up and went into the bathroom. I showered and then dressed up.

The exact second that I was done with everything and ready to go downstairs into the kitchen to get something to eat my phone rang.

I went back to my nightstand and grabbed my phone, staring at the display for second. I froze. Bert is calling.

Well I hope Gerard didn't tell him anything about last night because if he did Bert is going to rip my guts out but I'd really like to keep them where they are.

I hesitated, fearing that Bert might know about me and Gerard kissing but I decided to ignore my worries and answer the phone.

"Hey Bert." I greeted him.

"Yo Frank. We're playing kickball with some dudes we just met in the park. You comin'?" Bert asked.

Oh sweet Jesus. What of luck he doesn't seem to know shit about last night. Good thing Gerard didn't tell him.

"Well, yeah sure. Why not? I'll be there in a few minutes." I replied.

"Okay. See you around." Bert answered and then hung up.

I stuffed my phone back into my jeans' pocket, went downstairs and quickly ate something.

Then I grabbed my keys, left the house and drove to the park.

 

 

 

When I arrived there, I saw them already full in the game.

As I walked up to them I looked at the other dudes who Bert was talking about on the phone. Their faces look kind of familiar even though I have no clue where I could have ever seen them.

"Iero!" I heard Bert calling from afar.

Mikey, Ray and the other dudes turned around and stared at me until I finally reached them.

"What's up, guys?" I greeted them, when a tall, blonde haired guy stepped towars me and looked me up and down.

"So, you're Frank, huh?" he mentioned.

"No. I'm Santa Clause. Of course I am Frank." I answered sarcastically and rolled my eyes.

"You're pretty short. Is there even enough oxygen down there?" he joked and showed off a shit-eating grin.

"I'm not short, asshole. I'm fun-sized." I corrected him and added "And who the fuck are you?"

I probably sounded kinda pissed off right now, which I was. I hate it when someone makes fun of my body size.

Despite. I'm not even that small. I'm only like one or two inches smaller than Gerard. Talking, no, thinking about Gerard. Where is he?

"I'm Bob." he introduced himself and reached out his hand to shake mine. "Aren't you too short to play kickball?" Bob teased, laughing.

I opened my mouth to insult the living shit out of that asshole but Bert was faster than me.

"Dude. Better don't fuck with Frank. He might be small but he can kick asses like no other plus he has reflexes like a kung-fu master." Bert warned Bob and patted my shoulder in an attempt to calm me down.

"I was just kidding anyway." Bob defended himself and added "Calm down kid - uhm I mean Frank." he smirked.

I'm not going to punch him now even though I'd love to.

Then another tall guy pushed himself between Bob and me.

"Hi, Frank, right? I'm Brian." he said happily.

"Yeah, hi. Nice to meet you." I answered half-heartedly.

"And I am Mark." the third guy informed me.

"Alright." I simply said and then turned around to face Mikey, Ray and Bert.

"Where's Gerard?" I asked hoping one of them knew the answer. Mikey apparently did.

"He's in his room and hungover as fuck. He said he feels like a zombie or like death warmed over." Mikey said chuckling.

"So I guess he's not coming today?" Bert said but it sounded more like a question.

"Whatever. We can kick these guys' asses at kickball anyway." Ray joked and then we started playing.

 

 

 

After about two hours of playing kickball it turned out that these guys are way too fucking good at that game despite the fact that like the last ten minutes we played kickball were more of a fail-the-ball-and-laugh-until-it-hurts than an actual game.

I guess we shouldn't have been taking smoke-and-beer-breaks like every fifteen minutes.

We should have been thinking about the fact that drinking alcohol in the sun makes one drunk faster than drinking beer in the shadows underneath a tree or somewhere.

Oh well, it's way too hot to play kickball anyways, so that's probably not that much of a big problem.

We decided to sit underneath a tree and talk about some pointless crap that turned out to not be as pointless as I thought it was.

I realised that Bob, Brian and Mark had a lot in common with me, Ray, Mikey, Bert and Gerard.

I also got to know that they were all attending the same school as me and my friends. At least now I know where I've seen them before, I just obviously never really payed attention to them.

These three guys are actually pretty cool except for making fun of my height occasionally.

 

At some point of our conversation, however, we started talking about Gerard, though, I don't even know how we got from talking about our hobbies and things we like in general to talking about Gerard. Not that I'd complain about it or anything.

"So, Gerard is your brother." Bob repeated.

"Like I said." Mikey replied.

"But wait. Isn't Gerard the one who gets shoved around and picked on all the time?" Brian asked.

When Mikey didn't seem to dare answering Brian I did.

"Yeah that's him." I answered.

"I still don't get why these dickheads of jocks treat him like that all the time." Mark stated and damn I don't think anyone gets the point at treating someone this bad for no fucking reason at all. I bet not even the jocks know it themselves.

"Gerard, however, actually seems to be a pretty cool guy. I mean I don't know him, yet, but like from his appearance y'know?" Brian stated, taking another sip of his almost empty beer.

"Oh, he is a really cool guy." Ray confirmed him and we all nodded in agreement.

"There's just one thing I don't get about Gerard." Bob said.

I looked at him expectantly. "What do you mean?" I asked curiously.

"Don't tell me none of you guys noticed." Bob said surprised. He seems to like talking in puzzles.

"C'mon dude. The fuck are you talking about?" Bert hissed impatiently.

"Didn't you ever notice that he's always wearing long-sleeved clothes? No matter how fucking hot it was outside he never wore a t-shirt or something that doesn't cover his arms? Doesn't that kind of make you suspicious?" Bob explained.

Well, now that Bob brought that up. I've really never seen him wearing anything that does not cover his arms.

"Yeah but that's his style I guess." Ray mentioned, shrugging. He sounded kinda confused too.

"Yeah, what should we be suspicious about?" I asked. I looked over to Mikey whose eyes apparently seemed to be about to jump out of his head. They grew huge in the realization of something Bert, Ray and I obviously haven't noticed, yet.

"Now that you're bringing it up." Mikey mumbled absently.

"Care to explain what you mean?" I asked, slowly getting a bit impatient.

"Never considered that maybe, just maybe, he tries to hide something beneath his sleeves? Something like scars? Cuts?" Bob explained and fuck now that I'm actually thinking about it.

The fuckheads of jocks torture him everyday, hurt him physically and verbally, he always blocks us out when we ask him what is wrong and he always keeps everything to himself.

"Makes sense, actually." I whispered more to myself than anyone else.

"But hey, let's not jump to conclusions here." I advised.

"Why do you think he would punish himself like that?" Ray asked shyly.

"Maybe it's all to much for him." Mikey said earnestly before Bob could answer.

"What?" Ray and Bert asked shocked. They seem to be the only ones who didn't get it yet.

"You know he gets picked on and shoved around a lot. He gets hurt everyday. Physically but also verbally. Who knows how much pressure that is for him." Mikey explained with the most serious expression I've ever seen on his face.

"Can we talk about something else? I don't think my boyfriend would ever do something like that. Why should he? He knows he can talk to us about everything and he knows that we'll always be there." Bert snapped furiously.

"He would never fucking cut himself." Bert hissed.

"Woah, calm down Bert. It's worth a worry. Just think about it for a second." Ray said.

"Maybe one of you should ask Gerard to show his arms?" Mark suggested.

"Why? What's the fucking point? He's not a fucking cutter." Bert snapped angrily.

"What makes you so sure about that?" I asked him calmly. Bert just shot me a death glare.

"You don't know what's going on inside of him. No one does. So we shouldn't leave that thought out." Mikey added.

"Okay. That's enough." Bert said and then got up "I'll go." he stated and then Bert walked off.

I quickly got up too and walked after him.

"Why are you leaving like a little bitch?" I asked him.

"I hate the way you guys are talking about Gerard. That's not fair." Bert explained.

I remained silent, not knowing what I should answer to that.

 

 

Then I remembered Bert's phone call from last night.

"You said you wanna talk about something else. Okay, let's do it then. Why the fuck did you give Gerard fucking drugs?" I asked.

"I thought I already told you." Bert simply said without even glancing at me but rather keeping his eyes locked at the grass we were currently walking on.

"Yeah well I don't think this is going to help him in any way. The drugs are only gonna make it worse." I mentioned.

Bert stopped and turned around to face me. For a second I thought he's going to punch me but luckily he didn't.

"They made him feel good yesterday, right? Correct me if I'm wrong but I think they made him forget about his problems and shit. So if he doesn't want to open up to us and tell us what is wrong maybe this is the only way to make him happy again." Bert explained.

"But it's not like it's going to solve his problems. They are still gonna be there so he's going to do drugs over and over again and possibly he gets addicted to them and maybe hits rock bottom sometime after that. Do you really want to be the reason for him to completely break down and lose control?" I asked Bert sadly but Bert kept quiet which I thought was his way of saying that he doesn't want to be the reason for something like that.

"Anyways...I'll go home. It's almost 7pm and it's gonna start to get darker soon and my parents have no clue where I am." Bert sighed quietly.

"But you live alone?" I stated slightly confused.

Bert just sighed again, shook his head and then got into his car and drove home.

 

 

I slowly turned around and started walking back to where Bob, Mikey, Ray, Brian and Mark were sitting when my phone buzzed.

I stopped mid-way and fished my phone out of my jeans, staring at the display for a second. Gerard's calling.

I answered.

"Hey, Gee. S'up?" I greeted him.

"F-Frankie?" he asked. I'm not quite sure but I think he kind of sounds scared and like he's about to burst out in tears. What's wrong?

"Uhm yeah. Are you alright?" I asked him hoping that he was okay.

"Y-You didn't tell Bert about what happened last night, did you?" he asked nervously.

"Of course I didn't. I don't have a deathwish, yet." I chuckled.

"G-Good and..." Gerard stopped talking for some reason. Well, that makes me suspicious.

"And...?" I pressed.

"And there's something else..." Gerard continued.

"What else?" I quickly asked. He's making me a bit nervous all of a sudden. And eventually I got a little scared.

After a few moments of silence all Gerard said was:

 

"Can you come over? We need to talk."


	10. Gerard's POV

"Uhm. Sure. I'll be there in a few minutes." Frank said and then hung up.

Okay, I'm really nervous right now. My whole body is shaking and I kind of feel like I'm about to pass out. How will I even start this conversation with him?

Fuck. I should have been thinking about this before I called Frank to come over.

 

 

As I waited for Frank I decided to randomly look through the pages of my notebook which, by the way, doesn't have any real notes in it but rather a load of random drawings and sketches I've made during lessons or whenever I was alone.

Looking through the pages I realized that if anyone would ever find my notebook and look through the pages like I do right now, they would probably never think that this is a 17-year-old's notebook. Not because the drawings and sketches are good, because they are not, but because I don't think anyone would ever expect a 17-year-old to have things like this going on on his mind.

Why? Because of the fact that most oft these drawings, doodles and sketches show me killing myself. The way I would imagine it to be. And, let's get this straight off, no one would ever miss me. Why should they? They'd laugh at me. Forget about me easily. Maybe a few people, like Mikey, Ray, Bert and Frank, maybe they would cry for me for a day or something but their tears would dry as soon as they'd start to fall and then they'll erase me from their minds forever.

This one time, Frank and I played hangman during a group project because, let's face it, we both suck at working on anything without anyone's help. Frank lost a few times but so did I. Who would have known Frank would pick words like 'Disenchanted' or some words which I don't even know what they mean. Frank, on the other hand, failed to figure out the word 'Apocalypse'. Howsoever, afterwards I made the figures look like it was me hanging.

Then there's this one picture I drew in math class a few days ago. It shows me lying on the floor in the school hallway, blood running from my head and a gun in my hand. I shot myself. A pool of my own blood all around me. The word 'Dead' is written with my blood and everyone crowded around me is just laughing and pointing with their fingers at me. My friends are laughing too and no one sheds a single tear. Yeah, why should they?

  
There's another drawing which shows me jumping off a bridge, trying to escape the hell I'm already living in. Underneath the bridge are demons, trying to grab me to pull me down faster into another hell. Yeah, because living hell can't be that much different from the actual hell, right? Just a hell of a lot more demons. There's another picture similar to this. Only this time I'm not jumping but there's a big crowd behind me. They're reaching out their arms to push me off the bridge. My friends in the front row.

Soon I realized that looking through my notebook in the meanwhile eventually wasn't the best idea. I had to control myself to not burst out in tears. This is just not okay. This is not what I wanted my life to be like. Wanting to die so bad that I start drawing the possibilities of how to commit suicide definitely wasn't what I wanted to achive in my life. I don't want _this_ life.

As I turn another page I take a sharp breath and my eyes widen in shock. This picture is definitely not like the others, in fact, it's far from being like the others. I drew Frank and me kissing. Guess, I drew it after we...well after I kissed him. Frank's arms are wrapped around my waist and mine are wrapped around his neck. We're both smiling against each other's lips.

I stared at the picture for a few more moments until I ripped it out of the notebook and dumped it.

Frank doesn't feel something like _that_ for me. Why should he? And I shouldn't be feeling like _this_ for him either. But I have to admit that I _do_ feel like that and there's nothing I can do about it. I shouldn't get my hopes up anyway. He's too perfect.

I guess he just didn't want to be impolite or something so he just played along with the kiss.

He probably simply didn't push me away because I was hammered as hell and if he had pushed me away I could have tripped and fallen and broken my neck and due to that I could have died. And Frank is not quite what I would call a murderer.

But the kiss was...it was just awesome. Kissing Frank felt better than kissing Bert. It felt right. I felt good and I felt save. Hell. I shouldn't get butterflies when I'm thinking about it, right? But his lips were so soft and warm against mine. His breath was hot against my skin and when our tongues met it felt like a shit load of fireworks were exploding. It felt fucking perfect. He tasted good.

I rubbed my eyes with my palms in an attempt to get rid of this thought again. I shouldn't be thinking about it that much neither should I _feel_ about it the way I do.

I'm with Bert. I can't do this to him. He doesn't deserve my shit and I really don't want to lose him. Fuck. What have I gotten myself into.

 

 

When I heard the doorbell ringing I snapped out of my thoughts and I hurried upstairs and opened the door. Frank stood there, of course, and shyly smiled at me.

"Hey, Gee." he said, still smiling at me but I didn't quite listen.

His eyes are so fucking perfect, so beautiful. His hair is messy but still looks perfect in a way. His voice makes me shiver and his lips...god his lips always look so soft, which they are, and just perfect. Frank is perfect.

Damn. I should really stop staring at him and his lips. I really need to get my shit together but first of all I need to take my eyes off of Frank, which is harder than it sounds.

"Uhm...are you okay, Gee?" Frank asked nervously but smiled bright at me though. His voice made me return back to reality and blush in embarrassment.

"Uh, yeah, yeah. Sorry, I was just...Come in." I finished lamely and took a step back to let Frank inside.

I cursed myself. If I could punch myself right now, I would.

I feel the strong urge to kiss him...again. Press him against a wall and pin his hands above his head. Kiss him more...kiss him better...kiss him longer.

Fuck. I should be thinking about doing this with Bert, not with Frank. Something's going completely wrong here.

 

 

When I finally managed to escape my thoughts and return to real life I noticed Frank and I were back in my basement room, sitting next to each other on my bed. Eventually, a little bit too close for comfort at the moment.

"So...what did you want to talk about?" Frank asked and I think he sounds kind of nervous. Or maybe that's just me, I don't know.

"The kiss..." I finally managed to choke out after my heart rate calmed down again. I immediately felt a twinge of anxiety shooting through my whole body. I don't even know what _I_ have to say about that. It's not like I didn't like it or something. I fucking loved it to be honest. Fuck fuck fuck.

"Well...I-I know you were, you know, uhm drunk and everything and you're with Bert and it uhm...it was a mistake." Frank stuttered, then quickly smiled at me and then he decided to stare at his hands again.

I was frightened at how hurt I felt when he said that it was a _mistake_. I know I shouldn't feel hurt about it but I do.

"Y-Yeah. Uhm, a mistake...right." I repeated, more to myself than to Frank. I'm pretty sure my voice was barely audible anyway.

My heart feels like it just shattered into a million pieces to never be put back together ever again. I can feel my eyes starting to fill with tears as well. Hell, I'm not gonna fucking cry now.

Then I remembered what I originally wanted to tell him, which was, for some reasons, a little bit more important than the actual kiss thing right now.

"Uhm...F-Frankie?" I started nervously and waited for a reaction. Frank looked up and straight into my eyes. Is it the dim light in here or do his eyes look watery? Like he's about to burst into tears too?

"Yeah?" Frank kind of asked.

I took a deep breath.

"Mikey saw us." I quickly confessed and Frank's face dropped.

"Mikey did _what_?" he asked. His facial expression was a mixture of shock, anger and fear.

"Bert called him to ask him if he knew where I was because well as the drunken fuck I was I just pissed off without telling Bert or leaving him a note or something. And...and Mikey stayed up and waited for me to eventually come home and he looked out of the window and...he saw us kissing." I explained hastily, my heart about to jump out of my chest.

I could see that Frank was panicking. Makes two of us.

"B-But he's not gonna tell Bert about it, right?" he asked nervously.

"I told him to keep it a secret but I mean, honestly, who are we trying to fool? I love my brother but he sucks at keeping secrets. I just hope and pray that he won't." I admitted guiltily.

"Fuck." Frank simply replied.

"I-I'm sorry. I caused this mess it's all my fault. If I wouldn't have kissed you then we wouldn't have to worry whether Bert is going to kill us any time soon or not. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get you into any trouble. I-I'm sorry, Frankie." I apologized while tears were threatening to escape my eyes.

 

 

Frank continued staring at me. The look in his eyes was killing me and made me feel even guiltier than before. When the first tears started to fall from my eyes, streaming down my face I quickly ducked my head and squeezed my eyes shut tightly, hoping to at least stop more tears from dropping.

It's my fault. I'm a fucking unfaithful dimwit. It weren't even 24 hours and I already cheated on Bert.

I don't deserve to be loved. I don't deserve friends. I don't deserve to be _alive_.

I felt my whole body tensing up and trembling in anger and self-hatred. I have never hated myself as much as I do right now. I even bit my lip so hard that I could taste blood.

If Bert freaks out and does anything to harm Frank it'll be my fault. I'll be the reason if Frank gets hurt by Bert. He's going to hate me if he doesn't already. They are both going to hate me. I'll lose them and it's my own fucking fault.

 

 

I jumped when Frank suddenly wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a hug.

"Don't be so hard to yourself, Gee." he said calmly, without letting go of me and causing even more tears to spill from my eyes. I couldn't hold them back anymore.

"What?" was the only thing I was able to say.

"I can literally _see_ how much you're blaming yourself for this. You shouldn't." he replied and slowly let go of me again, then looking deeply into my eyes.

"It always takes two for a kiss, right?" he winked at me smiling and then added "Gotta go now, though. It's getting pretty late." and with that he quickly hugged me again. Then he got up, went upstairs and left the house, leaving me confused.

Why shouldn't I blame myself? It _is_ my fault.

 

 

Without shedding any more thoughts on this I grabbed my phone off my nightstand and called Bert.

I need to figure out my feelings for Bert. I can't have feelings for Frank when I have feelings for Bert at the same time. This just can't work out. I really need to sort this out or I'm going to hurt one of them, or even worse, I'm gonna hurt both with my shit.

"Yeah?" Bert answered my call. Well, if that didn't sound motiviating.

"Hey, Bert. Can I come over?" I asked.

"Yeah, of course. Are you gonna stay here for the rest of the weekend? Would be cool, y'know?" Bert suggested and I swear I could literally hear the huge grin on his face along with the excitement in his voice.

"Sure. I mean if that's okay for you?" I replied, unsure of whether he actually meant what he said or not.

"Hell yeah. See you in a few minutes." Bert replied happily and then hung up.

 

 

Maybe this weekend is going to be alright after all.


	11. Bert's POV

Waking up on monday - woohoo another week of torture begins - wasn't as terrible as usual.

It was rather pretty awesome waking up and having Gerard cuddled close to me.

He had one arm tightly wrapped around my waist, which didn't make it quite easy for me to get up and I didn't want to wake him up just yet so I decided to watch him sleep.

He obviously didn't make it out of his clothes, or at least his hoodie, before he fell asleep yesterday and he looks pretty much like shit yet he looks ridiculously cute with his hair messed up like this and his face pale like a ghost.

His body was nuzzled up close against mine and I couldn't think of a time that I ever felt better than right now. This moment right now it perfect.

But after all we still had to get up and drag ourselves to that hell-hole we call school.

"Gerard? C'mon we gotta get ready for school and shit." I said while I, as the asshole I am, started poking his sides.

Gerard only groaned in response and wriggled away from me and out of my reach. Unfortunately he rolled a bit too far and fell out of my bed. He landed on the ground next to my bed and I tried really hard not to burst out in laughter. I failed miserably.

"Ouch. Damn. Fuck you, Bert." he snapped as he sat up and rubbed the back of his neck with his hand.

"Hey, don't blame me. You decided that it was a good idea to roll off my bed." I defended myself laughing.

Then I got onto my feet and walked past Gerard and into the bathroom to shower.

When I was done and dressed up again I walked back into my room to find Gerard still sitting on the floor with his back leaning against the bed and his hands clutched to his head.

"Are you alright, Gee?" I asked while I stepped a little closer.

"Yeah. Just my head that's probably going to explode some time soon." he groaned.

"I won't clean up your fucking brain then, so better don't explode. I don't want your brain everywhere." I joked and immediately caused his mouth angles to twitch upwards into a little smile.

"You're just not used to it." I stated.

"Used to what? Drinking multiple bottles of alcohol, swallowing pills like they're candy? Oh and let's not forget your genius idea to try cocaine." Gerard answered sarcastically and giggled at the end.

"All you had to say was 'no'. Simple as that." I told him but couldn't keep the smile off my face.

"I'm surprised you even remember anything at all." I added, still smiling.

"Oh, I don't remember shit. Well I mean that's the only thing I remember. Do you know anything?" he asked and then looked up at me expectantly.

"I remember that we were making out quite a lot." I said smirking and noticed the same expression building up on Gerard's face.

"You should get ready now, though. You have about fifteen minutes or we're gonna be late." I informed him.

"Don't wanna." he pouted and then crossed his arms in front of his chest.

"C'mon." I pleaded and reached out my hands for him to help him getting up.

"No." he mocked and didn't even dare to make a move to eventually grasp my hands.

"Up. Now." I warned him.

He rolled his eyes, grabbed my hands and I pulled him up to his feet.

"See? Wasn't that difficult, was it?" I teased but he just stuck out his tongue.

 

 

 

  
Then Gerard suddenly wrapped his arms around me and let himself fall back onto the bed, dragging me down with him.

Gerard landed softly on the bed sheets and I ended up lying on top of him.

For a second I was afraid that I may have crushed a few of his bones in his way-too-skinny-body but he started laughing his high-pitched laugh and erased that thought from my mind.

I rolled my eyes and kissed him softly...at first.

Well what started out as an innocent, soft kiss turned into a rough and passionate one within a few seconds.

Not that I would mind making out with him the whole day but we still had to get to school since today's monday. Too bad.

I cautiously pulled back and broke the kiss. Gerard just smiled at me. Fucking cute smile.

"Seriously, Gee. Ten minutes." I said and then climbed off him and pulled him up again.

"Damn. I thought this was gonna work." he joked and giggled.

"Well, stop thinking then." I told him and then went for the kitchen but Gerard stopped me by grabbing my arm and whirling me around to face him again.

He bit his lip and stared at me sheepishly.

"What?" I asked suspiciously.

"Can...can I, uhm, borrow one of your hoodies? I...I forgot to take another one with me." he explained and blushed, flashing me a shy smile.

"Sure." I shrugged and pointed to the closet opposite my bed. "Chose one." I told him.

"But you could also have a t-shirt if you want? I mean it looks like it's gonna be pretty warm today." I added when I noticed that the sun was shining brightly through my windows into my room.

"Uhm...no it's...I mean...I-I'll take a hoodie. Thanks, Bert." he stuttered, then pulled a random black hoodie out of my wardrobe and gave me a soft peck on my lips before he hurried past me into the bathroom.

His reaction kind of reminded me of something that Bob brought up during our conversation in the park a few days ago.

> _Never considered that maybe, just maybe, he tries to hide something beneath his sleeves? Something like scars? Cuts?_ <

I shook my head at that thought.

Why am I even thinking about that?

It's just some fucking fashion statement that some immature, stupid kids at our school use to get attention. Their lives must be pretty boring and uneventful. Their lives must be too monotonous and awfully boring.

But Gerard isn't a pathetic fuckwit like them, right?

I decided to ban this thought from my mind and then walked into the kitchen where I grabbed a cold beer out of the fridge, opened it and literally emptied it at one gulp.

I didn't even realise I was that thursty until the bottle was empty again.

What of luck I don't live in my parents' house anymore. Hell, they would definitely murder me if they found out about me drinking alcohol all the time, doing drugs and smoking and shit. They probably wouldn't even care that killing someone is a crime which would get them into prison.

I wouldn't go to school either but my parents still pay for _my_ house and everything and my teachers would immediately inform my parents about my absence and then I'd have to move back into their shitty hell-hole of a house. And living alone is so much better so I have no other choice but to drag myself into that "house of torture" five days a week.

 

 

 

When Gerard finally entered the kitchen, his hair still soaking wet from showering, I offered him a beer which he gratefully accepted.

I glanced at the clock above the kitchen door frame and noticed that we still had about seven minutes until we'd have to get going.

"Do you wanna eat something?" I asked Gerard while I poured myself a bowl of cereal.

"Uh. No thanks." he answered beore he took another huge sip of his now almost empty beer.

But then his stomach decided to speak for him. If I wouldn't have known that that noise came from Gerard's stomach I probably would have thought that this was the scariest shit ever.

"Dude, your stomach obviously doesn't approve to your decision." I teased.

Gerard remained silent and decided to stare holes into the ground or something which made me fairly suspicious.

"When was the last time you ate something?" I asked earnestly.

"Yesterday." he answered quickly.

"Pills don't count." I said in probably the most serious tone ever which caused him to stare at the ground again.

"Are you starving?" I asked worriedly. Gerard only shook his head hesitantly.

I sighed defeated and threw my hands helplessly in the air. I don't want to push the matter now.

Then I fumbled around in one of the drawers of my kitchen counter. When I found what I was looking for I turned back around to Gerard and held my hand out for him.

"Chill pill?" I asked nonchalantly, presenting him a red pill and a blue one. He looked at me in confusion.

"Before school?" he breathed nervously.

"How do you think do I survive this torture without falling asleep or even dying?" I joked. "Chose one." I suggested and Gerard finally decided for the blue one.

Then we made our way to school, meeting Mikey, Ray and Frank half-way.

 

 

 

"Do you think they're gonna notice that we're high?" Gerard whispered happily into my ear and quietly giggled.

"I don't think so." I answered. "They never noticed when I was high which, by the way, I am about 24/7, plus these pills don't do all that much." I reassured him.

"Well, I knew you were high all along." Gerard laughed and earned curious glances from Ray, Mikey and Frank. Oh shoot, what of luck they have no clue what we're talking about.

When we arrived at school we met Bob, Brian and Mark outside at the big oak tree.

We all went up to them to greet them. Except Gerard. He decided to stay behind and panic over the new dudes which was somewhat cute but also really funny.

"They don't bite, Gee." I said. "Unless you want them to." I added and laughed but Gerard just stayed where he was like he was glued to the ground or something.

Then he let his gaze drop to the ground.

I sighed, walked over to Gerard, grabbed his hand again and pulled him, along with myself, back to the others.

While Bob, Mark and Brian introduced themselves to Gerard, he just nodded shyly but didn't say a single word.

I sighed, damn I'm doing a lot of sighing today, and then we all continued walking towards the school building.

I still didn't let go of Gerard's hand though so our fingers were still linked even as we entered the classroom.

First two periods: math.

I was honestly slightly surprised that Gerard didn't seem to give a damn that we all entered the classroom together and that we were still holding hands.

Usually he would have stayed behind and entered the room later.

 

 

 

But before I could waste any more thoughts on this one the jocks decided to show off some more of their stupidity.

One of them stepped dangerously close to me - to get this straight: not dangerous for me but dangerous for him - and snarled "Ooh. Did little Bert turn gay for that faggot here?" Then he shoved Gerard back.

Gerard obviously got the point immediately and dropped my hand like it burnt him.

"So what?" I hissed annoyed and put my arm around Gerard's shoulders and pulled him a little closer. Gerard looked genuinely frightened.

"You know there'll be no mercy for you either, right? You're gonna get as much shit as your little faggot-boyfriend over here. I mean just look at that little failure." he snapped and then spat at Gerard and shoved him back once more, causing him so slip out of my arm. Then Gerard tripped and fell.

I pulled my arm back and pushed that skunk away. Enough is enough. I have no sympathy for homophobic assholes, especially when they shove Gerard around. Not at-fucking-all.

"What? Are you trying to scare me, dimwit? Well here are some news for you," I started and stared directly into that asshole's eyes. I'm so ready to beat the living shit out of that fuckwit.

"You can't scare me, you prick." I spat and then shoved him back once more.

"And you're not gonna lay a hand on Gerard or anyone of my friends ever again or I'll break every single one of your fucking bones." I added viciously. I probably sounded as furious as I hoped I would. When the shocked expression on that jock's face was a hint.

He didn't say another word so I thought I had made my point clear and turned around to face my friends again but then that idiot yelled "You fucking faggot think you can shove me around like that? You must be a fucking lunatic." and with that I whirled around and smashed my fist into his face over and over again until he fell to the ground and whined in pain.

I would have jumped onto him and continued beating the hell out of that douchebag but a few hands, which turned out to belong to Ray and Frank, pulled me back and kept me away from him.

"Bert, calm the fuck down." I heard Frank say.

"He's not worth it anyway. Fuck that idiot." Ray added.

I took a deep breath. They're right. That asshole is not worth my time though I really hope I, at least, broke his fucking nose.

Ray and Frank let go of me when they figured out that I calmed down again.

I looked down at that smart-ass who just got to know my fist. Over and over again.

There was blood spilling from his nose and his lip. He also clutched his hands to his head.

"Is that all you got?" he choked out between breaths and I could feel the anger rising in me again. Immediately.

"You got a deathwish down there, buddy?" I hissed before I crouched down beside him.

"Anytime, any place, fucker." I warned him and then got back to my feet.

It was just now that I noticed that everyone was staring at me in shock. Eyes wide, faces pale and jaws dropped to the floor. Even Gerard went pale, I mean paler than before and Mikey whispered something into his ear. The rest of my friends just stared at me in shock but also kind of amused. I could see that Frank was struggling to keep the laughter inside.

I looked around, amused by the looks on everyone's faces, and realised that our math teacher, Mr. Sherwood, wasn't here yet.

I walked over to Gerard, demonstratively grabbed his hand and then we all made our way back to our seats.

Frank simply high-fived me and smiled at me before I sat down in front of him and Gerard.

When Mr. Sherwood arrived he didn't even say anything about the jock's demolished face which was somewhat funny.

Then I remembered that we're writing a math test today.

Well fuck.

 

 

 

The time until lunch time flew by pretty fast. I mean faster than expected.

And today was the first time ever that we weren't only four people at our lunch table but we were eight.

Yeah, right. Ray, Mikey, Bob, Brian, Mark, Frank, Gerard and I spent lunch time together.

It was actually pretty cool having so many people around.

But after all it still wasn't that much of a change.

Ray, Bob, Brian, Mark and Mikey were ranting about comic books and video games.

Frank was eating a sandwich, Gerard stared at his hands and I watched Gerard. Not in a creepy way though but because of the fact that he's still as pale as this morning. I mean everyone else was wearing a t-shirt and I could tell we were all feeling like we're being cooked or something, the sun burns down as if it was Satan himself, but Gerard wore a black hoodie and didn't even pull his sleeves up.

"Gee, are you alright?" I asked worriedly. And with that question I obviously captured Frank's attention as well as Gerard's. I noticed that Frank was now looking at Gerard as well. And Frank looked pretty worried too. Good, so I'm not the only one.

"I'm fine." he insisted but I didn't believe him. It was so obvious that he was lying, he didn't even look up.

 

 

 

But before I could argue, someone grabbed me and violently pulled me off the bench so I fell onto the ground.

I saw everyone else jumping to their feet and assembling around me. Except Gerard, he just started at the assholes that pulled me off the bench. His facial expression was pure shock and fear.

I got back to my feet as well, adjusted my clothes and then pushed myself throught the human wall that my friends built around me.

I saw the group of assholes, whose "master asshole" met my fist this morning, and I can tell they looked really pissed.

I felt my body tensing up again and I balled my hands to fists. My anger was rising so fast that I had to control myself really hard to not break their skulls.

"What?" I spat viciously.

"You wanted to pick up a fight this morning, you dwarf?" the tall, blonde guy in front of me started "You can have your fight now." he finished and immediately grabbed the collar of my shirt with one hand and then smacked his fist against the side of my face with such force that it sent my head snapping to the side.

Before he could hit me twice I kicked him in the balls with as much power as I could affort and caused him to finally let go of me again and to go on the ground.

Then I jumped on top of him and started punching his face several times. He pissed me off so now he's gonna suffer real pain.

There were several hands which were trying to pull me off him but I just wriggled away and continued beating the hell out of that guy.

That cunt started the fight and I'm going to end it. I'll make him wish he'd never fucked with me.

I could already see blood spilling from his nose, his lips and his mouth and he had trouble with breathing but I didn't care and his friends obviously didn't care either. They just stayed back and watched the fight like they were frozen or something.

I put all my strength into every punch hoping that I'll break his nose and maybe some of his oh-so-perfect teeth.

It was just now that I realised that another pair of hands grabbed me and tried to pull me back.

I quickly turned around, with all the hate that built up inside of me, and accidently punched that someone that was trying to pull me off in the face.

 

 

 

There was a moment of silence. All my friends were staring at me in pure shock. All their eyes were on me. Except Gerard's.

Gerard stared at the ground while his right hand covered his right eye and cheek. He was also shaking and then a quiet sob escaped his throat.

Shit.

"Gerard, fuck. I-I'm sorry I didn't mean to-" but before I could finish my apology Gerard cut me off with a "Whatever." and then walked away as fast as he could.

Frank ran after Gerard while the rest continued staring at me and making me feel even guiltier than before.

"Guys, you don't seriously think I hit him on purpose, do you?" I asked nervously but they remained silent.

"Honestly. I didn't mean to hit him. It was an accident." I insisted.

"You just punched my brother. In the face." Mikey sizzled and I swear I could _smell_ the wrath.

"I told you it was a fucking accident! I fucking _swear_ I never meant to hit him. Fuck, guys, c'mon. Why should I hit him on purpose?" I insisted and probably sounded quite desperate, which I was.

This is not good. Not good at all.


	12. Gerard's POV

Okay, maybe I overreacted a little bit. I know Bert didn’t hit me on purpose and I’m used to getting beaten up anyways but my face hurt like hell and I just wanted to go to the bathroom to check whether if my face already looked as bad as it felt or not.

On my way to the school’s bathroom I bumped into a few people who then insulted me like I didn’t even apologize for it. Ignorant cunts.

After what felt like an eternity of wandering through the school hallway with my head ducked and accidently running into other people I finally reached the toilets. Why do schools have to be this fucking huge anyway?

I quickly pushed the door handle down and stormed into the bathroom. And with all the luck I’ve obviously achieved along the way, of course, I accidently bumped into the dude who has been beaten up my Bert this morning.

He turned around, grabbed me by the collar of my hoodie and smashed me against the wall. As my back hit the wall I couldn’t help but let out a pained yelp. Then my legs gave in and I fell to the ground.

“You little shit, who do you think you are?” he scoffed and then pulled me up and pressed me against the wall again while his friend just laughed his balls off.

“Fucking apologize, faggot.” He hissed but I remained silent. Why should I apologize for something that wasn’t exactly my fault, neither did I do it on purpose.

Then he slapped me with a force that sent my head snipping to the side. To my disadvantage he slapped the right part of my face, which was the one Bert’s fist smashed into a few minutes ago.

My face feels like it’s pounding and burning.

Why do some people always feel the need to beat the hell out of others? Violence is shit. Why can’t they just talk it out or something?

“You’re trying to be tough or something, dipshit?” he snarled and then hit me again. While he did so he let go of me and I took the chance to try to get away from him. Unfortunately, I wasn’t fast enough so his friend grasped the hem of my hoodie and dragged me back violently, causing me to stumble and fall to the ground again.

“Look at him! What a fucking weakling.” His friend laughed and then kicked me in the ribs which caused me to cough hard and I _swear_ I could taste blood in my mouth already. Now my face _and_ my stomach hurt like motherfuckers _and_ my vision went blurry as hell all of a sudden. Fuck.

“Hey! Get the fuck away from Gerard!” I heard a voice yell angrily, the voice definitely didn’t belong to Bert, while someone pushed himself between me and the jock’s friend. I looked up and noticed it was Frank standing in front of me.

Even though my vision was blurry, partly because of the tears in my eyes but mostly because of the immense pain shooting through my whole body, I could never not notice Frank’s perfect frame.

“Or what?” jock’s friend asked spiteful.

I sat up quickly even though it was hard for me to breathe and looked directly at Frank. These knob-heads are going to beat the living hell out of Frank.

“Frank, leave!” I yelled and then coughed uncontrollably.

“You shut the fuck up down there.” jock’s friend warned me before he pushed Frank aside and then dragged me to my feet violently and knocked me against the wall for the third time.

“Hey, you fuckwit! I told you to get your hands off of him!” I heard Frank scream furiously before he pulled that guy away from me and almost caused him to fall.

Even though I slid down the wall like all my energy, all my strength, just left my body I couldn’t help but be a hell of a lot impressed by Frank’s strength. He pulled that asshole away like he was nothing.

“Is little Gerard always hiding behind his friends?” jock #1 asked me viciously. When he realized that I wasn’t going to answer him he screamed “Fucking answer, faggot.” and if he was a comic character I swear there would have been smoke coming out of his ears and his nose and his head would turn red and explode.

“Just fuck off already.” I finally managed to choke out. Fuck. I can barely breathe right now, seriously, I don’t think I’m currently getting enough oxygen.

“Pathetic.” jock’s friend laughed and then they both left the bathroom, laughing like they just witnessed the funniest joke of all time

As soon as they were gone Frank immediately dropped to his knees beside me.

“Fuck. Gee, are you alright?” he asked nervously and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was genuinely worried and terrified.

“I can barely breathe.” I started, took a deep breath – which I regretted immediately due to the immense pain that shot through my stomach by doing so – and then continued “and I’m tasting blood. I feel like I’m about to pass out.” I finished.

“Damn. Can you get up?” he asked anxiously while he got back to his feet himself.

I tried to get up and succeeded but Frank obviously noticed that my body, especially my legs, were shaking like crazy because he put my arm around his shoulders, holding on to my wrist and slipped his other arm around my waist, attempting to steady me.

Then he walked me to the school’s nurse.

 

 

 

“What happened to you?” the nurse asked while she filled in some paper sheets.

“He…“ – “I tripped and fell down the stairs.” I lied, cutting Frank off before he was able to explain what really happened.

Frank shot me a confused glare but didn’t say anything about it. Though I knew that the nurse didn’t believe me she obviously didn’t want to push the matter either.

“Watch your feet. Mr. Way, you take your friend with you in case you pass out on the way home, do you understand me?” She mumbled and then handed Frank the two paper sheets she just filled in. I nodded.

“You can leave now.” She said and then we left.

The line “in case you pass out” didn’t make me feel much more comfortable at this precise moment but who am I to complain about spending the day with Frank?

I probably shouldn’t be thinking like this, right? Bert would kill me if he knew. Good thing he can’t read minds, can he?

 

“Why didn’t you tell her what happened?” Frank asked while we were walking through the hallway, Frank still having a hold on me.

“Because of reasons.” I shrugged.

“Gerard.” He demanded “tell me.”

“Well, I’m not going to go around bragging about how I’ve been beaten up.” I snapped though I know that he didn’t deserve to be snapped at.

“It has nothing to do with bragging. The hell, Gerard? She could have told the principal about this incident and get those jerks suspended at least for a week.” Frank mentioned.

“Yeah and then they’d come back and murder me for getting them suspended.” I insisted stubbornly.

Frank didn’t say anything else after that. I think he might be slightly annoyed by my stupidity and uselessness.

 

 

 

Frank and I met Bert and the rest of our friends outside near the oak tree. As soon as they all recognized Frank and me they came running to us.

“Oh my god, what happened?” they all blurted in unison. I couldn’t help but smile at that.

“The dude you punched this morning” Frank exclaimed angrily and fixed his gaze on Bert while he absent-mindedly tightened his grip on my wrist and around my waist. “He wanted to get his revenge on Gerard.” Frank spat furiously.

“Don’t blame me for what that asshole did to Gerard.” Bert defended himself but with just as much venom in his voice as Frank.

“Don’t start another fight.” Brian interrupted and carefully pulled Bert back a little bit. Just in case.

“Where are you going now?” Bob asked curiously, casually changing the theme.

“I’ll bring him home.” Frank answered before I could say anything.

“But I’m not going home.” I protested. “I can’t face my parents like…this.”

“But they’re going to see the bruises anyway. Sooner or later.” Mikey insisted.

“Not if you tell them that I’m going to stay with Bert for a while.” I suggested and looked pleadingly at Bert, noticing a sheepish grin flashing over Bert’s face at the thought of all the possibilities we’d have. I’m just kidding. I don’t know what he was thinking about while he smiled like this.

“I wouldn’t mind.” Bert shrugged and started digging through his backpack for his keys.

“Fine.” Mikey sighed defeated.

“Why is Frank coming with you though?” Bert asked curiously while he held out the keys for me to grab.

“Because the school’s nurse told him to.” I answered as I took the keys from Bert.

“Alright.” Bert mumbled groggily in response to which I just rolled my eyes.

“Bert, c’mon, we’ve got to go. Lunch time is almost over.” Mark informed him. Bert looked around noticing that everyone else collected their stuff and that they were waiting for Bert to do the same so they wouldn’t be late for the next period.

Bert quickly grabbed his junk, gave me a chaste but sweet kiss and then they all went off.

“Oh, and Frank?” Bert started after he stopped right next to Frank “Can you keep an eye on Gerard until I get home? I’ve got to take care of some...business after school.” Bert explained.

“Bert, I’m seventeen. I don’t need a babysitter.” I groaned.

“Alright.” Frank agreed to Bert’s suggestion.

“Thanks.” Bert smirked, flashed us a smile and ruffled through my hair before he hurried after Mikey, Ray, Bob, Brian and Mark.

 

 

“You don’t have to waste your day babysitting me.” I reassured Frank while we started making our way to Bert’s house. Frank was _still_ holding on to me tightly.

“Like I’d mind spending my time with you.” He shrugged but didn’t sound quite happy about it either.

“You can leave whenever you want. I can take care of myself.” I remarked but I think we both knew that the last part was a lie. I can’t even convince myself that I’d be able to do that. I mean, I can’t go a day without getting into any kind of trouble.

“What if I told you that I’m going to stay with you anyway because I actually enjoy being around you?” Frank rejoined and smiled bright at me. That perfect smile.

“I’d say I enjoy being with you, too.” I confessed truthfully and couldn’t help but smile back at him.

 

 

“Can I ask you something?” he asked, breaking the silence that fell a few minutes ago.

“Shoot.” I confirmed.

“Why didn’t you fight back? Why did you just…let it happen? Why did you just let them treat you like that and didn’t do anything about it? You didn’t even make a sound or anything to maybe capture someone’s attention.” He reported.

“I hate violence.” I confessed. Damn, I don’t even know it myself. There’s no explanation for it. Maybe I’m just too tired of all this shit or maybe I really got used to it by now. I don’t know. Besides, why would anyone voluntarily help me?

“But sometimes it’s necessary. I mean it would have been in that case.” Frank fumed.

“No, it’s fucking not. Violence is shit. It only makes things worse. If I’d fight  back they’d only fight harder. It’s a never ending cycle.” I snapped.

“We won’t always be able to be around and watch after you and save your ass, Gerard, you’ve got to learn to fight for your own.” Frank commanded earnestly.

“So what? I never asked you for your help, neither did I ask Bert to beat the living shit out of basically everyone that passes us. I didn’t ask for anyone’s help.” I sneered.

After that we continued walking in silence again which made me feel worse than before. I bet I really pissed him off now. I should write a book and name it “How to piss off everyone around you in no time”.

I’m a fucking failure. Why do I keep freaking him out? Why can’t I just keep my fucking mouth shut for once? I hate it when Frank is mad at me. I don’t want him to be angry with me.

 

 

 

By the time we reached Bert’s house we were still clutched together even though my body wasn’t shaking anymore, it still hurt though, and I could breathe relatively normal again, despite that I couldn’t breathe in too deep without any pain shooting through my chest.

I could also see clearly again and the taste of blood in my mouth faded as well.

I fumbled around with the keys until I finally managed to unlock the door and then I stepped inside along with Frank.

“Sit down on the couch and I’ll get you ice or some shit to cool your face.” He dictated and then went into the kitchen.

I did what I was told and turned on the TV while I was waiting for Frank to join me. I mindlessly zapped through the channels, soon realizing that there’s nothing interesting anywhere to find.

“Here put this on your face.” Frank ordered, sat down next to me and handed me a bag of frozen peas which was about the size of both my hands.

“Yes, mom.” I joked while I lightly pressed the frozen peas against the right side of my face. Fuck that’s cold.

“Can you put on a movie or something? There’s only boring crap on TV right now.” I explained Frank.

He stood up with a “Sure” and pulled a random DVD out of the shelf next to the TV and played it, not even glancing at it to eventually see which one he chose. Then he sat down next to me again.

“Which one did you choose?” I asked curiously.

“I don’t know. Just picked one and put it on.” He shrugged.

The movie wasn’t even on for two minutes when I realized it was “Dirty Dancing? You picked Dirty Dancing?” I chuckled but almost instantly stopped giggling again due to the motherfucking pain it caused in my chest and stomach.

“Told you I just put on a random one.” Frank snickered “Why does Bert even own that one?” he added laughing.

“Hell, I don’t know. Can you put on another movie?” I requested.

“No. I just made myself comfortable on the couch. Guess we’ll have to watch this now.” Frank remarked but didn’t quite succeed at keeping the amusement out of his voice. I just groaned in response.

 

 

 

“I’ll order pizza.” Frank spoke sometime in the middle of the film. I’m glad he actually said something because I was about to fall asleep, or possibly die of boredom.

“Which one do you want?” he asked me when he returned from the kitchen, holding a flyer with various kinds of pizza in one hand and his cell - phone in his other hand.

“I’m not hungry, thanks.” I lied.

“Yes you are. Bert sent me a SMS saying that he wants me to get some food into you since you didn’t eat anything yet.” Frank insisted and basically shoved the pizza flyer into my hands.

“I’m not hungry.” I repeated.

“I’m going to shove the food down your throat when you’re asleep if I have to.” He only half – joked.

“I could choke and die.” I told him.

“I see no other way of getting the food into your stomach if you keep refusing to eat by yourself. But I’ll be careful so you won’t die.” He assured me.

I sighed defeated and told him to order the one with broccoli for me. He nodded and called the pizza guy who then supplied the pizzas about thirty minutes later.

 

 

Back on the couch in the living room I just stared at the food in front of me.

I can’t eat that. I just can’t. I will get fat, fatter than I already am and then even my friends will be disgusted by me. I can’t bring myself to eat that. Just think about all the fat and the calories. No.

“Eat.” Frank demanded after he practically inhaled one half of his own pizza before he noticed that I haven’t even touched mine yet.

 _No. I can’t._ I didn’t say.

“Eat. Now.” He repeated.

I slightly shook my head and closed my eyes, trying to fight the tears I could feel were welling up in my eyes.

“Do I have to feed you?” Frank sighed annoyed. I shook my head again but kept my eyes open this time.

Why doesn’t he understand that I can’t eat? Doesn’t he see how fat I am? Too fat? Is he blind?

“Then start eating now.” He ordered while he put the half – eaten slice of pizza in his hands back down to where he picked it up and then turned to face me. I guess there’s no chance that I am going to win this argument.

I picked up a slice of pizza and then took a bite of it. Then another one and then a third one.

I genuinely felt guilty for eating and it was actually kind of a struggle with myself to really chew and swallow the bites without spitting them out again. Though, this pizza is the best damn thing I’ve eaten in a while…and the only one.

Frank seemed satisfied after I ate the first piece of pizza so he turned away from me and continued eating his own.

After the second slice of pizza I felt like I was going to explode. I felt horribly sick and really guilty for eating anything at all. I felt miserable.

I felt like throwing up.

And guess what I did?

 

 

 

I stood up and walked towards the bathroom and cautiously glanced back at Frank to make sure he wasn’t following nor watching me for some reason.

I quickly entered the bathroom and locked the door behind me. I walked over to the toilet and shoved my finger down my throat causing myself to choke and then vomit. After I stopped retching my insides out I flushed the toilet and went to the sink to splatter some cold water on my face. Then I gargled with mouthwash and then simply stared at myself in the mirror above the sink.

I could already see the skin around my right eye changing color. This is going to be a horrible black eye.

I also noticed that there was a little cut about one and a half inch underneath said eye.

Then I automatically put my right hand onto my stomach realizing that, even after all these countless weeks I’ve been sticking to my diet, I was still fat. Nothing has changed.

Then I rolled up one of my sleeves, staring at the countless scars that showed up beneath them. I hate every single one of them. I hate myself. But I also deserve all of them. I deserve each and every single one. I know it. I’m disgusting.

I rolled my sleeve back down and turned back to staring at myself in the mirror. I’m ugly. So, so ugly.

I had to fight the urge to punch my reflection.

 

 

I walked back into the living room and was confronted with a disappointed looking Frank. I felt panic rising in my guts.

“Gerard, what the hell did you just do in there?” he asked.

“Had to pee.” I lied, feeling the panic growing stronger and stronger with each second that passed.

“Don’t lie to me.” He literally begged.

“Am not.” I insisted, feeling the panic becoming unbearable.

“Do you think I’m stupid?” he asked sadly. I frowned.

“N-No. Why would I think that? I think you’re smart.” I answered honestly.

“So why do you think that I didn’t hear your retching noises and shit? Why do you think that I don’t notice when you’re lying?” he asked full of consternation.

I didn’t answer, not sure of what to say. He caught me. He knows it. He just found out about one of the secrets I never wanted anyone to know about.

I instantly felt even worse than before. And even guiltier.

“You vomited on purpose, didn’t you?” he asked disappointed.

There’s no way I will be able to deny it anymore so I nodded guiltily.

"How long?" he asked me sadly. I looked at him in confusion.

"How long has this been going on? How long have you been starving yourself?" he asked miserably.

I just shrugged. I really don't know. I never counted the hours, day, weeks or months.

"I-I'm not starving." I mumbled but my voice was barely louder than a whisper.

"What is it then?" he questioned.

"It's...it's a diet. It's not starving. Starving would mean I'd have a problem. I don't have a problem." I tried to convince him. I'm not starving, it's a diet.

"Gerard _please_ don't deny it. You _do_ have a problem. _You just threw up on purpose._ " Frank exclaimed desperately.

I just shook my head. I'm not in the mood for explanations or anything. I don't have to defend myself.

“Is there anything else you want to tell me before I find it out on accident?” he asked and by the way his voice sounded I just _knew_ he was angry, and I mean really angry. And disappointed. I'm a disappointment. A failure.

I shook my head hesitantly. Tears were flowing down my cheeks like waterfalls now. Why do I keep lying to him?

“Fine.” He sighed and pulled on his shoes.

“I’m so sorry, Frank. I didn’t want you to find out. Especially not like this. _Please_ don’t go now.” I begged between my desperate sobs.

“Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t just get up and go now. You keep lying to me!” he wailed and then opened the door, looking back at me with a spark of hope in his eyes.

I just stood there unable to say anything, watching the sparks in his eyes fade.

“If there’s anything coming to your mind you want to let me know about before I find out about it myself, you know where to find me.” He stated tiredly before he left, shutting the door with more force than necessary.

 

I fucked up again.

 

Angry at myself, I stomped towards Bert’s bedroom again but came to a sudden halt in front of a mirror I was about to pass.

I looked at myself in the mirror again.

 _Did you finally get what you wanted?_ I heard an unfamiliar voice in my head say. _Did you get what you deserve? Are you happy now?_

Then I smashed my fist into my reflection, sending the shattered mirror pieces flying around in the room. Broken pieces scattered everywhere.

 

 

Now this mirror is broken. Just like me.

At least the monster in it is gone. The one that stared back at me. My reflection.


	13. Gerard's POV

While I was sleeping on the bed for fuck knows how long I heard footsteps in the corridor all of a sudden. Wait I don’t even remember climbing into the bed. Neither do I remember falling asleep in it. The last thing I remember doing after Frank left and after I broke the mirror is that I took one of its pieces to cut. A few cuts to punish myself for being such a useless asshole.

But anyways, I didn’t hear anyone entering the house. That’s weird. Guess I’ll better pretend to be asleep so in case it is a thief I’m save. If it’s a murderer, though, I’m screwed either way.

“The fuck happened here?” I heard an unfamiliar voice ask surprised. Okay that was definitely not Bert’s voice.

I heard someone coming closer to the bedroom and I swear my heart tried to jump out of my chest but I squeezed my eyes shut and let my hair fall into my face so it would seem as if I was asleep. I wish I was though. I’m still tired as all fuck.

“Bert! You’re boyfriend’s hand is bleeding all over your bed.” a second unfamiliar voice informed Bert and then I heard the footsteps fade again. Okay so there are two strangers in here who luckily didn’t plan on killing me and Bert must be somewhere too. And I’d bet my ass that he’s pissed at me for breaking his mirror. Damn. I’ll just keep pretending that I’m asleep. Maybe he lets me sleep and then forgets about it.

 

 

“Dan, go wake him up! I’ll search for a bandage or some shit. Jepha, can you start collecting the fragments?” Bert ordered.

“Dude, why do I get the most strenuous task? Why can’t Dan collect that shit?” the first unfamiliar voice wailed.

“Shut the fuck up, Jepha.” the second unfamiliar voice responded.

“Says the one whose task it is to wake someone up. Boohoo so stressful for you.” the first one complained.

“Dan! Jepha! You both better shut the hell up or you can kindly go fuck yourselves.” I heard Bert say and I could tell by his voice that he was annoyed.

 

 

Right after I perceived that conversation some asshole decided to jump onto me and then burst into laughter while I made a pained face due to the pain in my body that now became worse again. Thank you very much whoever the fuck you are. I kept my eyes closed, though. Maybe he didn’t notice the face I made so he still thinks I’m asleep and then he fucks off. Then that dickhead started bobbing up and down on top of me until I decided to give up. Fuck that asshole.

“Get off me!” I wailed with closed eyes. Yes I didn’t dare opening my eyes because I’d really like to drift off to sleep again. Sleep is awesome. No trouble, no pain, just darkness. And that dude can sincerely fuck off.

“Wake up!” he ordered and by his voice I could tell that he thought it was fucking hilarious to jump on other people and then bob on them.

“I am awake!” I insisted.

“So? Open your eyes then.” He demanded amused.

“No. Let me sleep.” I whined.

“Open your eyes.” He repeated with a more serious tone but he still sounded like this was some kind of super awesome joke. Like it was fun sitting on top of me and bobbing. Then he started shaking me.

“You’re bleeding all over the place.” He added. My eyes shot open. No, he can’t-

“W-What?” I asked him confused, hoping that my sleeves didn’t roll up by accident and are now exposing my arms.

“Your hand.”  He stated and pointed at my right hand. I looked at it. Right, I punched the mirror. That’s why I wanted to pretend to be asleep. Oh shit. Bert is going to be so, so mad at me.

“I’m Dan, by the way.” He introduced himself with a huge grin on his face, still sitting on top of me for no fucking reason at all.

“Gerard.” I answered nonchalantly and he continued smiling bright at me. I have to admit that he looks very handsome.

“Yo, Dan. I told you to wake him up not to fuck him.” Bert joked while he stepped to the side of the bed, holding a bandage in one hand and a slice of my broccoli pizza in his other hand.

“My boyfriend.” Bert exclaimed childishly while pointing at me with the slice of pizza and staring warningly into Dan’s eyes. He acts like he owns me.

“Aw, shit. Too bad.” Dan teased and then ruffled through my hair before he cautiously climbed off me again.

“Go help Jepha with the mirror fragments.” Bert ordered while rolling his eyes. Dan just groaned disapprovingly in response but went into the hall to help collecting the pieces anyway. I can’t help but like that guy. He seems to be somewhat like Bert. He’s funny and adorable in most ways. I just hope he’s not as aggressive as Bert. I bet Jepha is just like Dan.

As soon as Dan was gone Bert sat down next to me on the bed while I finally managed to sit up as well.

“May I ask you why you broke my mirror?” Bert asked me while he started wrapping the bandage around my right hand and wrist after he picked out a few pieces that were stuck in my hand and sprayed disinfectant on all the open cuts. Thank fuck I didn’t ever cut my right wrist yet otherwise I’d be really screwed now. Again. The rest of my right arm doesn’t look as perfectly clean as my right wrist though.

“I don’t know. I felt like punching something.” I shrugged though it was a lie. I know exactly why I punched that stupid thing. I wanted to get rid of that ugly, worthless fatty that was staring back at me. I didn’t want that fuck-up to stare at me. I didn’t want to be me. I still don’t want to be me. I don’t want to look like me. I don’t want to be anything like me. I want to be like one of my friends. They are all perfect.

“I’m sorry.” I added guiltily.

“It’s okay.” Bert answered and smiled warmly at me. That caught me off guard. I was expecting him to freak out on me or break my hand for all I know.

When he finished wrapping my hand in bandage he turned to look straight into my eyes and then leaned in and kissed me softly. His lips are slightly chapped but it still feels awesome.  Then he slid his freed hand behind my neck, since he’s still holding the slice of pizza in his other hand and then tangled his fingers into my hair and deepened the kiss. And it feels awesome. Not quite as awesome as it felt to kiss Frank a few days ago but…wait no, no, no. I really need to erase that memory from my mind. I can’t fucking think about kissing Frank when I’m kissing Bert. Shit. This needs to stop.

“Could you guys stop making out and help Dan and me clean that shit up? It’s your house Bert and I’m not your cleaner or some shit.” Jepha interrupted Bert’s and my making out session. After that Bert pulled away and turned around to look at Jepha.

“Jealous?” Bert teased, grabbing my unharmed hand and dragging me up along with him. Jepha just rolled his eyes and then looked at me.

“I’m Jepha.” He remarked as if I wouldn’t know that by now.

“I guessed.” I shrugged “Gerard.” I added and pointed with my right hand at myself and Jepha nodded.

“Alright. Let’s clean that crap up then.” Bert suggested and we all went into the hall to collect all the pieces and everything.

 

 

After what felt like a million hours of searching for even the littlest of shattered mirror pieces we all collapsed on the couch in the living room. Exhausted.

As Bert wanted to put on a random movie he noticed that there was Dirty Dancing in the DVD player.

“You watched Dirty Dancing with Frank?” he asked and burst out in laughter “Why did you watch Dirty Dancing?” he laughed.

“Better question: why do you _own_ Dirty Dancing?” I shot back and caused Jepha and Dan to burst out laughing as well. Bert stopped laughing and blushed furiously.

“Doesn’t matter. Another question: where did Frank even go? I told him to stay until I get home. But when I got home Frank wasn’t here anymore and you broke the mirror before you passed out on the bed.” Bert asked suspiciously. “The fuck happened?” he added curiously. Well I really hoped he wouldn’t ask me that question. I can’t tell him that I pissed Frank off. He’d want to know what Frank was so mad about and I can’t tell him what had happened.

“He had to go. He forgot he was having guitar lessons today.” I lied hoping that I’ve convinced him. To my advantage I did. He just nodded and put on a random horror flick. Then he switched the lights off for the effect, since it was already dark outside and horror movies are the best when watched in the dark, and then sat back next to me, slipping one of his arms around my waist. I took that as an invitation to cuddle closer to him and rest my head on his shoulder. I noticed that Jepha rested his legs on Dan’s lap for the whole movie. It looked kind of cute and I can’t deny that I was smiling at that. I’m weird. I don’t even know if they are gay or straight or bi but already imagine what a cute couple they’d be if they aren’t already.

 

During the whole film I couldn’t help but wonder how they got to know Bert. I mean Bert barely ever speaks to anyone except for Mikey, Ray, Frank and me. And lately he also talks to Brian, Bob and Mark. Plus, Bert seems to be pretty close to these two dudes. I wonder for how long they know each other already?

“Now comes my favorite part! It’s the one where that emo dude gets his head chopped off.” Bert interrupted my train of thoughts. Actually it was pretty cute how he sounded so proud and excited.

I still don’t quite get Bert, though, even after all these years that I’ve been friends with him now. Sometimes he’s that overly aggressive douchebag who only seems to be out for fights, then again he can be so cute and loving and then there are times where he sounds and acts like a little child. And making friends wasn’t ever easy for him since most people, at least at our school, were scared of him due to the fact that he likes to beat the crap out of others, and those who aren’t scared of him are the ones he doesn’t give a damn about and so he doesn’t bother talking to either of them. And then there are those people who simply can’t cope with Bert’s personality and sense of humor. It can be pretty confusing sometimes though I never had a real problem with him to begin with. I can tell we liked each other from the first time we hang out together. It’s about six years ago now when Ray, Mikey and I met Bert for the first time. He had moved to New Jersey during the summer holidays and happened to like being in the park just as much as we did. He casually walked over to us and started talking to us and that’s basically how we got to know him. He’s always been a little complicated to deal with from time to time but never really pissed anyone of us off. He’s actually been a really good and lovable friend ever since.

But unfortunately he has changed a lot since he’s been with Quinn. He’s been with Quinn for about two years when Quinn broke up with him. They broke up about three months ago. Quinn was the one introducing Bert to the drug-scene, kind of. And from then on it only got worse actually. Bert started doing drugs regularly and then started drinking and doing harder drugs. He became aggressive over the littlest shit, he even beat me up a few times back then, but I guess I was just at the wrong place at the wrong time, plus he was always high when he did that so I’m not really blaming him for that. He wasn’t himself back then. And there was a time where Quinn seemed to be the only one he knew. But when Quinn broke up with him Bert seemed to have realized who his real friends are and apologized for being such a dick to us for the whole time he’s been with Quinn. He also promised me that he’ll never do anything to hurt me again and that he’ll never beat me again. On purpose.

After their break up Bert was a mess. He used to barricade himself in his house, not talking to anyone for days, neither answering calls. Of course he didn’t bother going to school at that time either until his parents warned him that they wouldn’t pay for his house anymore if he wouldn’t go back to school. When he finally decided to go to school again Ray, Mikey and I did our best to be there for him and cheer him up no matter what. I think we did a good job with that, Bert’s been doing better with every day and when Frank moved here and joined our little group of friends it was even easier for us to make him feel better because Frank is like the ultimate prankster and he pulls some really awesome jokes most of the time but when it comes down to serious business he can also give a hell of a good advice and Frank never hesitated taking time to help anyone of us. Though, no one could convince Bert to stop doing drugs. But now that I’ve tried a few ones – pills and cocaine – I’ll have to admit that it’s not as bad as some people always say. It’s not good either because if a trip goes wrong I’ll be screwed, that much is true but hey, anything that keeps me from thinking about the bad things, right?

I feel like my life is just one huge test to find out what I am going to commit first: homicide or suicide. Since I don’t want to commit either of them, well at least not homicide because it’s a crime and would obviously get me into jail and I am highly aware of what they’d do to a guy like me in prison and I am more than sure that I don’t want that. On the other hand I want to die, nothing more than that lately, but then again I don’t think I’d have the balls for that.

 

 

When I was done reveling in memories the urge to ask the question on how they got to know each other was too big to not ask them, even though there was another guy that was about to be killed in the movie and I don’t think that this is the right time to ask something like ‘hey how did you guys even meet’ or something like that, despite the fact that Jepha and Dan looked genuinely bored, but my curiosity was becoming nearly unbearable. I waited until the dude in the movie was killed though, Bert still seemed to be so into the movie and stared at the TV screen in such excitement, it almost made him look like a little child. It was cute.

“How long do you guys know each other?” I asked curiously and obviously caught them all off guard. I think Dan even jumped a little since he probably didn’t expect me to say anything. I guess none of them did but oh well.

Bert just shrugged. “Quinn introduced me to them.” He answered nonchalantly.

“We are his dealers.” Dan added and caused Jepha to giggle for some reason.

“Oh.” I responded intelligently.

“It’s not like we only sell him drugs. We are also his friends. We’re doing ‘em together.” Jepha laughed and I nodded.

“We can be your drug sellers too if you want.” Dan literally _purred_ and I blushed.

“Dan, stop.” Bert said tensely.

“What?” he asked innocently.

“Don’t get him involved into all this too deep. I already got shit from Frank because of this.” Bert explained earnestly.

Wait. Frank gave Bert shit for letting me get high in the first place? Why would Frank do that? Why would he care? Well, I probably shouldn’t worry about this now anyway. By the way he marched out of the front door a few hours ago I can tell he’s really mad at me now. If he cared before he probably doesn’t anymore and I’m not going to bother thinking about this any further. I’ve got other things to worry about. For example the fact that I think I’m slowly falling for Frank. At the same time I _know_ I have feelings for Bert.

I don’t even quite know what it is about Frank that makes me want to spend every second of my time with him. I don’t know what it is that makes me want to go from innocently cuddling with him to making out with him. I should be thinking on doing all this with Bert not with Frank.

“Why did _you_ get shit from Frank for it? It was my decision after all.” I complained. Bert just shrugged.

“Can we stay over tonight?” Jepha suddenly asked.

“Sure.” Bert answered. “But one of you will have to sleep on the couch and the other one on a mattress or some shit because Gerard’s going to stay with me for a while and he’ll be sleeping in my bed.” Bert added and winked at me sheepishly.

“Oh by the way; can I ask you something?” Jepha started and looked questioningly at me.

“Sure.” I confirmed.

“Where did you get these massive bruises on your face? I mean your black eye looks bad but the other bruises look even worse.” Jepha asked.

“Got into a fight…sort of” I shrugged.

“Sort of?” Jepha pushed.

“Yeah well, I get shit at school for being the way I am every day. Sometimes these douchebags decide to stick to hurting me only verbally and other days they decide to beat the hell out of me for some reason.” I explained slightly annoyed. I didn’t want to explain myself simply because of the fact that they now know how much of a weakling I am. I can’t even defend myself.

“Why don’t you just fight back? Kick those assholes in the balls or something.” Dan shrugged.

“I hate violence.” I insisted and then Bert softly kissed my temple.

“I’d kick these guys’ asses instantly.” Dan remarked earnestly.

“Yeah, I’d beat the shit out of them.” Jepha agreed and to my fucking luck Bert engaged into this conversation as well.

“I’m definitely going to protect him from those fuck-faces from now on. If anyone dares to lay a hand on him I’m going to make said someone wish they never did.” Bert assured Dan and Jepha.

“Yeah, because beating the crap out of bullies makes you any better than them.” I stated annoyed, untangled myself from Bert’s grip and then darted up the stairs into the bedroom.

 

 

Awesome. So they all obviously think that violence is the answer. God I hate violent people, or at least I should I guess. I still can’t help but liking Dan and Jepha. And Bert, of course, he’s my best friend for about six years now and my boyfriend for almost a week now. I mean it is really cute, somehow, that they’d obviously voluntarily stand up for me but do they have to throw punches?

However, all I know for sure now is that I am tired as hell.

I collapsed on Bert’s bed and to my surprise I fell asleep almost instantly.


	14. Gerard's POV

I didn’t sleep well last night which made it even more stressful for me to cope with a hyperactive Dan and a hyper Jepha the next morning. They basically came _running_ into the bedroom, chanting “Wake up, guys.” all along. How can they be in such a good mood this early in the morning? How can _anyone_ be in such a good mood before ten anyway?

“Get up, guys!” Jepha yelled happily before he jumped onto Bert and started shaking him.

Dan mimicked Jepha and jumped onto me which didn’t quite improve the pain that was now rising in my stomach again in any way. God, I hate mornings.

I noticed that Bert was already struggling to possibly get Jepha off of him, or they were more like wrestling – in a playful way though – while they were both laughing their balls off, I was still way too sleep drunk to even move.

Then Dan poked my cheek and softly whispered “Wake up, honey” in my ear.

I couldn’t keep the smile off of my face at that and Dan obviously took that as an invitation to ruffle through my hair and then he started bouncing up and down on me again, like he did yesterday. Guess he thinks it’s funny to use me as some kind of trampoline. Or maybe he just likes sitting on other people.

“Daaaaaaaaaan!” I wailed, drawing out his name as long as possible.

“Yes, sir?” he joked with a fake British accent.

“Get off me.” I ordered. Dan pretended to think for a second before he answered.

“How about no.” he insisted, still faking an accent, and then grinned evilly. I didn’t have the time to think about why he smirked like that because he almost immediately started tickling me.

“S-St-Stop!” I babbled through my breaths but couldn’t stop laughing. Dan just laughed louder and continued poking my sides. Soon enough I felt exhausted and started panting, hoping that Dan would stop what he was doing. I’m sure that if he keeps this going for two more minutes my lungs are going to give in.

Luckily, at some point – to be more precise: when I thought I was going to pass out due to exhaustion – Jepha tackled Dan off of me and they both landed on the ground beside the bed with a loud thump. For a second I was worried that one of them may have hurt himself by landing rather graceless on the ground but they instantly burst out laughing like the hyperactive pot heads they currently were so I figured that they were alright.

Then Bert rolled over to his side and softly kissed my cheek. When I turned my attention away from the two lunatics on the floor and turned around to face Bert he cupped my face between his hands and kissed me sweetly.

“Morning.” Bert smiled after he broke the kiss.

“Morning.” I smiled back and quickly kissed his lips again before I got up.

“Guess you’ll need another one of my hoodies, huh?” Bert giggled as he looked me up and down. I am still wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday. Bert’s hoodie and my black skinny jeans.

“I guess.” I shrugged sheepishly.

Maybe this morning isn’t that horrible after all.

 

 

“Gerard, hurry up, man. We’ve only got five minutes left to meet with Mikes and everyone else at your house, dude!” I heard Bert yelling while I tried to cover my black eye and the bruises on my face with make – up.

“Chill out, Bert. You’re not the one with the demolished face.” I yelled back. God, my face looks like shit. Worse than ever, now, with all the bruises and shit. I really do not feel like going to school for the next couple of weeks. Fucking hell.

I jumped when Jepha suddenly busted the door open and stepped into the bathroom as well. I swear my heart just skipped a few beats.

“Gerard?”

“Holy _shit_. Never do that again. You scared the living shit out of me.” I breathed, still feeling my heart beat race like crazy.

“Sorry.” Jepha apologized smiling innocently but didn’t quite look like he was being honest.

“What do you want?” I asked as I turned back to the mirror to finish plastering my face with make – up. It feels awkward having something on my face but at least it looks decent now. At least I was able to cover most of the bruises.

“Uhm, Bert already left because he said you’re taking too long and he couldn’t afford getting into any more trouble or something like that. And he also said he’s going to tell Mikey and everyone else that you’re coming after.” Jepha informed me. I put the make – up down and stared at myself in the mirror for a moment before turning towards Jepha. I still look ridiculously horrible. Fuck. I hate my face. I literally hate everything about myself.

The worst about this probably is that nothing and nobody could ever change that.

“Why are you still here then? Aren’t you going to be late either?” I asked.

“Late for what?” he snorted.

“Uhm, school?” I answered. Jepha laughed.

“Why are you laughing?” I asked confused.

“Dude, fuck school. I haven’t been there in fucking ages. Neither have Dan nor Quinn.” he laughed. I’m seriously wondering about one thing now: why don’t they go to school anymore?

“Come on, man. We’ve gotta get going.” Jepha said while he grabbed my arm and my bag and then he dragged me downstairs. I almost fell down the stairs but Jepha caught me just in time. Thank fuck.

“ _We_?” I asked confused. Why did he say that _we_ have to get going?

“I’ll walk you to school, mate.” Jepha informed me.

“Well, then…why?” I asked while I put on my converse.

“Well, why not?” he shot back and winked at me. I just rolled my eyes before Jepha grabbed my arm again and pulled me, along with himself, out of the door.

 

 

While we were walking Jepha lit up what I thought was a cigarette, at first, but as soon as the wind blew the smoke into my direction I noticed that it was something else. It wasn’t normal smoke…it smelt…odd.

“What are you smoking?” I asked, curiousity getting the best of me.

“Weed.” He shrugged nonchalantly and then grinned at me.

“What? Why are you grinning at me like that?” I asked.

“You want a drag?” he smiled, passing the joint to me. I hesitated before I decided to drag a few times, inhaling the smoke as deep as possible, and then handing it back to Jepha who continued smiling at me.

I felt the effect of the drugs kick in almost immediately. Only a few minutes later I felt more relaxed, more comfortable, I genuinely felt _okay_. And I somehow could not stop smiling at nothing in particular.

 

 

By the time we were walking across the school’s parking lot I could already hear someone yelling something angrily. It took me a few seconds before I figured that the angry voice sounded a hell of a lot like Bert’s voice. Who would he be angry at?

As Jepha and I slowly approached them I could finally understand _what_ Bert was even yelling.

“You fucking midget did the fuck what? Explain that shit to me you fuckwit. How did _that_ happen?” Bert screamed infuriated.

“Holy shit. Calm the fuck down, Bert.” I recognized Frank’s voice. Wait. Frank?!

“I won’t calm the fuck down. I’ll rip your fucking head off, you bastard. Fuck you!” Bert continued.

“Fuck, Bert. Get your shit together. It was an accident.” Frank complained.

“Yeah right. That’s what I am going to make believe when I ripped your insides out, fucker. _An accident._ ” Bert screamed and I swear I could practically _smell_ the hate and wrath. What the hell is going on? Why are they insulting the living shit out of each other?

Without a second guess I grabbed Jepha’s arm and dragged him after me as I fastened my steps.

As we approached the scene I noticed that Bert was held back by Bob, Dan and Brian while Mark and Ray held back Frank and Mikey just stood in between Bert and Frank like he was frozen on the spot. A few other kids watched them with excitement about a possibly upcoming fight.

As soon as Mikey noticed Jepha and me walking up to them he came running towards us to stop us mid-way. He looked scared and pale, like he saw a ghost or something.

“Better don’t go there now.” Mikey warned me. He looked really anxious and something about the way he looked at me told me that he was _pleading_ for something. But what was he pleading for?

“What? Why? What the fuck is going on?” I snapped impatiently.

“I-…Bert…I mean. I-I’m so sorry, Gerard. I accidently told him before I could stop myself and now he knows. I’m so sorry!” Mikey explained, his facial expression pleading for me not to be mad with him. But how could I? After all, it is still me who fucked this up and I am the one who has to stand his ground for it. I am the one who has to pay for that, not Frank.

“Oh.” Was all I could say before I finally started walking towards where Bert and Frank are being separated from each other.

“Gerard, what are you doing?” Mikey asked anxiously while he desperately tried to get a hold on me to stop me. I stopped dead in the track and turned around to look at Mikey.

“It wasn’t Frank’s fault and I am going to tell Bert. I have to make that clear.” I stated earnestly before I peeled Mikey’s hands off of my shoulders and continued walking. Bert is going to fucking kill me cold heartedly when I tell him that it was _me_ who started the kiss. I kissed Frank first. The worst about that probably is that I _enjoyed_ the kiss. I _wanted_ to kiss Frank. I’m sure as hell not going to tell him that though.

 

 

“You…” Bert snarled at me as soon as he caught sight of me.

“Bert, listen…-“ I started but was cut off by Bert again.

“That fucking dwarf?” he started, pointing at Frank “that dwarf kissed you not even a day after _we_ kissed and shit and decided to give it a chance and you didn’t even fucking tell me?” Bert hissed. Seeing Bert this mad honestly scares me. He looks so…evil. Just from the look in his eyes; it’s crazy and scaring and just so full of hate and anger and aggression.

“No! Bert, it’s not his fault.” I found myself mumbling.

“What did you say?” he spat viciously.

“It is not Frank’s fault.” I repeated a little louder this time to which Bert’s eyes widened.

“What the fucking fuck do you mean?” he asked unbelievingly, crossing his arms in front of his chest. From the corner of my eye I could see Frank fumbling desperately with his hands, trying to signalize me to stop whatever I was going to do. I didn’t care. I ignored Frank’s quiet warnings.

“Bert, listen” I started calmly, trying to think of a way to tell him what happened without having him freaking out on me afterwards. Yes, I’m still hoping that I will be able to avoid the unavoidable.

“None of that is Frank’s fault –“

“You already said that.” Bert cut me off.

“Will you just fucking listen and let me explain or what?” I snapped slightly impatient.

“Sorry.” Bert mumbled.

While I took a deep breath I glanced around. My friends were all staring expectantly at me. The kids that previously hung around near us started to go back inside with the realization that there is not going to be a fight to watch. Some of them walked past me and I overheard them calling me ‘Killjoy’ and ‘moron’ and whatnot for stopping the fight before it had even fully started. But in all honesty, I currently couldn’t care less about their insulting attempts.

As soon as all the inquisitive kids were gone I focused my eyes back on Bert.

“I kissed Frank. It was my fault. I was high and drunk and didn’t know what I was doing. I’d bet my ass I took him by surprise. So, none of that is Frank’s fault. Don’t be mad at Frank; be mad at me because I am creditable for your anger.” I explained, feeling myself getting more nervous and more uncomfortable with each second that passed.

After I’ve made my statement I looked around a second time, noticing the shock on my friend’s faces. I looked behind me just to find Jepha and Mikey having the same look on their faces as the others. Then I finally had the courage to look at Bert and into his eyes again. His facial expression was a mixture of several emotions: wrath, sadness, confusion, shock but the worst is that he looks genuinely hurt. I didn’t realize that I’m that important to him that he feels like that about me in the first place. Or maybe I just hurt his ego, he surely couldn’t care this much about me. I don’t know.

Bert didn’t say anything in what felt like eternity. He just stared at me the way he did since I finished clarifying what had happened and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It felt like I was stuck in some kind of nightmare where my friends realize how much of a coward I am. A nightmare in which my friends all will turn their backs on me because of a mistake I made. The one where they’d just stare at me for forever and then disappear one after another, leaving me alone and desperate and broken.

I felt like someone was grabbing my throat and squeezing. Maybe I slightly overreacted but I felt worse with every second that Bert continued staring at me.  I’ve hurt him. And having him standing right in front of me with a look on his face like I just ripped out his heart and stabbed it a million times and him not saying a single word just made me feel worse with every second that passed.

“This is better than any movie in the world.” Jepha remarked excitedly, causing everyone but me and Bert to crack a smile.

“Damn right.” Dan agreed, smiling. Bert simply shot them a death glare, then looked back at me and took a step towards me so that the space that was left between us was only a few inches long.

Then his expression dropped. He didn’t look sad or hurt anymore, just angry.

“You did the fuck what?!” he snarled, his voice dripping with wrath. Well now I’m fucked.

“I’m sorry, Bert.” I repeated, ducking my head in shame.

“Yeah. That doesn’t undo your actions.” He hissed. “How the fuck do you expect me to _trust_ you when you can’t even stay faithful for twenty-four fucking hours?” he added angrily.

When I didn’t look up at him he added “Fucking look at me!” with such anger in his voice that would’ve scared the hell out of _everyone_. None of my friends dared speaking and neither did I. I slowly lifted my head back up and looked at him. He had this crazy look in his eyes once again.

“Bert...” Ray spoke up calmly “don’t you think you’re overreacting a little bit? I mean when it happened you weren’t even together for twenty-four hours, so it’s not really that much of a big deal.” Ray tried to convince Bert but just earned a dirty look for it. The second Bert opened his mouth to say something to me we heard the bell ringing, signalizing the beginning of the first period.

“Backup smoking spot. At the beginning of lunch time. And you _will_ be there, do you understand me?” Bert ordered, then shot me one last glare before he turned on his heels and walked inside.

 

 

When the bell rang, signalizing the start of lunch time, I felt like either throwing up or running away. Or both. I don’t know if it was because of the stuff I smoked with Jepha this morning or because of the anxiety that now started rising in my guts again.

While thinking about all the things that Bert would want to do to me once I reached the backup smoking spot I stuffed all my books into my bag and made my way to said smoking spot. He could just want to talk to me or maybe he could beat the living hell out of me for all I know.

 

 

 

When I arrived at the backup smoking spot I felt like my heart was going to explode. Bert was sitting on the ground with his back leaning against the wall, and he was smoking a joint. Now I know I’m fucked because whenever Bert is high there is a 100% chance that he is going to lose control. I know something bad is about to happen and I just want to run.

As soon as Bert noticed my presence, he took one last drag of his joint and flicked away what remained from it. He got up, dusted himself off and then focused his intense gaze on me. He didn’t look sad or hurt anymore. The only emotions that seemed to be left were anger and hate. He also had this crazy look in his eyes again which scared the living shit out of me.

“So” he started, his voice way too, eerily, calm for my liking “Tell me again how you thought that kissing Frank was a good idea.” He continued, his eyes never leaving mine.

“I never thought that it was a good idea.” I answered, guilt dripping from my voice.

“But still, you kissed him didn’t you?” Bert pressed whilst he took a few steps closer to me. My back was almost against the wall, and he was so close to my face that I could _smell_ the weed on his breath.

“Bert, I am fucking sorry, okay? I didn’t know what I was doing I was totally out of it, okay?” I tried to convince him, but only made him angrier.

“Yeah that still doesn’t fucking undo your actions.” Bert persisted, his voice starting to get louder and angrier. Before he was able to continue speaking I cut him off.

“Bert, I told you I am fucking sorry! I fucking know that doesn’t turn back time, and I _know_ I can’t fucking take back my-” Bert interrupted me by grabbing the collar of my hoodie and slamming me with my back against the wall. A pained yelp escaped my throat.

“I didn’t fucking allow you to speak, you bitch! So you better fucking listen!” Bert hissed viciously while he tightened his grip on my hoodie and pressed me against the wall as hard as he could.

“Now answer me one fucking question….” Bert continued after a few moments in the scary calm voice. I kept staring at him, shocked at how much this whole situation is out of control already.

“Did you _feel_ anything?” Bert asked. The look on his faces was hinting to me that it would only take one simple ‘ _yes_ ’ and he would totally lose it and perhaps murder me.

“No.” I lied, trying to keep my voice as steady as possible. I guess I didn’t keep it steady enough. He slapped me and caused my head to snap to the side.

He broke his promise to me.

“Don’t even dare lying to me.” Bert hissed, his voice dripping in wrath.

“You hit me.” Was all I could choke out while tears started pouring down my face like waterfalls. Not only because he broke his promise but also because I was scared shitless. My face started hurting again.

“Damn right. And I’m going to do it again if you don’t start being fucking honest with me.” He stated.

Not wanting to answer the question properly I tried to push him away from me but he just grabbed my wrists and pinned them against the wall on each side of my head. He didn’t even grab my wrists in a too rough way but I still flinched at the pain that shot through my arms, caused by the cuts which I hid under the sleeves of the hoodie.

“You’re hurting me.” I stated , my voice barely over a whisper by now.

“I didn’t even fucking start, yet. If you don’t fucking answer right now _then_ I will.” He snarled and let go of my wrists. My arms dropped to my sides and I hastily grabbed the ends of my sleeves.

“So did it fucking mean anything to you?” Bert repeated. I didn’t answer, instead I let my eyes drop to the ground.

“Fucking answer already!” Bert yelled and punched the wall just a few inches away from my head but I still didn’t. I raised my arm and was about to wipe a few tears away when Bert took the chance to grab my arms and pin them against the wall again. This time I couldn’t help but whimper in pain.

Suddenly Bert dropped my arms like they burned him.

“Show me your arms.” He demanded now. My eyes widened and my heart started beating faster.

“Why?” I asked even though I know exactly why.

Not even repeating the order, Bert grabbed my left arm and yanked the sleeve up before I even fully realized what was going on. After he stared at my cuts and scars for a few moments he took my other arm and yanked its sleeve up too, revealing more of my scars. A disgusted and hateful look was building up on his face and I started panicking. Then he slapped me and slammed me up against the wall again.

“What the fuck is _this_?” he hissed mischievously. When I didn’t answer he continued.

“This is fucking pathetic, Gerard. I would have _never_ thought that you’d be one of these attention seeking bastards like the ones at our school.” He scoffed and stepped back.

“You are fucking pathetic, Gerard!” he yelled angrily. Tears were floating down my cheeks once again.

“Yeah, just keep crying like the little baby you are.” Bert said.

“What the fuck is going on?!” Frank yelled as he appeared behind Bert and yanked him further away from me. My legs gave in and I sank to the floor, violently sobbing now.

“This pathetic whore.” Bert remarked, pointing at me and wriggling out of Frank’s grip.

“Don’t call Gerard something like that, you asswipe.” Frank replied angry.

“So? What are you going to do about it?” Bert scoffed and pushed Frank away. Then Frank obviously lost control himself and socked Bert right in the face.

“Have some fucking respect you midget.” Bert responded viciously.

“Assholes like you don’t deserve respect.” Frank answered angrily.

It was just now that I noticed that Jepha, Dan and Brian were making their way over to us as well.

“Guys stop it!” Jepha ordered as he stopped dead in the track right next to Frank.

“Get Bert away from Gerard, please.” Frank told the others and they dragged Bert away, not even bothering to ask why. Even though Bert struggled to get away he didn’t succeed.

 

  
  
When the others were out of our sight Frank turned around and sat down next to me. I quickly pulled down my sleeves again in an attempt to hide my arms from Frank but it was for no good. He’s already seen my cuts.

“You don’t need to hide them anymore.” Frank calmly confirmed me in the fact that he has already seen my arms. He softly grabbed my arm and cautiously pulled my sleeve up again. I didn’t bother trying to yank my arm away, instead I looked at him, expecting him to freak out like Bert just did. But he didn’t. He didn’t even look disgusted or the slightest angry.

His eyes welled up with tears and then he just hugged me, taking me by surprise when he did so and then I started crying again.

When I calmed down again Frank pulled away a little bit.

“Please don’t hate me.” I pleaded quietly, some tears still rolling down my cheeks.

“I could never hate you.” Frank replied.

“Why?!” I yelled unvoluntarily. I didn’t mean to raise my voice but I couldn’t help it.

“You should hate me!” I continued “I lied to you and said that there was nothing else when you asked me. And I never intended to tell you and now you just found out about it like this. You should be freaking out like Bert and you should hate me, why don’t you? I don’t get it! Why are you always like that?” I asked desperately.

“Like what?” he asked calmly.

“So nice and loving. Why are you always there for me? I don’t deserve any of this!” I sobbed.

“Is that why you’re doing this to yourself? Because you think you don’t deserve being loved?” he asked, putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling me a little closer.

“I’m doing it because I deserve it. I don’t deserve anything good. I am ugly and fat and worthless and just a waste of space.” I replied between my sobs.

“No you’re not.” Frank replied quietly.

“You don’t have to lie to me, Frank. I know it’s the truth.” I persisted, tears still staining my face.

 

“No it is not. Gerard…you aren’t ugly. You are so beautiful, in every single way.”


	15. Bert's POV

Not feeling the need to appear to my last two periods I called Jepha and Dan to meet me at the big oak tree near the school. No teacher ever even comes near this tree so it's the perfect place to spend time at when you're supposed to be at school.

Since neither Dan or Jepha had anything else to do, except for taking over my house, I didn't have to wait long for them to make their appearance at said tree.

"What's up, mate?" Jepha greeted me with such a huge grin across his face that it almost had me worrying that his face might split in half within the next few seconds.

"How come you're not in school?" was Dan's way of greeting me for the second time today. Rather ignoring Dan's question I immediately cut to the point of why I told them to meet me here.

"You're probably wondering why I told you to meet me now." I started but before I could continue Dan cut me off.

"Nah, not really, dude." Dan confessed, passing me the joint he was dragging at just a few seconds ago.

"Anyways" I continued after I cleared my throat in an attempt to signalize Dan to shut up and listen.

"I need your guys' help." I said, watching their expressions closely but their faces were just stoned blank.

"For what?" Jepha questioned curiously.

"I need to get Gerard alone after school is over because I wasn't done with him when-"

"I'm not sure if I like where this is going." Jepha cut me off mid-sentence.

"Then how about you shut your mouth and listen." I suggested, rolling my eyes annoyed and waiting a few seconds to make sure he really will keep quiet. He did. Before continuing my plan I glanced at Dan who looked kind of uncomfortable by now but I couldn't care less at this exact moment.

"I wasn't done with Gerard when you guys dragged me away from him and Frank, so I just want to...talk to him again." I paused a few seconds to see if they wanted to say something but they didn't so I continued.

"But Frank is probably going to play Gerard's saint patron so I need you two to capture Frank's attention and somehow get him away from Gerard and me. Or at least take his attention off of Gerard so I can pull Gerard away a little further and talk to him alone." I explained.

"I don't think this is a good idea." Dan blurted almost immediately.

"Why?" I asked and couldn't help but let out an annoyed sigh before I took another drag of the joint.

"Because" Dan started "you totally freaked out on Gerard before and we basically saved his ass from getting beaten up by pulling you away." Dan explained.

"Dan's got a point." Jepha agreed "Fuck only knows what else you'd have done to that kid." Jepha added and at that point I already was more annoyed than I planned to be. I took a deep breath and another drag from the joint to calm myself and my nerves down a little bit again. Just the calm before the storm, right?

"Will you guys help me now or not?" I asked but they kept quiet and instead of answering looked at each other.

"I really just want to talk to him to find out where we stand and how we will go on now." I lied, faking my calmness just good enough to convince them.

I didn't lie completely actually. I only half lied. If Gerard can convince me that something like that won't happen again I probably won't be too hard with him. But after all he still cheated on me, probably aware of how I would react to that. And he still had a hell of a lot to explain to me. For example when he made the pathetic decision to cut and become an attention seeker like a bunch of other kids at our school. I really thought he was better than that.

"Alright." Dan and Jepha sighed in unison after a few moments of overthinking it again and again, much to my satisfaction.

"Thanks guys." I replied and took a last drag of  the joint before passing it to Jepha.

 

 

"What if he wants to break up with you after what you've done to him at lunch?" Jepha suddenly spoke up.

"Oh, he won't break up with me." I emphasized. He is so not going to break up with me. I have my ways. I will make sure of that.

"What makes you so sure about it?" Jepha complained.

"I mean you made him tear up like a baby. He could break up with you and get together with that Frank kid for all I know. I mean it was pretty obvious that there's more than friendship between them, don't you think?" Jepha added and made my stomach twist and my heart ache at the thought of that.

"Does Gerard know about Frank's feelings for him?" Dan pressed.

"No!" I hissed, wanting the running theme to change as quick as possible.

Before either of us could say anything else we heard the bell ringing, signalizing the end of another school day.

"Lets go get them!" I ordered somewhat cheerfully and dragged them both after me.

We arrived in front of the school just in time to see Frank and Gerard pouring out of the building along with everyone else. I also noticed a few jocks coming up from behind Gerard and Frank, shoving Gerard as they walk past him. This made me want to punch them all in the face once again.

Dan and Jepha quickly walked up to Frank and Gerard and got Frank involved into a conversation of god knows what about in almost no time.

Gerard with his non-existant self-esteem stood a few feet away from them and looked rather lost than interested in the conversation.

That is my chance. I hurried over to Gerard.

 

 

I grabbed Gerard's wrist as quickly as I could and dragged him to an alley behind the school. He didn't make a single sound. Good boy.

While we were walking I glanced at Gerard.

He looked genuinely terrified. Good. Lets keep it that way.

When we arrived at the alley I let go of Gerard's wrist and turned around to face him.

"Hey Gerard...we never got to finish our...uhm...little chat." I said, keeping my voice steady and calm even though I was still fucking pissed off at the little slut.

I noticed that he was shaking, yet there was this tiny fire in his eyes.

"Bert, listen." he started, visibly horrified of the whole situation "I'm sorry for kissing Frank, okay? You are just going to have to believe me for once." he paused and took a deep breath, gaining a tiny bit of confidence.

"And look...I'm really sorry that I hurt you and you are...awesome and we've been best friends for six years" he paused again, observing my expression cautiously but I didn't let any emotions show so he continued.

"But we don't work out as boyfriends so we should end it. It's over. We're done." he informed me.

Oh hell no.

 

 

When the realization of what Gerard just said fully hit me I started to see red.

As Gerard turned on his heels to leave me I grabbed him by his shoulder, whipped him around and slammed him against the wall, not letting go of his shoulders.

The tiny fire in his eyes died the second his eyes met my furious ones. He is not leaving me.

"Listen here, you pathetic little shit! You are _not_ leaving me until I say so or there will be consequences, and you don't want that do you?" I hissed, not touching him anywhere except for tightening my grip on his shoulders which caused him to let out a quiet, pained yelp.

His eyes grew wide with anxiety but he tried to shove me away nonetheless. He obviously started panicking at the realization that he couldn't get away from me so he slapped me. It didn't hurt but it fucking surprised me.

Thankfully, I'm used to being in fights so I held on.

"You little shit!" I snarled at him and slapped him with so much force that it sent his head snapping to the side. It felt so damn good. He stopped fighting immediately and started shaking again.

Suddenly I felt drunk on the power I had over him. He would probably do everything I'd tell him to right now. Good, that's how it's got to be. I love having control.

I leaned forward and whispered into his ear.

"I told you there would be consequences!" I repeated angrily. He shivered violently but didn't say a word, instead he went limp under my grip, the will to fight leaving him entirely. I hit him once again, simply because I could.

"I hope I made my point clear!" I scoffed and let go of him. He stumbled a few steps back and then looked at me. He looked me straight in the eyes.

The look in his eyes scared me. They looked so completely dead.

If eyes are the mirror to one's soul, does that mean he's dead inside? The hazel color of his eyes had dimmed down significantly.

I put my worries aside, not really caring. I wound my arm around his waist and walked out of the alley and back to the others.

 

 

"Gee?" Frank questioned, obviously worried, when he saw me and Gerard, side by side, walking back to him, Dan and Jepha. Gerard just blankly stared at Frank, his face vanished of all emotions. He kept staring at Frank with his watery but eerily dead looking eyes.

Dan and Jepha just stood awkwardly next to Frank, not even daring to breathe properly.

I was still pissed at Frank, so just to get him back I tilted Gerard's head to mine and kissed him. Gerard didn't move into the kiss which I would have to teach him a lesson about later but right now I knew I had won this one. The hurt and betrayed look on Frank's face only confirmed me in that fact. It was totally worth it.

I smirked at Frank before I turned to Gerard.

"Lets go home, baby." I said in an almost sickly sweet voice. Gerard nodded, though it was barely noticeable. I took his hand and spun us around, leaving Frank, Jepha and Dan standing there. Looking like they just saw a ghost.

 

 

We walked back to my house in silence. I could have said something but I wanted to give him a little time to think about what he did. I will have to teach him that he has to do what I tell him or he will regret it. Especially that he has to play along with me.

I know he still has feelings for me, they don't disappear from one second to the other.

 

Once we arrived in front of my house's front door I unlocked it, pulled Gerard inside and locked the door behind my back again.

I looked at Gerard, standing there in the middle of the room.

A broken shell of a boy who used to shine brighter than the stars.

A walking skeleton, killed by the ugliness of other people's personality. Buried by society.

I looked him up and down for a few minutes, taking in every detail of his bruised but handsome and pale face, every detail of his skinny, almost bony, but awesome body.

In that moment I fell in love with him even more. One more reason why I am not going to let him go.

But after all I have to teach him the rules of a game which I am going to call our relationship and he can call it whatever he wants.

 _The calm before the storm..._ there will be another one.

I took that moment to speak up.

 

"You are mine forever or until I say otherwise!"


	16. Gerard's POV

"You're mine forever or until I say otherwise!"

 

These words keep running through my mind as I push the blade deeper into my skin.

"I'm not your fucking toy." Another cut.

"I'm not yours." I tell myself while I search for another spot on my left arm to cut open with my razor blade.

I don't feel any pain as I slide the cold metal across my skin once again. One, two, three new cuts now decorate my left wrist, along with a bunch of blood spilling cuts all over my arm.

 

I didn't bother going to school today. I told Bert that I felt sick so he left me at his house and went to school on his own. He told me that he's going to call me every now and then to check on me though. He's going to murder me if he ever finds out about this...about me cutting in his bathroom, not bothering to keep my blood from dripping onto the ground. I can't be arsed to give a damn about this, about anything right now.

 

I don't feel anything as I move on to my right arm. I just feel empty. In the meanwhile my tears stopped rolling down my cheeks and my eyes feel sore and dry. They hurt. I roll up the right sleeve of my, I mean of Bert's hoodie.

 

Countless scars. Countless mistakes I have made, countless flaws that I have found in myself, countless nights wasted crying and thinking and regretting and hating. Hating myself. And now, I hate myself more than ever.

My right wrist was perfectly clean, the scars on my right arm only ever began to spread their pinky-red color somewhere above my wrist. I promised to at least keep my right wrist clean, free of any damages and mistakes.

 

And now I am about to destroy the only clean spot I've promised myself to keep clean. How things can change within days, hours, minutes or even seconds.

 

My whole body is shaking as I put the blade to my wrist. My hands get sweaty and my heart starts beating faster. My head feels hot and I feel dizzy.

 

I pull the blade across my wrist. I smile. It's like this particular cut just released all the pressure I've felt. If only just for seconds, I feel alright. I smile.

 

The blood keeps pouring out of my cuts, it smears down my arms and drips to the ground. I observe the way the blood drops drip to the ground, the way it paints the white floor of the bathroom a scarlet red.

 

Do you know the sentence: "The first cut is the deepest."? It's a lie.

The first cut I've ever made was nothing more but a scratch. Something I could have blamed my cat for, if I had one, if anyone would have asked.

 

I was scared back then. But as time went on, the cuts got deeper and deeper. I fell more and more into the addiction...I'm addicted to the pain. Now it's the only thing that makes me feel alive.

But I don't always feel the sting, so how do I know whether I'm alive or not?

 

What do you do when the only thing that made you feel alive, that kept you alive, doesn't do its job anymore? How do you go on?

 

How do you continue when you're feeling worthless, are addicted to self-destruction and can't find a purpose?

 

My mobile's ringtone rips me out of my thoughts. Against my expectation of who the person calling me is, I thought it was Bert, my phone's display reads "Frankie". I hesitate before deciding to pick up.

 

"Gerard?" I hear Frank's beautiful, angel-like voice.

" 'sup Frank?" I ask nonchalantly.

"What are you doing? Are you alright?" he asks, audibly worried. His voice sounds hushed.

"Why are you whispering?" I ask confused.

"Are you alright?" he repeats, sounding rushed.

"I uhm..." I stare blankly at my freshly made cuts. "I'm fine." I lie.

"Really?" he questions.

I can't help but hesitate before answering.

Truth or lie?

"Yeah, I'm fine." I remark while I turn my phone on loudspeaker and put it onto the ground next to me. I grab a tissue and wipe the smeared blood off of my arms while Frank continues talking.

"Are you still at Bert's?" Frank asks.

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I was feeling sick."

"When is Bert coming back today?"

"Uhm I don't know." I say, wondering why he'd want to know when Bert's coming back. "School's out at 3pm for him today and then he said something about wanting to meet up with Dan and Jepha. I don't know when he'll be back." I answer.

"Okay. See you later then."

"But-" before I can say anything else I already hear my phone's "toot toot", informing me that Frank hung up.

"The fuck was that?" I ask myself, knowing I'm not going to get the answer to that anytime soon.

 

What did Frank mean by saying "See you later."? Will he come here after school? Why would he do that? He can't come here. Not to Bert's. Bert is going to freak out when he comes home and sees Frank here...with me...and without his permission.

 

Not even five minutes later my phone goes off again. This time it's Bert who's calling.

"Hey Bert." I greet him, not daring to hesitate and risking him to be suspicious.

"Hey Babe. What are you doing?" he asks, his voice as sweet and soft as it always sounds when he's not on drugs or drunk. What is it with him that he is always so sweet and loveable when he is clean and sober but he freaks out about the littlest shit as soon as he's on drugs or something. I just don't get it.

"I'm doing nothing really. Just sitting in the kitchen and drinking my coffee." I lie blankly.

"Okay. I hope you have a lot of time later." he says, confusing me just a little more.

"Why?" I question.

"Because we are going to party with Dan, Jepha and Quinn." he states.

"Why didn't you ask Brian, Mikey, Ray, Bob, Mark and Frank to come along?"

"Because I'm totally not gonna ask Frank after what has happened and the others said they were going to play kickball after school and I guess Frank will be there too so it's just you and me with Dan, Jepha and Quinn." he explains nonchalantly.

"Wait, Quinn?"

"Uh yeah. I listed him the first time too. Why do you question it just now?" he asks and I can figuratively hear the huge smile by the sound of his voice.

"Why Quinn? Why will he party with us too? You said you'd hate him!" I mention as if Bert wouldn't know this on his own.

"Yeah well, things change, aye? Are you jealous or something?"

"It's just going to be awkward..." I answer quietly.

"Come on, Gee. Don't turn this into a drama. If you are going to make a scene you're not gonna party with us." he warns me. He sounds slightly annoyed already.

"You are not going to make a scene are you?" he repeats.

"No. Of course not." I assure him. As if I was able to complain about it or anything. If I don't obey to what he says, hell knows what he will do. And I swear, I don't want to know what he'd be capable of doing.

"Well then. I'll come and get you at around 5pm okay?"

"Yeah sure." I shrug, though I know he can't see my shrug anyway.

"Alright. 'till then, Babe." he says before he hangs up.

 

I'm positive that this is going to suck...

 

Not allowing myself to let my thoughts slip any further into thinking about what is going to happen tonight and what it's going to be like I decide to go to the kitchen. I have a bad feeling about that nonetheless.

 

I roll down my sleeves, a part of me hoping that the sleeves will soak up all the blood of my cuts, another part of me hoping that my cuts will just magically stop bleeding as soon as they are hidden underneath the hoodie's sleeves again. I take a few tissues and clean the blood off the bathroom floor before I actually step out of the bathroom, walk downstairs and end up in the kitchen.

I instantly take a beer out of the shelf. My hands are cold by now though it's supposed to be warm inside as well as outside. Why are my hands cold? I start to see tiny white dots everywhere.

'It's probably just my mind fucking with me.' I think while I sit down at the table, simply staring at the opened bottle in front of me. I take a sip and look around nervously.

 

I feel my whole body trembling, I'm freezing and I feel dizzy.

Maybe I'm craving for something but I don't know what for.

My palms get sweaty and my mouth is dry.

'What the fuck?' I think as I start panicking and thinking about everything my body could be begging for.

A cigarette? No, I smoked one right after Bert left.

A drink? Impossible, this one is my second beer today so there should be enough alcohol in my blood to let my body know there's only going to come more alcohol.

Food? Never! Not like this and I'm not going to end my diet anytime soon anyway.

Drugs? Drugs!

 

I hastily get off the chair I was sitting on, almost knocking the beer off of the table as I try to get a grip on something to not fall. My legs feel weak, like they aren't strong enough to carry me anymore. I stumble towards the drawer in which Bert hides his substances. I pull the drawer out and look at all the colorful pills, the few baggies filled with weed, another few baggies filled with what looks like dried mushrooms. So called magic mushrooms? Whatsoever, I also happen to notice two baggies with white powder in them. Cocaine.

'Where does Bert even get so much money to buy all that shit?' I ask myself while thinking about what could help best.

I grab two pills and swallow them without hesitating.

 

Only about two minutes later I feel my muscles tense up in a painful yet relaxing way and I feel my heartbeat beat faster. At the same time I realize that my hands stopped sweating and my body doesn't shake violently anymore. I take the beer, it almost slips out of my hand for some reason, and I drink the rest at once. For some reason I see every color more intense than before and everything just seems to be a little louder. Unfortunately my head started hurting again too. Having a headache when you're on drugs is, without a doubt, the worst. The pain is more intense. And I am still freezing.

'Is it that cold?' I ask myself as I turn my head towards the kitchen window to take a look outside, still standing in front of the opened drawer.

Sunshine. Of fucking course it's not cold outside. It may be the end of summer but it's only ever cold in the morning and at night. Throughout the day the air heats up so much that one might think Satan himself decided to step out of the depths of hell and make himself a home on earth or something.

'I'll probably just need another hoodie...'

I close the drawer and was about to go upstairs to get yet another hoodie when I suddenly discover some blood smeared on the drawer. I look at my hands and notice there's still new blood smearing all over them.

"Shit. Fuck!" I curse aloud, taking the nearest towel possible and quickly wiping the blood off the drawer and then off of my hands.

"Fuck this!" I say as I throw the towel onto the table. I guess I will need a bandage.

I unwrap my right hand, the one I punched and broke the mirror with, and wrap the bandage around my left arm. I probably need another one to wrap around my right arm but at first I need another hoodie or I'm going to freeze to death so I make my way to the bedroom to get said hoodie.

By the time I approached the top of the stairs my headache became almost unbearable and I still feel dizzy.

I hurry into the bedroom and over to the shelf which contains Bert's t-shirts, hoodies and zippers. I pull another black one out and quickly put it on.

 

At this point, my whole vision went blurry and everything's spinning in my head. I feel like I'm unvoluntarily on some rollercoaster.

 

Just wanting to calm down I sit down onto the bed to calm myself down again but instead I black out.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

For some reason I don't remember falling asleep, neither passing out at some point, but I remember being woken up by my mobile's ringtone.

"What the fuck..." I whisper as I reach out for my phone, ready to grab it and throw it against the wall opposite to the bed I just noticed I'm in. But before I could do so I see Frank's name written over my mobile's display.

"Uh hey Frankie." I greet him sleepily.

"Gerard are you still at Bert's?" he asks me immediately.

"Uh yeah I am." I sigh exhausted. Why am I feeling like this?

"Open the front door then." he orders somewhat cheerily.

"Wait you are-" I don't feel the need to finish my sentence I just rush downstairs and swing the front door open. And what I find is Frank standing on the porch steps and smiling bright at me.

"Shit Frankie. What are you doing here?" I ask curiously as I stuff my phone into my jeans' pocket and try not to drool over Frank's perfection.

"Nice to see you, too." he giggles as he grabs my arms to pull me close and hug me tightly. Fuck that hurts.

Rather trying to displace the pain rushing through my arms I wrap those around his waist and hug him back. This definitely feels better than it should.

"Can I come in?" he asks happily.

"Uh yeah but you can't stay long because Bert will be back at around 5pm." I mention while I step back to let Frank in.

"Okay." he shrugged after I closed the door. "What have you been doing so far?" he questions.

"Nothing. I actually slept until now." I state, hoping he won't see through my masquerade.

"I'll get myself something to drink, aye?" he informed me before he entered the kitchen.

"I'll stay in the living room." I yell after him before I sit down on the couch and turn on the TV. But instead of actually watching whatever is on right now I take my black sharpie and continue drawing on the drawing I began a while ago. It shows Frank with black angel wings.

 

"Gerard, turn off the TV." I hear Frank's voice break through the conversation between a daughter and her father on TV. Not even looking up I take the remote control and mute the volume.

"Now look at me." he orders. I don't know why but I feel more miserable than before all of a sudden. I lift my head and almost choke on all the air I just sucked in all at once.

The towel. How the fuck could I forget to hide it.

"Explain yourself." Frank simply says, his eyes lightly watery and his expression as serious as I've only seen it once or twice before.

"I-I..." I stutter, trying my best to get the words out but I can't. Right now I can barely breathe and it feels like my heart just shattered into a million pieces again. Just the hurt look in Frank's eyes. Like I've betrayed him. Like I broke a promise I've never given.

"What did Bert do to you yesterday?" Frank questions. How does he know that these ones are because of Bert?

"Nothing." I tell him.

"Gerard, I know something happened so tell me what he did." Frank insists.

"He...He beat me and yelled at me and...and he..." I can't finish my sentence. It's like the words are stuck in my throat and they won't seem to come out.

"Why?" Frank chokes out, his voice just as unsteady as mine.

And just like that I burst into tears like a baby.

"I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." I tell him over and over again, trying to make him belive that I genuinely mean it.

 

After about two minutes of helplessly sobbing and failing to talk properly I look up at Frank again. He just stares at me.

"I'm sorry that I'm such a disappointment and such a failure. Bert was right about everything. I'm a burden to you and the others. I'm sorry Frankie." I say, barely loud enough for him to actually hear my apologies.

"Shut the fuck up, Gerard!" Frank yells at me, helplessly throwing his hands in the air. Then he turns on his heels and walks back into the kitchen.

"I'm sorry. So so sorry." I tell myself over and over again.

But am I really sorry for it? Why do I keep cutting when it always ends up with Frank catching me and me apologizing to him but yet doing it again and again?

 

As I desperately try to mute my sobs I hear Frank rummaging through the drawers in the kitchen. What is he looking for?

Not long after I asked myself that question Frank reappears in the living room and walks over to me, holding a small package in each hand.

"Roll up your sleeves." he orders earnestly while he sits down close next to me.

"No." I insist.

"Please, Gee." he begs, looking straight into my eyes. The look in his eyes is killing me.

"Okay." I whisper while slowly rolling up the left sleeve, then the right one, preparing myself to be yelled at or Frank punching me, so I close my eyes and duck my head and want this torture to be over as soon as possible.

 I feel how Frank cautiously unwraps the bandage around my left arm. At the same time my heart beats faster and I'm scared of how he will react.

Against all my theories of what Frank is going to do with me he didn't yell at me, neither did he punch me.

 

He started putting band aids over my newer cuts. One band aid over each cut. He didn't stop until every single one was covered with a band aid. I can't help but stare at him in disbelieve. What is he doing and why?

 

I'm about to ask him that when he grabs my black sharpie and draws hearts on some band aids and writes words on others. Well now I am helplessly confused.

"For every single lie that you made yourself believe, I'm going to write the truth onto the band aids." he explains himself. Curiousity getting the best of me I stop staring at him and start reading the words he writes onto the band aids.

 

Beautiful. Loveable. Handsome. Awesome. Funny. Best Friend. Reliable. Helpful. Amazing. Worth it. Perfect.

 

"Lies." the word escapes my mouth without my permission.

"What?" Frank's head darts up and his eyes are glued to mine immediately as soon as the word was out.

"Lies!" I repeat "Nothing but lies. These are all lies." I complain.

"No-"

"Why do you do this to me?!" I yell unvoluntarily.

"Why do you lie to me?" I ask him, knowing that I'm not in the position to ask him that particular question because I am no better. But at least I don't point out his insecurities and pick on them.

"Why?!" I scream again, tears already starting to well up in my eyes again.

"Because" now it's Frank who raises his voice "to me these aren't fucking lies! I honestly fucking mean these things and it just hurts me and Mikey and the others so much everytime it comes to show that you don't think like that about yourself. Because whatever you think about yourself, whatever it was that made you think of yourself in the worst way possible is not true! You are not a failure! Neither are you a disappointment. Things just went a little out of control. All you need is a little help and you will get back up again!" Frank almost yells at me.

My mind starts racing.

"You can't be serious." I whisper more to myself than to Frank.

"I am." Frank answers, his voice ever so soft and warm.

"I'll throw the towel away for you." Frank states before he gets back to his feet and goes outside to throw the towel into the trash, leaving the front door open. I watch his every move closely. Why does he treat me like that? Why does he treat me so much different than my own boyfriend? Why so much better? I surely don't deserve that.

 

"When did you say is Bert coming back?" Frank asks me after he entered the house. Instead of answering I just keep staring at him. Does he really mean what he said or does he only want to fuck me up like anybody else? 

"Gerard!" Frank yells, ripping me out of my thoughts.

"What?" I ask, startled by the sudden volume of his voice breaking through the silence.

"When will Bert be back again?" Frank repeats.

"Uh 5pm." I tell him.

"Well then I'm out." Frank informs me before he comes over to me and pulls me into a hug.

"Don't you ever do this to yourself again. Don't you even fucking dare." Frank warns me, whispering those words into my ear as if there was anyone in near who could witness our conversation.

"Promise me that you won't ever hurt yourself in any way again." he orders, not letting go nor loosing his slightly too tight grip around me. I keep my arms wrapped around him too though.

"I p-..." though I try, I can't get these words out. How do I know whether I can keep this promise or not? How can I be sure I won't relapse? I can't. And that is why I can't promise Frank anything.

"Say it. Promise you won't do that anymore." he pushes.

"I can't." I choke out, desperate for him to understand.

"I know you can. And you know it too." he tries to assure me but I won't fall for this one.

"No! I don't know if I can do it or not and that's why I can't promise you anything." I insist.

"Then at least promise me that you will try. Please, Gerard. I'm begging you." he begs. I hesitate. Should I give it a shot?

"I will try." I whisper.

"I didn't hear you." Frank pushes the matter.

"I promise that I will try." I say, a little louder this time.

"Okay." Frank agrees.

"Okay."

"I've got to go now." he mentions after a few moments of just holding me in his arms.

"I know." I sigh.

"You'll have to let me go so I can actually go." Frank giggles, making me smile for a second before he steps out of my reach.

 

I follow Frank to the door and hold the door open for him. He steps out and comes to a halt right in front of me. He turns around and simply looks at me for a while, only about five inches away from me.

"Well then" I start, feeling a little uncomfortable being stared at "I guess I'll see you tomorrow, huh?" I finish lamely.

"Okay." he smiles at me and I swear his smile makes my heart melt every single time. First I try to keep my focus on his eyes, these beautiful hazel-green eyes, but then eventually my view drops to his lips and eventually stays there. Oh lord, those lips. And in that moment I remembered the kiss again. How soft Frank's lips were and how warm they felt...

I didn't have long to remember everything because I suddenly realized how close Frank's face was to mine.

His face is only about two inches away from mine. I feel my body tense and my mind starts racing. I start getting nervous but don't dare to say a word anyway.

What is he doing? Why is he this close? What is he thinking?

 

And in that moment our lips met and my body went limp. Luckily Frank wrapped his arms around me just in time to steady me and keep me on my feet. Not fully realizing what I was doing I moved into the kiss. Our lips moved in unison and soon I felt his tongue brush against my bottom lip so I open my mouth and so did Frank.

 

I finally manage to wrap my arms around Frank as well and we kiss like we wouldn't give a damn about the consequences if Bert would draw up behind Frank at this very moment. It feels so good. Kissing Frank feels so much better than kissing Bert or even being with him.

Frank's lips are as soft as I remember them being and so warm and it's just perfect. Everything seems to be perfect right now.

 

But then Frank breaks the kiss and loosens his grip around me. Too early for my liking.

I look at Frank, trying to figure out why he would risk getting us into more trouble than we already are just to...kiss me?

"Sorry." he smiles bright at me, his lips bright pink and his face lightly flushed.

"You don't really look like you're sorry" I smile back.

"Well, should I be?" he jokes, still smiling bright.

"I think I can forgive you." I giggle.

"See you tomorrow then." Frank winks at me.

"Okay." I reply, feeling like a billion butterflies are twirling around in my guts and Frank kissing me again, just giving me a quick peck on my lips, doesn't make the butterflies go away. Frank smiles at me again before he turns around and leaves. I just stay in the doorway and stare after Frank. It was him kissing me this time. Two times. Does that mean he might feel the same for me as I feel for him? Or did he just do this for some other reason? But fuck. It doesn't even matter why he did that. Or why he does anything he does. I couldn't be with him even if I wanted to. Bert won't ever let me go, will he? What the hell did I get myseld into?

 

Only 30 minutes after Frank left Bert enters the house.

"Babe?" he yells from the front door.

"Hey." I simply reply, appearing at the bottom of the stairs. I went upstairs to get ready for the party that Bert was talking about earlier. I mean I only wrapped a bandage around my right arm, so now there's one around my left and one around my right arm, and I put the two hoodies I wore into the laundry and am now wearing a new one.

"Are you ready?" Bert asks after kissing me. I feel like a total piece of shit. Not only have I cheated on Bert again but I also cut again and I have a feeling that he will find it out too. I'm miserable right now.

"Yeah I'm ready." I answer as I take his hand and link his fingers with mine. I noticed that he's still clean. The longest he's ever been clean in the past couple of years. Not even 24 hours but 9 hours for sure.

"Alright lets get going." he smiles at me, audibly excited for the night.

 

I didn't have a clue where we were going until I recognized Quinn's house down the road we were walking on. How could I forget the way to Quinn's house?

"We're going to party at Quinn's?" I ask, trying not to let my jealousy show...wait. Why am I jealous? Feelings are a stupid thing. Screw this.

"Do you remember promising me that you won't make a scene about it?" he asks "Cause I sure as hell do remember." he adds, looking at me with a spark of annoyance in his eyes.

"I know I promised." I reassure him, not wanting to ruin the night before it has even started.

"Good." he replies before he rings the doorbell.

 

We don't have to wait long for Quinn to open the door and I can't help but think that Bert eventually seems to be a little too excited about tonight's events.

"Hey Bertie. I honestly didn't expect you to actually show up." Quinn smiles.

"Well, I did as you can see." Bert smiles back at him. They both burst into laughter and fall into each other's arms.

As they are hugging I feel Quinn's eyes on me so I lift my head to look at him. And I was right. Quinn stares at me, his arms still around Bert, and the look on his face hints me that he doesn't seem to like my presence.

Quinn didn't bother greeting me, he just asked Bert and me to come in and Bert practically stormed into the house. When I wanted to follow him Quinn stopped me though and pulled me closer to him to whisper something into my ear.

"I hope you know that I will get Bert back." he hisses into my ear.

"What?" is the only thing that comes to my mind.

"You heard me. He's mine. He always was mine, and always will be. You're not good enough for him anyway." Quinn spits evilly.

I just stare after him as he disappears into the house. Did that just really happen?

Hoping that Quinn didn't actually mean what he just spat at me, I enter the house, close the door and wander through the house. Bert was talking about partying with Quinn, Dan and Jepha and not Quinn, Dan, Jepha and about thirty other people that I have never seen in my entire life.

 

The first thing I do is going into the kitchen and taking a bottle of cola-whiskey mixture. I take a few gulps and continue my way through the house. Pretty much all the drunk people are in the kitchen, the stoned ones are in the living room, there are a bunch of people walking cluelessly around in the house's hallway and then there are Dan and Jepha coming out of Quinn's bedroom. I don't even want to know what in fuck's name they did in there.

"Gerard!" they both yell cheerily, their voices even breaking through the loud music.

"Hey guys." I reply awkwardly.

"Is Bert here too?" Dan yells into my ear. I nod. I'm not sure why but after I nodded their faces vanished of any emotions and they look at each other before they basically storm down the stairs and disappear. The fuck was that?

Feeling uncomfortable standing in front of Quinn's bedroom I decide to walk downstairs again, drinking about half of the alcohol in my hand. I feel dizzy already. I enter the living room and look around in an attempt to find Bert. And I do find him but what I see is not what I expected.

 

Bert is on the couch, which wouldn't be such a big deal if he wouldn't be sitting on Quinn's lap, currently pressing his own lips on Quinn's. I empty the bottle in basically no time before I angrily walk over to them and stop about two feet away from them. What the fuck am I even doing? They could both beat the hell out of me in no time. But I don't care. Bert almost beat the crap out of me because I kissed Frank and now he's cheating on me with his ex-boyfriend, in front of my eyes.

 

I gather all my courage and tap on Bert's shoulder. He doesn't bother turning away from Quinn, instead he keeps on pushing his tongue into his ex-boyfriend's mouth.

 

I lay my hand on his shoulder and try to pull him away when suddenly he quickly rushes around and punches me right in the face. I lose my balance and fall to the ground, feeling the pain rush through my head. The next thing I notice is that Bert pulls me off of the ground.

"Fuck off." he yells in my ear before he shoves me back.

"What the fuck is your problem?" I scream back at him.

"You are my fucking problem, you pathetic freak." he hisses and makes my heart ache with these words.

"What did I do?" I ask, hoping that he will give me a genuine answer.

"Like this is any of your business." he scoffs viciously.

"You know he screwed you over before and you know he's going to do it again." I yell, knowing that I have just crossed a line and I am capable of the consequences. Bert takes a step towards me to close the space between us.

"Go the fuck to my house and fucking wait there. When I come home and you're not there I will beat the fucking shit out of you!" he screams angrily and I swear he could have scared the hell out of anyone in that moment. I don't know which drugs he has swallowed or whatever but he's hammered as hell. It would be a miracle if he remembers anything tomorrow.

"Go!" Bert yells, ripping me out of my thoughts by slapping me. I let my gaze drop to the ground and obey. So I walk back to Bert's, feeling a lot worse than before.

 

By the time I arrive at Bert's I feel extremely exhausted. I enter the house and lock the door behind me. Having the spare keys would be so much better if Bert would have forgotten to take his actual keys with him.

I walk into the kitchen and take a pill out of the drawer, not quite giving a damn what sort of pill this one is. I swallow the pill and go upstairs. I crawl into the bed and let the drugs take control.

 

I lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, observing the way the stars I see at the ceiling are moving. I look around and watch small animals run around in Bert's bedroom. But as soon as the small animals appeared they are gone again. Instead I see eyes everywhere and they are watching me. They are all staring at me. I sit on the edge of the bed and try to ignore the awkward feeling that's becoming almost unbearable. Why are they all staring at me? I rub my eyes hoping to find something else as soon as I open my eyes again.

I take a deep breath and open my eyes and what I see is a creepy creature coming my way. I run out of the room and come to a halt on the top of the stairs. I turn around to check if that creature is still behind me. Then I see it jumping in my direction.

 

I fall. Pain shoots through my body and I black out.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

"Gerard!"

All I see is darkness. Who's there?

"Gerard!!"

I am here! Who's calling me?

"Wake up!"

I am awake.

 

Then suddenly my cheek hurts and my eyes shoot open. I take a deep breath and sit up, feeling the sting in my back and my head more intense than before.

"Gerard what the actual fuck happened?" Bert yells at me, not really helping to improve anything.

"I don't know." I answer genuinely, clutching my hands to my head.

"My vision is blurry. I guess I blacked out." I state.

"You fell down the fucking stairs." Bert grinds his teeth angrily.

"Get the fuck up." he orders, grabbing my arm and roughly pulling me to my feet.

"You're hurting me?" I complain.

"Shut up!" Bert hisses and drags me after him. All the way to the hospital.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

About an hour or so later Bert and I are on our way back to Bert's house.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" Bert asks annoyed.

"What?"

"I know you just took a random fucking pill and swallowed it. I wouldn't give you anything that makes you hallucinate because you don't know how to cope with shit like that." Bert yells, pushing be against a random house's wall.

"I'm sorry." I apologize, terrified of the situation.

"No you're fucking not. If you ever think about swallowing a random pill again you better have someone around to tell you that your hallucinations aren't real." Bert hisses viciously.

"Lets go home." Bert says, suddenly calm again. I just nod.

 

Arriving at Bert's we both crawl immediately into his bed. I roll onto my side and eventually I start freezing but for some reason I can't bring myself to sleep under the same blanket as Bert. Not this time. So I push the blanket away and try to sink further into the hoodie, it just doesn't work the way I imagined it to.

 

"Gee..." I hear Bert's sleepy voice speak up from behind me.

"You know there's enough space under the covers for both of us." Bert adds.

"Don't talk to me." I choke out, suddenly remembering how Bert kissed Quinn tonight and how he hit me and yelled at me. I suddenly remember the way Bert hurt me.

"I'm sorry for what I did tonight." Bert apologizes. I don't know if he really means that but he never apologized for anything when he was high and I swear he still is. At the same time I have to admit that I am too tired to argue with Bert now.

"Okay." I reply.

"Come here." Bert orders sleepily so I crawl under the covers and cuddle close to him. He wraps his arm around my waist and kisses the back of my neck.

 

And just like that we both fall asleep.


	17. Ieroween

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Gerard's POV

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

I wake up to an almost deafening noise coming from downstairs. Sounds like someone is fighting with someone else. I slowly open my eyes, noticing that Bert isn't lying next to me anymore. When did he get up? And why didn't he wake me up as well? Is it him who's downstairs, audibly arguing with someone else? I glance at the alarm clock on the nightstand. It's 3pm already. How did I sleep that long? I sit up on the edge of the bed, rub my eyes and stretch myself before I get up and walk over to Bert's wardrobe to get another hoodie, listening in to the conversation from downstairs.

"You must be fucking kidding me." I hear Bert yell.

"You treat him like shit, you fucking asshole." another familiar voice complains. Are they talking about me?

"Did he tell you that? That's fucking bullshit!" Bert replies viciously.

"Can't you see that he's getting worse with every passing day? Have you become that much of a selfish bastard that you don't give a single fuck about your boyfriend anymore?" the other one screams. It's just now that I realize that the other voice belongs to Frank. Silence follows.

"Also, why must you always fucking hurt me. Are you trying to get back at me? Grow the fuck up, fuckwit!" Frank continues angrily. They are talking about me.

Finally changed into a new hoodie, I rush downstairs, stopping at the bottom of the staircase, only to find Frank and Bert standing in the middle of the living room, staring at me.

"Uh, hey Gee." Frank greets me, his face turning red almost immediately and a huge smile spreading across his face.

"Morning, Babe." Bert says, smiling before he closes the space between us to kiss me briefly. I notice Frank's smile vanishing.

"Hey." I simply reply, not really able to figure out what to make of this particular situation.

"Sorry for waking you up." Bert apologizes, scratching the back of his neck while cutely smiling at me, his voice sounding sweet and warm. Seems like he's not wasted yet.

"It's okay." I shrug, smiling back at Bert and flashing Frank a smile too.

"What were you two talking about?" I ask, curiousity getting the best of me. Why did they talk about me? There's an awkward silence following where we just keep staring at each other awkwardly.

"Uh, we were just talking. We tried to uhm talk some things out." Bert explains, smiling at me but shooting Frank warning glares.

"Yeah. We tried." Frank scoffs bitterly, not able to keep a despising laugh from escaping.

"What kind of fucking answer was that, midget?" Bert explodes, startling me with the sudden volume of his voice.

"Oh, it's just that you are an unreasonable fucking dick!" Frank exclaims angrily.

"Guys." I try to interrupt.

"What the fuck did you just say?" Bert questions Frank's last statement.

"You heard me, fuckwit!" Frank answers, taking a step toward Bert.

"Watch your mouth or I'll kick your midget ass, you annoying little dwarf!" Bert hisses infuriated.

"Guys!!" I yell again, finally capturing their attention.

"What?" Bert and Frank hiss in unison.

"Shut the fuck up. Both of you!" I order and surprisingly they obey.

"What the heck is your problem?" I ask.

"He's my fucking problem." they yell, motioning toward each other, unvoluntarily making me smile because come on that's hilarious. Two times in a row talking in unison? It's almost impossible to not smile at that. After a few seconds they seem to have figured out why I'm smiling away like an idiot and follow suit and smile along with me.

"Seriously though, shut up guys. I have an awful headache." I state before I walk into the kitchen, leaving them by themselves.

"Get your shit sorted out!" I yell from the kitchen.

"Aye, captain." I hear Bert reply to which Frank's cute giggle follows, lighting up the atmosphere a little bit.

While I make myself a cup of coffee I keep listening to Bert and Frank talk to each other in the living room.

"This shit really gets annoying." Frank speaks up after a moment.

"What the hell even happened? How did we end up hating on each other?" Bert asks, sounding calm and eventually a little bit sad.

"I don't know, man. It's ridiculous how we destroyed our friendship because of these things..." Frank remarks. What things?

"We shouldn't fight anymore." Bert says.

"I'm sorry. For everything." Frank apologizes genuinely.

"So am I." Bert agrees. I pour myself a cup of coffee and walk back into the living room to see them grinning at each other.

"No more shit? No more fights?" Frank asks Bert.

"Promise." Bert agrees and they shake each other's hand.

"C'mon guys, you can do better than that." I grin at them before taking a sip of my coffee.

"What?" third time talking in unison, they look at me in confusion.

"I wanna see you hug or I won't believe that you two are okay again after...well whatever the fuck you two were fighting about." I smirk. Bert rolls his eyes and sighs but can't keep a tiny smile off his lips as he hugs Frank softly.

"Awesome." I smile and turn their hug into a tiny group hug by wrapping my arms around both of them.

"How's your back by the way?" Bert suddenly asks me after we ended the group hug.

"Hurts." I reply.

"Your head?" Bert adds.

"Hurts even more."

"Why do your head and your back hurt?" Frank asks, looking confused again.

"He fell down the stairs yesterday." Bert explains.

"Not really something to brag about. Bert found me when he came home. I blacked out and fell I guess." I tell him, knowing that it's only half true.

"Yeah...you blacked out." Bert winks at me, knowing the real reason too.

"Damn. You can be glad you didn't break your neck and die or so." Frank says, looking shocked and worried.

"Nah. A few steps can't kill me that easily." I joke but am caught off guard by the quiet, almost unaudible voice in the back of my head, wishing it had killed me. I decide to ignore that thought and decide to tell Bert and Frank about tonight's plans.

"Hey guys, since tonight is Halloween I think we should go trick and treating." I say, feeling myself get more excited with every word. I also notice Frank's gaze dropping to the ground. He looks sad.

"...you are seventeen, Gerard. And so are we. Don't you-"

"One can never be too old for trick and treat, Bert." I explain, dramatically rolling my eyes.

"Hell yeah! I wasn't trick and treating for three years. Yes lets do it!" Frank exclaims, but I can hear the disappointment through his faked happiness. If he'll stay this way the whole time I'm probably going to cry.

"Alright then. Lets get ready for it. We can meet up at around seven and then go, alright?" I offer, smiling at Frank. Frank just nods eagerly, but his eyes don't look as happy as his smile should make him look if it was a genuine one. This is frustrating.

"Well I'm totally not gonna go trick and treating." Bert mentions, helplessly throwing his hands up.

"What are you going to do then?" Frank asks somewhat sad and slightly disappointed.

"I'll find something to do, don't you worry." Bert smiles warmly.

"Okay. Well then I'll see you later, Gee." Frank grins at me, hugging me goodbye before he leaves through the front door.

I turn around immediately.

"Okay, Bert. You tell the others to be here at around nine. That's when I'll be back with Frank." I order and Bert instantly pulls his mobile out of his jeans' pocket and starts typing, telling the others what I just told him.

"And make sure that the lights are off when we get here. Otherwise Frank will see the others and the surprise won't be that much of a surprise anymore." I warn Bert, who just groans.

"Yes, Gerard. C'mon how stupid do you think I am? It's not the first surprise party I'm giving." Bert sighs annoyed.

"I just wanna make sure that it's going to be perfect. It's his birthday after all." I mention quietly.

"I know." Bert answers, not even trying to hide the sound of jealousy in his voice.

"Thanks for doing this, Bertie." I smile before I quickly kiss him and dart upstairs into the bedroom. I take my phone off the nightstand and dial Mikey's number.

"'sup, Gee?" Mikey answers my call.

"You've gotta bring my skeleton costume to Bert's." I order.

"Well, it's nice to hear your voice, too." he replies.

"Come on Mikey. Please?" I beg, only getting a sigh in return.

"I'll be there in twenty minutes." Mikey sighs.

"Thank you, Mikes. It should be somewhere in my wardrobe." I inform him.

"Alright. See you around." Mikey answers before he hangs up. I stuff my mobile into Bert's hoodie's pocket and return to Bert again.

I enter the living room. Bert sits on the couch, talking to someone on the phone. He looks up at me and motions for me to come and sit down next to him, which I do.

"Okay. Be punctual." Bert says before he ends the call and turns to me.

"When will Mikey be here to bring your costume?" Bert asks while snaking his right arm around my waist.

"He said he'll be here in twenty minutes." I reply.

"So...what are we gonna do with these twenty minutes?" Bert sheepishly smiles at me while softly stroking my right cheek with his left hand. I smile back at him before I lean forward and press our lips together. Bert moves into the kiss immediately, putting his right hand on my left cheek and deepening the kiss.

 

The doorbell startles the both of us. Why do doorbells have to be so fricking loud anyway? They are meant to tell you when someone visits you, not that the whole fucking city burns down.

I climb off of Bert's lap, adjust my clothes and open the door to let Mikey inside.

"Why did it take you so long to open the door?" Mikey groans.

"We-"

"Wait! I don't even think I want to know." Mikey cuts me off immediately, handing me the costume.

"Thanks, bro." I thank him, taking the costume out of his hands and running upstairs, leaving Mikey with Bert.

I step into the bathroom and lock the door behind me. I pull off my hoodie and simply stare at my scars and fresher cuts and the bruises from when I fell down the stairs. I deserve every single one of these, don't I? Looking at my cuts makes me want to add some more. Bert finds me disgusting because of them. Frank probably too. I am disgusting. Maybe just one or two more...

"No." I whisper.

"I won't be a disappointing, pathetic fuck up today. Today is Halloween and Frank's birthday."

Finding it rather hard not to take the blade to my skin I strip off the rest of my clothes and take a shower before pulling on my costume and putting on black and white make up to make my face look skeleton-like. After about one and a half hour I am quite satisfied with my outfit and make up. I walk downstairs and back into the living room to find Bert and Mikey playing video games on Bert's xbox360.

"So, what do you guys think?" I ask them as I come to a halt in the doorway. They both look up.

"You look pretty cool to be honest." Mikey states, giving me a thumbs up.

"You make a hot skeleton." Bert smirks.

"Oh, do I?" I wink at Bert while walking over to him.

"Oh god. C'mon guys." Mikey groans from his position on the ground where he's sitting. I sit down next to Bert again, softly kissing his cheek and leaving a black lip print.

"Alright. I'm out. Gonna go get Ray, Bob and the others to help decorating everything." Mikey informs us before he gets up and leaves. I can't help but giggle at that. I check my phone to see that it's 5:17pm already.

"I'll go get Frank for trick and treating. See you later Bert." I tell Bert, kiss him goodbye and walk out the front door. I can feel Bert's eyes on me all the way out the door and while I walk down the front porch steps. By the way he's watching me, I can tell that he's jealous. I hope he can keep his temper.

 

It's already pretty dark outside as I arrive at Frank's house. I ring the doorbell and wait for someone to open the door.

"Oh, hello, sweetie." Linda, Frank's mom, greets me, smiling warmly.

"Good evening, Mrs. Iero." I greet her.

"I told you to call me Linda quite a few times, sweetie." Linda reminds me.

"Good evening, Linda." I repeat.

"That's better. Come in." she steps aside and holds the door open for me to enter the house.

"You're early, honey. Frankie said you were going to show up at around 7pm. It's only six." she mentions, casually walking into the kitchen and returning with some cookies which she hands me to eat.

"Thank you, Linda." I say, forcing a smile. Little does she know I cannot eat that.

"Frankie is upstairs, by the way." Linda informs me, still smiling bright at me.

"Okay." I smile back, stuffing the cookies into my bag before I slowly walk upstairs.

 

Arriving at the top of the stairs I hear music blasting from his room and I also hear him sing along to it. I stop in front of Frank's room's door and simply listen to his voice for a moment. He's got the voice of an angel, I swear.

"Frank?" I say, trying to get his attention. He didn't hear me.

"Frankie?" this time the music stopped.

"Frankie, I'm here." I inform Frank.

"Come in!" comes his voice from the other side of the door. I cautiously open the door and step into his room. I don't even pay the littlest bit of attention to the room's decoration. My eyes are instantly glued to Frank. He wears a Frankenstein's monster costume. He was about to make his face look more like Frankenstein's monster too but I obviously interrupted him because his face looks like it's only half finished.

"You're early, Gee." he says, flashing me a smile before he continues putting some more color on his face. I sit on his bed and take his guitar, trying to play something decent but failing miserably. From the corner of my eye I see Frank smiling to himself while I attempt to play guitar. He's probably making fun of me inside his head.

 

The next time I checked the clock it read 7:13pm. I sent Bert a SMS, reminding him that he has two hours left to get everything done.

"Hey, Frankie. Time to go trick and treating." I yell excited and so we go.

 

Going trick or treating when you're a seventeen-year old isn't as easy as one might think. Most people are convinced that you are too old to do that at this age but luckily there are also quite a few people that do give out sweets to whoever may come to their house. It is a good feeling getting sweets though. It makes one feel like a child again and it's awesome. And being with Frank while trick or treat is even better. Sometimes, seeing the look on parents' faces when they opened their door to two 17-year olds asking for candy was so hilarious, Frank and I would burst out laughing. I laughed so much. Not a fake laugh either… a real, full, can-feel-abs-forming kind of laugh. The kind of laugh I hadn’t had in a very long time.

 

These two hours went by so fast that I almost missed the time that I have to get Frank to come with me to Bert's house.

"Hey Frankie. I think we've collected enough sweets. Wanna go back?" I ask, hoping everything will go as planned.

"Alright. I think we both should go home." Frank answers without looking at me.

"Are you okay, Frankie?" I ask, knowing that he isn't. Not yet.

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?" he asks, sadly smiling at me. It breaks my heart to see him like that.

"Can you walk me to Bert's, please?" I ask him with puppy eyes.

"Can't you walk there alone? It's not that far..." Frank says bitterly.

"Please?" I beg.

"Fine." he finally sighs. And so we walk back to Bert's together.

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Frank's POV

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Great… just great. They forgot my birthday. I had expected Bert to forget, but Ray, Bob, Mikey, Mark, Brian and Gerard? Nope, I thought they would remember.

 

I guess it wasn’t so bad. Trick or treating was so much fun. I had forgotten how much I had enjoyed it back when I was little. It was also nice that Gee was with me. To see his eyes light up every time he got candy, just like a kid. I missed that light in his eyes. I last saw it a few weeks after I had moved here and we were just starting to develop our friendship. It almost made me forget that he had forgotten about my birthday.

 

The walk back was long and mostly silent. Occasionally, I would try to talk to Gerard, but he seemed to be off in his own head, not really answering. I was starting to wonder what the hell had gotten into him. But I just brushed it off as nerves. Gee always seemed nervous about something. As we got closer to Bert's house, he started biting his thumb nail.

 

“What is the matter, Gee?” I ask.

 

He jumps, startled out of whatever thought was going on inside of his head. I just look at him expectantly.

“Oh… Uhh, nothing… just... uhm thinking?” he murmurs quietly. I am thoroughly confused, but I won’t push it. I don’t want to upset him.

 

We got to Bert's house without a hitch.

I walk him right up to the door, hug him quickly and turn to walk away. But suddenly a hand curls around my arm and I turn back to Gerard’s big hazel puppy dog eyes.

“Can you come in?” he asks quietly. I sigh.

“I should really go home…”

“Please? It’s just for a minute?”

“Gerard...”

“Oh come on, please? Just come in for a second?”

“Gee…”

“Please? For me?”

 

I groan. Gerard is really putting on the puppy dog eyes. I don’t want to go in and possibly upset Bert, but at the same time I want to go in and just be with Gerard a little longer. I finally sigh out my consent. It is worth seeing the smile lighting up Gee’s face. He turns and unlocks the door with the spare keys he got from Bert.

 

Suddenly, he shoves me inside the surprisingly dark house first.

“What the…” is all I get out before he flips on the lights and a bunch of people pop out of fucking nowhere and yell:

“SURPRISE!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!”

I swear to god, I nearly had a heart attack. I start laughing, taking in all the faces. All of my friends. _All_ of them and also a bunch of other quite cool kids from school. So, they hadn’t forgotten after all.

 

The party is in full swing. There are bowls of candy and chocolate everywhere. Music plays and people are talking and dancing and having a good time. The kitchen is full of empty soda cans and empty beers. I had a few, but I am nowhere near drunk. I want to enjoy this party sober. No one ever threw a surprise party for me before. Not even my old friends back then, before I moved to Jersey with my mom.

 

Ray, Bob, Mikey and the others on the other hand are so completely wasted it is hilarious. I notice that Ray kind of becomes a hugger when he is drunk, because he was going around latching onto random people, telling them how great they are and whatnot. Ray also made the mistake to try that with Bob, who doesn’t seem to like being touched when he's drunk. It is so entertaining seeing Ray run after Bob screaming:

“Why won't you let me love you!?”

 

There are some high kids, too, but they mostly stay outside and hang around. Mikey went to hang with them at some point. He is drooling over some chick named Alicia, and she seems to enjoy the attention. She seems like a nice enough girl though. I secretly hope that Mikey won’t fuck his chances up with her. She seems to like him.

 

I had lost sight of Gerard during the party, though I constantly wondered where he was. I briefly saw him when everyone sang happy birthday and the massive cake was brought out, but then I lost him again. As the party died down, I went looking for him. I looked all over, and couldn’t find him, until I saw a window in the bathroom was open. I scrambled out of it and saw him sitting on the roof.

“Hey.” I say out loud. Gerard jumps and turns around to see who has intruded. Though, when his eyes land on me, he relaxes a little.

“Can I sit?” I ask quietly. He nods and scoots over for me a little. We don’t say anything for a little bit, trying to look for stars in the polluted air.

“Hey Gee?” I whisper into the night.

“Mmm Hmm?”

“Thanks… for the party… and the trick or treating. It was nice.”

He chuckles a little and says “No problem Frankie… You didn’t think I had forgotten did you?”

I blush a little. He laughs and says “Frankie, we have been friends for months. Almost a year. Of course I didn’t forget.”

I roll my eyes though he can't see it in the dark “Yes, yes okay.”

 

We lapsed into a comfortable silence. It is nice, just being out here, the air cold, but not cold enough for me to get sick, pressed against Gerard’s side. It just feels right.

“I’ve got a present for you…” Gee suddenly whispers.

“Really? Gimme!!!” I exclaim excitedly. Gerard bites his lip and slowly reaches into his jeans' pocket.

“You might not like it…” He mentions quietly. I just roll my eyes at him and snatch the paper out of his hands. It is a drawing of what looks like the Virgin Mary standing on some skulls. Her eyes are hollowed out and bleeding. In her hands she holds a flaming heart with swords coming out of it. On the top of the page, in Gerard’s messy scrawl, it has the words 'Our Lady of Sorrows'.

“It’s a tattoo idea…” Gee explains.

I stare at it lovingly. I turn quickly and throw my hands around Gerard’s neck.

“I love it!” I yell right into his ear. He giggles and returns my hug.

I finally let go of him and we fall back into the silence again, except that I am now staring at the drawing.

 

Suddenly, his lips press against my cheek. I freeze immediately, my whole face turning a deep red. It was only a quick peck, but it felt so good.

 

“Happy Birthday, Frankie.” 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Save Me! (I'm too young to die)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1033042) by [MrsGeeWay92](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsGeeWay92/pseuds/MrsGeeWay92), [MyChemicalEnd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyChemicalEnd/pseuds/MyChemicalEnd)




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